To cut a long story short my ex picked up our four kids on Weds night to stay over with him. The two middle kids have autism and struggle with sensory issues and change. He said to one of them that he was going to have his hair cut, my son came to find me nearly in tears, this kid does not cry over anything! I tried to explain to my ex calmly that his sensory issues make it feel like he's being hurt and if he was going to get a hairdresser to cut it make sure that it was one that understood autism.
He took the four kids off in the car, my kids with autism were already unsettled about going to stay with him then the haircuts on top were stressing them out even more. According to my eldest (11) my ex started shouting, our eldest (11) asked him to stop shouting and he leaned over while driving and had a shouting match with my 11yo. He then told him he was going to take him back to my house and my eldest said he wasn't coming home without his siblings.
He dumped the four kids in the middle of the street with their stuff and drove off without even checking I was still at home.
Since later on that night he has been texting to say our eldest has no respect for him and he doesn't want a relationship with him until he stops challenging him.
He wants to see the youngest two but wants to cut off the eldest two.
There have been ongoing problems like his refusal to use booster seats until I threatened to stop him having the kids, he takes them to his flat where they sit watching tv all day and eat junk. One of my kids has serious allergies and he keep buying food he can't eat then eating it in front of him or offering him food with the allergens in. He goes to sleep in the afternoon and leaves my 11yo to look after his younger siblings. When he has them on a school morning he doesn't give them a proper breakfast and offers them a snack bar, last time they had nuts in so they all decided to not have breakfast because their brother is allergic to nuts and so all went to school hungry. My two with autism need their routines keeping up which he refuses to do. I get all the fall out from this. When he visits the kids here he sits scrolling through his phone and its hard work trying to get him to engage with them.
He doesn't recognise any of his faults, even though I've told him the kids all love him and want to spend time having fun with him, they want him to stay with them in the flat and talk to them, play games with them etc etc
I have told him that he can't have access to two of them as it's cruel for the other two, I didn't mention that I have my doubts about whether they'd be safe without my 11yo. I've not been happy with him having them for a long time and have tried talking to him about it but things change for a week or so and then go back to the way they were. Am I being unreasonable? I'm thinking of getting legal advice on this as he's threatening me with social services so he can get access to the youngest two. I have done everything to keep their relationship good, including agreeing to almost every date he decided to see them, cancelling my plans when he's changed his mind at the last minutes or turned up an hour or two late, made excuses for him to the kids, but I've had enough and so have the kids I think. I've even lied to my eldest and told him that I made the decision not to let him see his Dad while he's angry because I don't want him to know his Dad has rejected him. All the kids are very upset.
Am I being unreasonable?
Sorry for the epic post and thanks for reading it.