Friendship issues/Bullying

[curiousmum32]

Hello Mums,
I dont know whether I should call this bullying or what. I have a daughter who will be turning 5 soon and is in the Reception.
She is friendly and also quite reserved when she wants to be. When she started school , she immediately formed a group with 3 other girls and they all have been really good friends.
Couple of weeks ago, she started telling me that one of her group friends is asking her not to play with the other two. Initially I took it lightly and thought this is part and parcel fo school life and that things will change.
But now its happening again and again, during the lunch time play that girl tells my daughter not to play with them, and my daughter sometimes gets very upset and says that she stand in a corner. The other two girls are very nice to her, but they also seem to be scared of that one girl.
I did speak to the class teacher and the class teacher had a word with my dd and that girl and explained her that its not good to say to someone that dont play. That day she was fine with my dd.
I did speak to her mum too, initially she agreed and said i will talk to my daughter, but when i told her 2-3 times she says her dd tells her different story and thayt shes good in the school etc.
Now recently her mum posted on our wassap group how her dd got a postcard saying shes very kind and nice in the class. I got really furious thinking how can a teacher give this to her. My dd told me that mummy shes only bad towards me not to others. She helps and is kind to others.
My dd told me that , that girl only pretends to be nice in front of the teachers n mum so that she dosent get scolded.
Everyday I fear that my dd will again come home upset, I am very confused.
Is this normal things that happens in schools? Should i escalate this to the head of primary? Please help as I dont want my dd to get emotionally traumatised everyday.

Hi it’s a horrible feeling knowing this happens to your child, but yes, it does and will happen.
Maybe encourage your child to branch out and play with other people and also to stand up for herself and say , no I’m joining in. Usually standing upto these kids can sort it out.
Rather than bullying it could easily be a case of a clash of personalities. Say this girl could be more of a leader and so is your daughter, so easier at that age to say ‘ go away ‘ than to compromise.
Unless there is name calling and / or physical things happening , unfortunately the school will just encourage your daughter to play within another group if speaking to the girls doesn’t work

My dd is 7, and yes unfortunately in my experience this happens a lot with young girls, the whole "you can't play with us / don't play with her / she's my friend not yours" unkindness, isn't it called relational aggression or something in teens and adult women? Queen bees and pecking orders will be an issue within some friendship groups but not others thankfully in our experience, I've always told dd to go and play with someone else who isn't unkind to her, as the person dishing that out is not an example of a good friend.

The problem is that within a group of friends at that age, if there is one very strong character telling the others what to do and they don't stand up to her and stick up for the girl being excluded, there's really not a lot you can do. It does get better as they get a bit older I think, the quieter ones learn to stick up for themselves and others more, they also get very good at telling on each other, maybe your dd should go and tell the lunch time supervisor or her teacher what the other girl has done every time she does it? They'll soon see a pattern and if your dd is being treated badly by this girl they will hopefully monitor the situation and help.

It's a shame if the other girls aren't standing up to the dominant one, dd has had this before and unfortunately meant she had to let that friendship drift as well, as the girl just wouldn't stand up to the one who was calling all the shots. It was very up and down for a while and really upsetting for dd, but she then went on to develop new friendships with other girls and made some good friends who don't display this kind of behaviour. Your poor dd it's horrible being the one that's the target of exclusion, of course it can turn into bullying so I would definitely encourage her to tell the adults when things happen at school, the teachers are better placed to deal with things right there and then. When they hear things second hand from a parent it's harder for them to deal with, especially as they have to bear in mind you've heard what happened second hand, only one side of the story, and that as her mum naturally you're being protective. I'd say definitely talk to the teachers when you feel you need to, but encourage dd to tell them herself at the time, and to explore friendships with other girls. If she still wants to be friends with the other girls in the group, maybe she could ask them if they still want to play with her, and if they say yes then ask them to tell the other girl. If they don't have the confidence yet to stand up for your dd I'm afraid there's nothing you can do, other than maybe trying to strengthen those bonds and try inviting them to play etc?