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DS swore at preschool, how did things get this bad?

21 replies

flightattendant · 09/05/2007 12:36

I'm sitting here in tears as I've just been 'spoken to' by one of the helpers there, apparently he hit anther child and when told 'we don't do that, do we?' he swore at the helper - some sentence containing the word 'f*ck'- not aimed at her but more just out of general crossness.
She wasn't happy of course and neither am I, but I feel like I've let him down and am the worst parent ever.
He has said it a few times at home recently and obviously had heard me say it at times of stress - bad I know, but things have been awful lately, I'm expecting his little brother in 4 weeks and not really coping too well.
Of course he's struggling with all this too and has had a few 'wet- pants- incidents' as well in the past couple of weeks.
He's normally a lovely boy, nearly 4, but it feels like it's all going horribly wrong - worst is people's expression when this dear little creature utters some obscenity, he just isn't seen as a 'nice' child any more.

I have tried to have a talk with him about it, explaining that while we might sometimes say rude words at home, it's not Ok to say them in public - but it doesn't seem to be enough, of course it isn't, he's only 3 and doesn't get it. All totally my own fault for letting him hear me say things like that.

What can I do, I barely dare to take him there again tomorrow.

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LilyLoo · 09/05/2007 12:41

Poor you. He is a nice boy it's just this incident that isn't. He probably has no idea what he has said and therefore won't understand about the swearing. He will know that it isn't ok to hit others though and maybe talk to him about why he got so angry. He will obv sense a change is looming and some dc's find this difficult. It isn't going horribly wrong it is just an incident. As for tommoprrow i would walk back in explain to nursery that you have spoken to him and that you have told him it isn't acceptable. Then ask them to keep you informed of how he get's on. IMO if you are supportive they will try to help you as best they can.

flightattendant · 09/05/2007 12:46

Thanks, that's calmed me down a bit. I think it's the shame of it that's so awful. On top of everything else I'm now being judged by the very nice people at preschool.
Just feel like I can't take much more - that's probably how DS feels too...

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rabbleraiser · 09/05/2007 12:46

Right, flight ... I'm going to try and put this in perspective.

Firstly, we've all experienced it. My ds is just 2.6 and I've heard him say bollocks and fuck in public places. Swearing is out there, and children absorb it, whether we're the guilty party or not (or a bit of both). It is horrible and embarrassing, but so are crocs .

Secondly, I am sure that it's not the first time the helper has heard this from small children, and it won't be the last. She's obliged to tell you of the incident and to mention that she isn't happy .. but that doesn't mean that your little boy is the only little boy who's ever done it.

You're in the last month of pregnancy and I'm so sad that you're sat there crying at the moment. It's taken me a while to write this thread, but I hope and trust that other threads will be as supportive.

I'll stick around for a while ... at least until you stop crying .

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

flightattendant · 09/05/2007 12:53

Lol about the crocs cheered me up, thankyou.
That all helps actually. I might stop howling in a minute, he's gone to sleep and I suspect it was extreme tiredness that made him so angry today...he didn't want to go this morning and I felt sorry for him as I left him there.
He's doing so well with a stressed out mummy and new brother on the way, it's always been just the two of us (except a brief interlude of visiting male, obviously or I wouldn't be pregnant)
I know he knows it wasn't good, the hitting bit or the swearing, but he hasn't any idea where to take out his confusion or bad feelings. I guess I need to really focus on him and make him feel like he's loved and important - been trying to but will keep it up.
Thanks so much for being so kind.

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bobsyouruncle · 09/05/2007 12:55

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You're only human & most of us are guilty of saying & doing things we know we shouldn't in times of stress, when little ears are listening! I know I've done it more than once! Ds has a little boy at nursery who used this word ALOT and I promise you I didn't think badly of his mum, I just thought she'd probably said it in a bad moment & he'd picked it up & was enjoying her reaction when he said it!?

rabbleraiser · 09/05/2007 12:55

He sounds so special to you. I don't think they're ever too young to understand a conversation in a loving context and of course, eventually he will love his little brother fiercely.

