Life feels like a treadmill

[graysor]

Does anyone else feel like this?

I feel like I’m constantly treading water, and there seems to be very little time or space for anything particularly positive or enjoyable.

I work 4 days a week, and dh is full time. We both have a longish commute. Dd is 2.4 and in nursery the days I work. Dh drops her in the morning, and I pick up. So the toddler wrangling is reasonably evenly split.

I feel like I’m constantly firefighting or playing catch up at work, and always have to leave in a rushed fluster at 4.30 on the dot to make sure I’m back in time for 6 o o’clock nursery pick up.

Dd is rarely in bed and asleep before 7.45 despite all my efforts to bring this earlier. Dh rarely gets home before 8 so after getting dd to bed I start on dinner. But by then I’m beyond feeling hungry and we often resort to a pizza from the freezer. I like cooking and used to love trying new recipes etc, but I just don’t have the energy or motivation at the moment.

Dd gets up around 5 every day (regardless of what time she goes to sleep). So we go to bed at 9. Leaving virtually no evening left after we’ve shovelled down dinner. Dh and I seem to barely have the energy to talk to one another. It’s so depressing. I can’t remember when we last had a conversation that wasn’t about logistics/ arrangements for dd.

Weekends are better. Dh and I strictly alternate getting up with dd, so we both get one guaranteed lie in. We are trying to regularly take a morning “off” each every other weekend to have some me time. Usually used for exercise and/or seeing friends. The rest of the time we try and combine normal stuff like playground/ park / low key activities for dd, seeing family, diy at home, chores etc.

But the time goes so fast, and we never seem to do half the things we want to. And before you know it it’s back to the work/ nursery/commute treadmill.

I feel trapped and can’t see what to do to change things for the better.

Does anyone else recognise this? Any ideas on how to get out of this rut and start feeling more positive?

( sorry that was long! )

Have you thought about moving dinner earlier? I found life was much more manic when I was preparing two meals each night (one for dd and then later for us) and trying to squeeze dinner in after bedtime. Doing one meal (still means I need to cook from scratch each night but occasional healthy ready meal, batch cooking, slow cooker meal relieves some of the pressure) made it so much easier. I would get home 5:30ish, start dinner, we’d eat like 6:30/7 and then bath/bedtime by 7:30/7:45. But it meant that the evenings are ours and I could sit down, we could actually talk to eat other, we can catch up on work (meaning we could leave work early many days which helped). Even if your dh is eating late, at least you are trying to cook in the evenings. I found that took a lot of pressure off.

I’d love to eat earlier. And we do all have dinner together at 5/5.30 at the weekend. But during the week dd has dinner at nursery around 5 and we get home just after 6. So I don’t see how that would work sadly.

Things should get a little easier to some extent as she gets older. For example with DD1 we used a GroClock from around age 3, which meant she would stay in her room and play quietly until a reasonable time so we didn’t have to go to bed stupidly early to cope with early mornings.

Can you cook a big batch of something like stew, curry or Bolognese at the weekend so you can have some quick but healthy meals during the week?

I should make more effort to batch cook at the weekend. That’s a good call. I usually manage at least one thing that leaves leftovers for during the week, but could definitely do more.

Hi I do really recognise this and agree it will get easier as she gets older. But one thing really struck me in your post - you think you and DH are sharing 'toddler wrangling' equally. You are not - it is much much worse for the one who picks up, who always has to leave work on time, can never take time to finish things off, or go for a spontaneous drink with workmates. It is also much harder work ime to do afterwork and bathtime/bedtime for a toddler than chucking on some clothes for her in the morning. You are then feeling responsible to cook dinner. You get absolutely no downtime after work, he gets to come home to a clean house, toddler in bed, dinner on the table, a sit down and a bloody rest.Can you change that or alternate that? What more could he do?

Think about the breaks you do get (maybe lunch or during commute). Is there anything relaxing, energising or different you could do? I sometimes used to listen to audiobooks on the way home to make the break between work and home more meaningful if that makes sense.

It's really hard when you're both working, have long commutes, no family on hand to help daily (I assume), nursery rather than nanny and an early riser. You've got it hard on all counts, I really feel for you.

It's the reason lots of women give up work (and it's the reason we stopped at one child, because when it got easier we couldn't face going back to the grind).

