Neighbors ignore me since they heard me shouting at DD 😞

[charlottexox]

I live in a small village and live in a flat with DD. I posted a week or so ago about SS being involved because I'm struggling and I can say SS are helping me at the moment with some support.

There has been a few occasions where I have lost my rag with DD due to a few stressful situations. (Please don't judge me, I have never and would never harm her in anyway)
Basically the lady above me who has a 3 year old son stomps her feet if she hears me shouting. She is very friendly with a young girl across the street who also has a son (believe they're from the same town) and I saw them both in town on Monday and I said "hi!" With a smile and they both turned their nose up at me and didn't speak.
There has been other occasions where the woman above me has walked past my kitchen window and I smile at her but she just ignores me. I do sense it's because they've heard me shouting at DD.
I just wish they'd knock on my door and ask if I need anything or something like that instead of just blanking me and assuming I'm this horrible, abusive mum

Well done for asking for help. I’m glad you are getting support. Only you know your truth, I’m sure lots of parents have shouted at their children before and aren’t proud of it. I certainly have. I just apologise when I do shout and then try and learn from it and work out coping strategies so I can do better next time.

I try and count to ten/walk into another room for a couple of minutes when I think I might shout. Although I’m sure SS have much better strategies than this, those are just my amateur ones.

With regard to this woman, I think your choices are you either try and ignore the judgment and remain polite when you see her, or knock on her door and say something like ‘I just wanted to say I’m really sorry about the shouting, I’m really struggling with things at the moment but I’m getting help so I cope better.’ If she is a good person she will be relieved and kind and may even offer to help. If she’s still rude after that she is unempathetic and you don’t need her in your life anyway, but at least you know for sure.

Its great that your getting help and I hope it all works out better for you and dd. And I'm sorry but I think I would react the was your neighbour has, I wouldnt know that your not some horrible abusive mum, I wouldnt know if I came round and knocked on your door that you wouldnt get defensive and angry at me, the shouting would have frightened and disturbed my 3 year old and I would want to distance myself from anyone who I thought my might be capable of loosing it and shouting at my child.
You could take the first move to go and knock on her door and explain, surely you can understand why she wary?

@upsideup yes I can understand why, but where I used to live a lady below me was always shouting at her kids too and one day I knocked on her door and asked if she needed anything from the shop as I was heading there for myself. She was very grateful and after I dropped off her shopping I told her if she needed any help or anything she could always ask me. Within the next week she knocked on my door and asked me if could take in some packages for her that were arriving that day while she was out and ever since then she had always invited me in her home for a cuppa and a chat.
With my current neighbours I wish someone would just do that to me once in a while and know that I am not this horrible monster.
I am actually pregnant with DC #2 at the moment and I know they would probably be thinking "why again?"

Sorry I forgot to mention that maybe she would underhand, I cannot be the only mother in the whole world who has shouted at their child / children.

We shout sometimes, although I hate it, and I always feel guilty and ashamed afterwards. Main worry is the impact on dc, and I always apologise to them, but I do shudder at what neighbours might think too. So I get it OP, but I don’t think you can do much apart from work on your own reactions/parenting impulses (easier said than done, I know) and watch for an opportunity to build bridges with your neighbours. Hopefully if time passes and they hear less shouting from you, their attitude will thaw a bit.

Sorry you're having a hard time OP, I'm glad to hear that SS are supporting you. I agree with PP that sometimes we shout, we're only human after all but be careful about saying it's not doing any harm. There are more ways than just physical to harm a child. Perhaps your neighbours feel that your shouting is excessive and might be harmful to your child. Either way, it's shitty of them to ignore you. Can I ask what makes you shout at your child? I'm feeling horribly guilty about the way I dealt with my DD the other night over her not going to bed.

@YorkieDorkie I definitely understand.
Just her jumping on the sofa and genuinely not doing as she's gold even though I've told her no 46 times already

Okay, so the shouting is in response to a minor misbehaviour. I would look into some different strategies around talking and listening instead of shouting. It's hard to get out of the cycle but I can highly recommend this book. I work with 4-5 year olds and honestly it's so much easier when you have some strategies behind you.

An example would be "DC you look very happy bouncing on the sofa having fun but it might get broken. Let's play a bouncing game on the floor instead." You could take some cushions off and bounce on them as a game. It sounds daft but you get the idea. Simply shouting just makes everyone angry and resentful and it doesn't really explain or solve the problem. Does that help at all? This book has saved my sanity and I feel 10x a better parent from reading it.

Sorry I meant to include a picture of the book

That was really kind of you to knock on the ladies door, did you have kids yourself then?
If I lived alone then I would be very willing to go and take the risk and offer help but not with my own DC, Would you not be willing to go and talk to her about it?