I hope both your children bring great joy to you!

flightattendant · 09/05/2007 13:00

Stopped crying now

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goblinqueen · 09/05/2007 13:08

Awww, no-one other than family has heard ds (3) swear so far, but I have it imprinted in my brain that if something like this arises and I'm not feeling in a "so what, everyone swears" mode then I will say "They hear all kinds of things on the street these days" or some such.

Just talk yourself into pretending he heard it from some yobbo on the street and tell them that because you've been telling him off he is being perverse and using it more because of all these imminent changes at home.

It'll work till he actually tells them mummy uses bad words!

foxybrown · 09/05/2007 14:14

Flightattendant - I don't really know what to say except offer my support and say I really feel for you and hope you are OK

LilyLoo · 09/05/2007 14:16

Maybe suffest to him words he could sau when he was angry. Or ways to do things that are ok when we are angry. He is obviously very senstive to you and can feel the changes that are happening and prob picking up on you feeling so sad.

BarefootDancer · 09/05/2007 14:21

I am sure they have heard it all before at nursery. Don't worry. They won't think badly of you just because of your son.
I guess if you don't want him to start using the f word then you will have to stop using it too.
Praise him to the max for any polite behaviour and be kind to yourself.

Mumpbump · 09/05/2007 14:24

I wouldn't worry. It is just a word to him. I remember swearing loads when I was about 6/7 just because I knew the bad words... You can't ensure that they hear no swear words at all. TBH, I'm a bit surprised that the helper didn't take a more laid back view, given his age... Mountains and molehills spring to mind!

ChocolateFace · 09/05/2007 14:25

Flight attendant, I wont' go into my own children's shocking behaviour, but you are not alone! (Just pray he never calls Granny a F**cker)

flightattendant · 09/05/2007 17:26

Thanks everyone for your wonderful support, we've had a little chat this afternoon (he woke up crying after his sleep, I think he's struggling a bit today really) and have agreed to mutually stop saying 'naughty words' - we've decided that in moments of extreme frustration, 'Oh Flip' will have to do...said with a lot of panache!
Not sure it will cut it for me, but i'm going to make the effort - as you say, I can't expect him not to say it if I do...
Grandma's taking him to preschool tomorrow. Thank goodness for that

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flightattendant · 09/05/2007 17:27

lol chocolateface!!!! Could have happened, Oh yes...we've been lucky!

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ChocolateFace · 09/05/2007 18:23

And Granny's replay was "what do you mean I'm a burger?" I still don't know if she really misheard him or not!

flightattendant · 09/05/2007 18:33

Brilliant!

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ernest · 09/05/2007 19:14

well my charming 3 year old is going round saying every rude word he knows, loudly and asking in totally feigned innocence if it's rude. Typical convo goes :- "fucking 'ell. fucking 'ell. Fucking 'ells rude isn't it mummy? Og, sorry I said fucking 'ell" Reapeat with 'bum hole', 'bloody' etc etc I did used to thank my lucky stars I live in Switzerland so most people can't understand, but the little charmer has now started swearing in swiss german. And I can hand on heart guarantee he didn't get that from me.

WestCountryLass · 09/05/2007 21:02

Don't most parents utter the odd profanity? God i've said a fair few choice words when i've burnt my hand on the cooker, dropped a can of beans on my foot etc etc.

If I hear a child swear then I find it quite amusing especially when the parents faces look like they want the ground to open up and swallow them. Of course kids who are swearing like troupers are another matter...

goblinqueen · 10/05/2007 07:42

ernest, LOL!

My son can be similar, I was telling him off one day and he went "Blahblahblah.... I can say that, I can, it's not naughty like f'fucksake"

The worst of course was back when he was in the early speaking stage with his loud voice and car obsession on the bus, so he'd shout "One Car! One Car!" Which of course came out like "WANKER WANKER!" I'd have to say loudly, "Yes, you're right, that's ONE CAR".

foxybrown · 10/05/2007 10:31

Am so glad you've sorted it! I've managed to retrain my 2.6 DD from saying "O shit" To "O Sugar" It does work!!!

I was dreading her starting nursery and saying it, especially as one bleary eyed morning I said it very loudly infront of all the teachers and children when i'd forgotten something. I was mortified.

Its one thing when the child does it, but the parent ...

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