As another poster said, can you alternate pick ups? We've always taken alternate responsibility for bath/bedtime so each of us has a chance to work later some nights. Or even just get some exercise.

And we (still) don't cook dinner for each other Mon-Thurs. We each fend for ourselves - for me its a big salad with whatever veg is in the fridge/tinned fish etc. Dp will eat anything from fish fingers to pizza to omelette.

Go to bed as early as you need to on work nights. At weekends plonk the little one in front of tv from 5-7am and snooze on sofa, its what most parents I know who have early risers do. You just have to get through it.

You won't feel like going out but do you have any family who could babysit on a weekend or even better take your little one overnight?

It really does get so much easier. (Until you have number 2).

Two things- DDs bedtime, and your meal.

If you are up at 5 or even 6, you should have plenty of time to prepare your evening meal. Ideally something in a slow cooker so it's hot but even just the parts of your meal cut and ready to toss together or put in to cook. There's so so many lovely meals you could be having with very little stress of you prepped in the morning.

DDs bedtime- not sure what time you walk in the door but does she still need dinner? Surely not if pick up is 6. So assuming not, you walk in the door and she is straight into pj's before you do ANYTHING. Then you get your preprepared food cooking or heating. Then you bring DD upstairs for cuddles and storytime while things cook, lights out by 7.15.

Everything else can wait till you've had quality time with DD and your meal eaten.

Just to add.... if you get your meals and bedtime sorted I think you will find everything else much easier to control or relax about. At the weekend make sure you mealplan and shop all you need for weekly meals (ideally online) and batch cook some if possible.

Thanks for the input folks. In some ways it feels better just to have someone acknowledge that it is hard. ‘Having it all’ is such a myth.

I’m not sure how much better it would be if I didn’t work though. The lack of commute would be good. And I’d eat early with dd in the evening. But I’m not great at being sahm. And am a better parent by working at least some of the time.

To the pp who said it’s tougher always doing pick up, bath and bed. You’re right. Never having the flexibility to stay an extra 45 mins to finish off some work, or catch up with a friend is hard. Very occasionally dh can do pick up. But his work is less flexible than mine and he has to work longer hours so it’s not practical in a regular basis.

Prepping dinner in the morning is interesting. Might be worth trying. But I get up at 6.15 (if not on the early shift with dd) and leave at 7. So not much time to do anything too involved!

Would dd play while the early rider prepped at 5.30?

As an example OP, you could take 10mins to chop bacon, onion, cherry tomatoes and broccoli onto a plate. Grate Parmesan into a bowl. And put the pasta pack, pan and saucepan by the cooker and fill the kettle. Then when you come home you flick on the kettle, do DDs pj's, put pasta on to boil and do teeth, story and bed. Then it would take 5 mins to fry the ingredients and toss in the pasta and Parmesan. Maybe garlic bread in the oven too. It would give you something easy to look forward to. Making the evening seem less hassle and giving you longer after bedtime tochill and get other things done.

I’d embrace the early starts as you’re going to bed at 9 and both get up with dd. Get ready for work and prep evening meal first then have a nice family breakfast before you go to work? It might be easier to have a conversation when you’ve both had an hour or so to wake up but not after a long day at work. The mornings are getting earlier now as well. Maybe not for everyone, but I’m an early bird so generally more energised in the morning.

Does she still have a daytime nap? If you cut that out she might sleep longer at night.

She doesn’t nap anymore ( except for an occasional snooze in the car). Sadly it hasn’t made any difference to bedtime or the early starts.

What made it easier for us:

• Eating before DC went to bed. Even if it was beans on toast, it freed up the remaining evening, and helped me to enjoy the bedtime routine more as I was no longer so hungry. If the second parent got in too late to eat at the same time, their food/left-overs was ready on a plate to shove in the microwave.
• Having the main meal at lunchtime, so that we had 'lunch' in the evening before DC go to bed. It took much less time to prepare once we thought of it as lunch.
• Having the main meal at lunchtime, and eating cereal in the evening (I know, I know, but it's still much better than no downtime).
• Gro clock.

I'm the exact same on that tredmill! Shame I'm not loosing any weight lol!

I work 4 days and DH does shifts as a doctor. We don't see each other very often and just eat what we can as fast as we can - we also go to bed at 9 or earlier!

