Telling 7 year old to stop crying

[MrsMeanwhile]

Ok so can you help DH and I can’t agree:
Our 7 year old DS was supposed to have his first sleep over at our house tonight. He was SO excited. But his younger brother was sick so we had to cancel last minute. Obviously DS was very upset about this. So we watch a film and he forgets about it till he goes to bed and remembers and starts crying. I say, it’s ok I see why you’re upset, I would be too but I promise we will rearrange. I leave the room to deal with baby and I hear DH say to crying DS “why are you still crying, stop being so selfish”.
To me this is the worst kind of parenting. He thinks he needs to give DS a sense of perspective! He is stressed about vomiting child.
He thinks if I put it on mumsnet you will agree with him. I’m not so sure.

My heart goes out to your ds.
Tell your dh to cop on and stop being such a meanie.

Well, your husband would be wrong...

Ha! He’s been horrible. What on Earth was to be achieved by berating and criticising a disappointed little boy? It’s the behaviour of a twat. I’m not at all impressed and I’m not you juggling exhausted poorly kids.

I still remember my dad yelling at me to stop crying. I must have been a similar age and I can vividly remember how hurt and upset I felt but then had to abruptly stop myself from showing it. It's an awful thing to say to a child

Yeah he’s always going to remember this

Yeah he’s always going to remember this

Yes, but if his dad sorts it out with him and apologises to him he will remember that too..

I have the same issue - if the kids get upset over something my dh thinks telling them to stop essentially expressing their emotions will work - he always sees its wrong after the fact but in the heat of the moment it's his first reaction - I honestly have to tell him there and then which goes against what most people tell me ie not to contradict in front of the kids but I just see it as wrong and counterproductive so can't help myself.

Even if I tell the kids off and they cry I will hold them myself rather than walk away - I don't say I should t have told them off but I still comfort them.

He needs to ask himself why it is selfish to be upset?

It would be selfish to be unpleasant to his brother and it would be selfish to demand that the sleepover goes ahead. It isn't selfish to accept that cancelling is the right thing and then be upset and disappointed.

Some people find it hard to see their children crying. That is their problem, not the child's and the solution is to learn to deal with their own discomfort and emotions, not to prevent the child from crying.

Your DS needs sympathy, acknowledgement that he is doing well for accepting the change of plan and he needs reassurance that the sleepover will go ahead another time.

I remember being told to stop crying as a child, including aged 7 within minutes of being told that a close relative had died.

Children don't cry to be selfish and they don't cry for fun.

Your DH needs to get a grip of his own emotions and stop projecting his own stress onto his child.

You should never tell a child to stop crying. It teaches them to withhold emotions and can build up to difficulties in adulthood.

Well since your DH asked, you can tell him I think he’s wrong and a twat

HTH

Your DH is being a dick to a child. Great parenting. Not.

The school of hard knocks only produces hard people.

It is completely right and normal that your 7 year old is upset about his brother causing his sleep over to be cancelled.
It is also right that you cancelled the sleep over.
Invalidating his feelings and telling him off is wrong.
The 7 year old needs a hug and a cuddle and sympathy (one parent with the vomiter, the other with him). Tomorrow he needs a little present either from you or from his brother to thank him for being so good about what happened (and being upset is being good about it, hitting and throwing things is not).

Teaching kids how to cope with emotions is ok eg not lashing out, not being destructive, not being cruel even if they're upset. Telling him off for having feelings or emotions is never ok.

Telling a disappointed little boy to stop crying? Dude!

Your DH should not have said what he did - very unkind.

However, you're both absolutely barmy in allowing a sleepover at 7 (or any age). Do you have any idea how awful they are? The DCs never get to sleep when they should and they're always crabby and horrible for the whole of the next day.

Ok so.... DH has thought hard about it and before he went to sleep said he realises he’s wrong. In his head he thinks whining and crying are the same thing (as he doesn’t cry and has forgotten ever crying) and he said he didn’t realise it’s something one can’t control. I think he thought it was DSs way of complaining hours after he’d been told the bad news and already cried and been comforted. I don’t really cry that much so I guess he’s not that exposed to it. He did apologise last night because I made him and don’t want to make another big deal of it today but I love the idea DS should get a present from sick child for being so understanding.

A present? really? I think that's a terrible idea. Are you going to give DS a present everytime something in his life doesn't go to plan?

And poor ill DS - way to go to make him feel even worse and guilty about the whole thing. It's not his fault that he was ill and he shouldn't have to 'pay' or 'compensate' for this by giving a present.

A present from sick child is a really terrible idea.

Both kids need a hug and a nice day today - one is sick and the other probablt a bit sad about the sleepover.

I wouldn't buy a present as it's not appropriate and making it into a big thing. Life will throw many more disappointmwnta at him and he needs to learn to cry, then get over it and look forward.

Hope the little one is feeling better today.

I don't think the present idea is that great either.

It's much more meaningful to tell him that he is appreciated, that you know he is upset and you are pleased that he accepted the change of plan with good grace. You're proud of him for being grown up and not making a fuss.

I would hesitate with present idea too. Your younger DC is ill through no fault of their own and while it certainly is/ was upsetting for your older DC to find out he is going to miss out, it doesn't seem right for him to be compensated for his brother's 'inopportune' illness.

In my humble experience, if a child is allowed to express their feelings as they feel them (eg upset and crying in this instance when he found out he was going to be missing out) and feels listened too/ understood at the time, the matter is dealt with. The feelings have been 'processed' and the child then usually moves on. Compensation afterwards is not necessary.

And praise him for being a big boy - empathise that it's disappointing and it's normal to feel a bit upset but hey ho, let's reorganise it and look forward to that.

I have ways said to DS 'does crying make it better or the problem go away? No? Let's do something that does make it better or go away then?'

My dd (aged 10) told me last night after she had gone to bed she was unhappy about leaving primary and starting "big school".She called me up to her and was crying. Do I a) tell her to get over it and go to sleep or b) give her a cuddle, tell her we're with her every step we can and list the awesome things she's done recently to show how brave she is?
Isn't that a no brainer?