ex husband and teen daughter problems

[purplelass]

I kicked ExH out 2 1/2 years ago when I found out he was having an affair with a girl from work. DD was 12 at the time and stayed with me. He moved in with the OW and DD (understandably) didn't want anything to do with her so ExH would take her out for a few hours every weekend, as long as it didn't interfere with his and OW's plans. It was obvious to DD what had happened to cause our split and she wasn't happy about this. I've never poisoned her against him though.

Eventually, DD and OW found they got on OK and now DD's closer to OW than she is to ExH! He treats her like a child and has no idea how to deal with her, having only seen her for a couple of days a month for the last 2 years. He does no parenting, just moans at her for being a stroppy teenager (she's not when she's with me).

So the problem is that she hates going to see him and when he dropped her off yesterday they were so rude to each other, so I'm wondering if there's any point in her going at all? I've told her, and she agrees, that it's between the two of them to sort out whether they want to continue seeing each other and that I won't interfere but I will support her as long as she's being reasonable, and advise her when she's not.

I hate seeing her so unhappy though and feel like they're destroying any relationship they might have. As I said, I'm not going to interfere but would be grateful for anyone's experiences of situations like this and any advice on how best to help her have a better relationship with her dad.

You won't want to hear this but I think you should support your ex in how to handle a stroppy teen. You're obviously doing a great job so perhaps you can help him to build a better relationship. It would involve a lot of forgiveness on your partbut would perhaps make the difference in keeping her relationship with her father in tact for the future.

Not quite this situation, but I do have a husband and a teenage daughter who don't seem to 'get' each other at all. She finds him very irritating. Luckily, he is a grown-up about it and so there's little rudeness to each other. But, even in this less charged situation, I sometimes have to act as a sort of interpreter between them. So I can only imagine how difficult it might be when there is no buffer.

What is it that your daughter dislikes about going there? I'm just wondering if, once you establish that, there might be some way to discuss with your ex a way to change the dynamic between them? My husband and daughter have found a thing that they both like so at least they have that positive interaction then, and it seem to allow my daughter to be less irritated by other stuff.

Thanks @ginswinger - I guess you're right, I just have to try and find some non-confrontational way to offer advice.
He's very defensive and always right about everything though so I might have to wait for him to ask for help...

Thanks @pippistrelle - my daughter doesn't like going there because he won't leave her alone to sit in her room and chat to her friends like she does with me and she can't go out and see her friends as he lives too far away.

The thing is, he understandably wants to spend time with her but as they have nothing in common it's hard to find anything they'll both enjoy.

My DD and ex were like this and if I tried to offer the tinsiest bit of advice I'd get accused of interfering. It came to a head almost 2 years ago and she hasn't spoken to him since.

So no advice really, but assurance you're not on your own.

Well, the emphasis shouldn't so much be on him enjoying it, rather it's about being prepared to put up with it and putting a brave (grown-up) face on it, but if he's the defensive, right-about-everything type, that's probably easier said than done.

Could you encourage your daughter to suggest activities where there's limited interaction, therefore less opportunity for strops and arguments. Cinema? Music?

Maybe, just maybe you will have to leave them to it.
Well done for not bad mouthing him to her.
If you force her you have in fact telling her , her feelings don't count. 14 is a very tricky time for a girl. She needs you ( and her dad) fully behind her.
Good luck x

@GrooovyLass thanks - it's so difficult isn't it?!

@pippistrelle - like your thinking - he's a very selfish, self obsessed individual which is why he thinks the world revolves around him, and DD's inherited his stubborn streak - makes things interesting!

Cinema is a good idea - they can be together without having to talk and might have something to talk about afterwards! I'll suggest that she suggests it... thanks

@Robin Maybe, just maybe you will have to leave them to it.

Yes, I think you're right in a lot of ways. I will suggest the cinema idea which pippistrelle came up with to her and I will offer advice if he asks me as ginswinger suggested, but for now I'll have to let them find their own path... not easy for anyone though!

Do you talk to the OW? I wouldn't blame you if you didn't but if you have any kind of a relationship with her (by the sound of it, you might be glad she's taken him off your hands!), perhaps she might intervene.

I think you would be a saint if you did have any dialogue with her. You sound like a great mum.

Do you talk to the OW?
Funnily enough I do She often brings DD home and we always had a chat. In fact, Christmas Day morning she even came in for a cup of tea coz she'd had a row with ExH and I felt sorry for her, knowing what he's like!

Next time she brings her home without ExH being there I might have a gentle word, see what we can do to make things more harmonious...

it's so difficult isn't it?!

It certainly is. Parenting primary age children is child's play in comparison.*

• not a universal experience, I accept.