We have two as well, 3yrs and 11m. It's tough!

Some good advice here, I try to eat a main meal in the day if I can and then if I skip dinner it's not too bad (when DH at work I can't even be bothered to make tea for myself!).

I hope it gets easier, I have lost all my social life and hobbies. We seem to juggle a lot between us as we work different times.

If we have a w.e off I try to book a child related weekend away to try to have something to look forward to and not just getting our chores done.

X

I could have written your OP, I've been feeling exactly the same way, and asking myself 'what's it all for'? My kids are a bit older so we have the daily faff of sports kit and library books and permission slips etc etc, it just doesn't end. I have considered working less but I actually enjoy my work so I don't think that would make things any better.

We've shuffled things around between DP and me so things are a bit more equal (he does drop-off and I do pick-up) and it's not mostly me doing all the running around but it's still hard. I feel like I don't get much focused work time even though I'm only leaving an hour early, a lot of mental energy is taken up in counting down to when I have to leave.

I came round to early (6ish) dinners a few weeks ago and it's really helped - I found I was getting 'hangry' during bedtime as I just wanted it to be over so I could eat. I've been doing some meal prep on the weekend and I could definitely make more use of the slow cooker.

I'm always fascinated by how people who have their act together manage things - getting up early seems to be an important factor. My kids are early risers so I'm usually up at 5.30 but I'm not great at going to bed on time yet so am chronically exhausted. Luckily DP doesn't need much sleep so I can usually have a long lie-in on Sat / Sun to catch up.

It’s heartening to hear others do feel similar. Although rubbish to hear it doesn’t really get noticeably easier as they get older (just different I suppose).

Dh actually got home early yesterday. It made such a difference having him there in the evening and to do bedtime. We actually ate dinner, and almost had a real conversation!

I do usually eat a proper main meal at lunchtime. Luckily have a really good work canteen. So same as others often resort to cereal or toast or just not bothering with dinner if dh is out or very late. I do feel guilty about this though as then dh gets home late and hangry. He is perfectly capable of fending for himself, but will always just have a pizza.

In the long term I think it would make a huge difference if I could agree with dh for us to switch drop off and pick up once a week. Having that flexibility for one evening would be great.

Sounds familiar. Have a 1yo DS as well to throw into the mix.

I like to have at least 1 day at the weekend where we do a nice family activity followed by a nice meal at the pub! It can be a bit stressful but at least everyone gets to have something a bit enjoyable.

Is there anyone who could help to have DD while you go out for a meal or something with DH?

It sounds almost exactly like our set up. We have a long drive to nursery too.

It’s hard work - giving each other a lie in at the weekends helps a lot.

Posted too soon - not much I can recommend or we would be doing it already - batch cooking is helpful.

The key difference we have is that we do days each not all pick ups/drop offs...that allows us to have the flexibility to work late a few nights a week.

Can your DH be home earlier than 7, then you could all eat together? Is he working late because he starts late/ has a long commute?

We have a similar set-up, though DH does all the nursery pickups and they are usually home around 6. We used to give DD a snack (as she'd have eaten at nursery), do bedtime at 7.30, then dinner for us. But bedtime started dragging out so we weren't eating until well after 9, so we switched to having dinner together at 6.30 - DD has a small amount depending on how hungry she feels. Means we have more time together once she's in bed.

I do feel guilty about this though as then dh gets home late and hangry

You're busy doing the end-of-day (=really hard) childcare! You shouldn't feel guilty.

I have remembered something else that makes a big difference, but is only possible as DH and I work about 15 minutes apart from each other. We go for a quick lunch once a week, during the working week. It is AMAZING.

Ellie - dh starts late ish (9.15) after doing pick up, can’t leave before 6.30, and has a 90 ish min commute so getting back by 7 is impossible.

I could eat around 6/6.30 on my own and offer dd a snack (she has dinner at 5 at nursery). But dd is useless at entertaining herself at the best of times, let alone when she’s tired after a long day at nursery so prepping anything would be hard work. And I like to try and keep the evening quiet and chilled out, and actually spend a bit of time with dd in the only hour of the day I really see her.

I’m going to try and prep / batch cook this weekend so I’ve got a couple of mid week meals ready. And see if I can persuade my mum to take dd for a day so dh and I can go out for lunch or something.