Yorkie thanks for suggesting that book. I’ve just bought it on my kindle-looks great.

@YorkieDorkie thanks so much for information on that book. I'm going to order it on eBay right now.
@upsideup DD was 6 months at the time and her youngest was 4 months, so I could sympathise the stress and exhaustion she felt.

You're welcome, I was fortunate that my step mum saw it and "thought of me". I think given I was expecting my first child and work with children she thought that it would be of interest. It's certainly helped me structure my conversation to best suit children and give them the chance to talk about what's upsetting them to find a resolution peacefully.

@YorkieDorkie can I just ask what age range they mostly talk about in the book? As I know this sounds awful but DD is only 19 months

It is more for talkers, and would be applicable for children at primary school age in terms of the conversation examples it gives. My DD is only just 2 and it's still helped me to understand how she might be feeling, to acknowledge her feelings and begin the groundwork for effective conversation early on. After all, we shouldn't just start talking to children nicely when they can talk! At 19 months she'll understand a great deal.

We have the younger vers - how to talk so little kids will listen. I highly recommend it, and I'm sorry you're having a tough time right now. My son is 21 months and they are hard work at this age...

Toddlers are such hard work! So much energy but they get so tired, so irrational and they push boundaries all the time. They can be great fun but would test the patience of a saint.

I’ve only read the first chapter of the book but already started testing it and we had a very peaceful bathtime/bedtime for once. I would say the ideas are perfectly pitched for my 5 year old but I adapted it for my 2 year old too. I might get the little ones version for her/me too. It’s very empowering to have a strategy in place.

Thank you, I have bought the book (for little ones) looking forward to reading it. I do admit that my ways of talking to her aren't great and I do get worked out easily. It's no excuse I know, but I am absolutely exhausted what with being pregnant too. Today was an okay day, she gave me lots of cuddles and she did do something that got to me (throwing her tea on the floor) but I got down on her level and said "no, don't do that please. You know mummy doesn't like it when you do that." And she put her arms around my neck for a cuddle as if to say "sorry mummy!" Usually I would be raising my voice loudly, but I thought I managed that situation well.

I sympathise. I struggled when dd2 was little. In hindsight I should have spoken to someone about it. I remember shouting at her in the garden. The whole village must have heard me. I’m sure the lady that lived next door did. She was a teacher at the school and I usually get on with everybody but I’ve always had a funny feeling about the staff at school never being overly friendly.

Fabulous update OP, you should be really proud of how you dealt with that. After having a horrid night with my 2 year old and lots of anger/frustration, she now has chicken pox so I feel ultimately terrible . Still, I know that 99% of the time we have a brilliant relationship and I can control how I speak to her. It really does make life so much better!

@YorkieDorkie can definitely understand!
This week I have had the patience of a saint! DD has tested me several times by doing things I don't like and I've managed to talk to her nicely without shouting and each time she has the put her arms around me, as if to say sorry
Even DP has commented at how well I've coped with her behaviour this week Defintley a good week because she's been much more cuddly with me. Feeling positive now.
As for my neighbours though, they've still been ignoring me but I've managed to see past that and just crack on with mine and DD's day without bothering about them.
Can't thank everyone enough on this post for the advice!!

Ah that's great OP, it's such a tough age and it sounds like you're getting some skills in which is always helpful! Don't worry about silly judgemental neighbours. Perhaps in time you'll get to know them - or not! It's not the end of the world.

It’s fantastic that you’re seeking help OP. Please don’t feel judged by other people. We are all doing the best we can with the tools available to us. A lot of our parenting style comes from how we were patented as children. I learnt that when I went on a ToddlerCalm course when my dc1 was 16m and I was pregnant with the DTs. I was so worried about how their arrival may impact on him. The course educated me about how the toddler brain works and what expectations were normal, so I could anticipate situations and if need be avoid them. I also learnt that I need to look after myself, as when I was low that really did have a negative impact on how I responded to him. When the twins reached toddlerhood this became even more important! It also helped to find a friendship group with children of a similar age. When the DTs were born I had a terrible time processing birth trauma and the women I thought were my friends did something terrible to me and I lost that group. We became recluses and I still haven’t found the same regular contact with adults that I had, but I don’t miss it because they really were toxic and only happy when judging other people while hoiking their seriously big judgey pants up. I believe they still behave just as appallingly towards other people. But I have found a few close friends and my best friend is a huge wealth of support. I think having friends who are on the same wavelength is a huge help. Perhaps a course such as ToddlerCalm would also connect you with people in the same boat as you that live nearby?

I also find Laura Markhams books incredibly powerful. She has a website too with articles if you want to dip in and out. I subscribe to her emails and both myself and my best friend are often exclaiming that her emails come through just at the right time on a subject we’re both dealing with.

You’re doing great OP and please don’t let other people get to you.