Am I a bad mum?

[Rorymum]

Hi all,

The long and short of it is that I have a 4 year old and an ebf 6 month old who is up at least twice in the night so I'm pretty worn out. I don't have family help and my eldest is in nursery 15 hours a week.

I find myself getting short tempered with my eldest at least once a day. She's very good at procrastinating and likes to have the final say with everything. A friend who is a childminder says this is normal for her age. I have been quite short with her lately becayse otherwise the house would be a tip and we'd all be hungry and filthy. I feel like I'm doing my best but I used to be softer and I see the mum's on here seem to be endlessly kind and patient too. Am I doing it wrong or is this normal? Im not shouty I'm just really tired and feel a bit tearful or overwhelmed or tired, particularly I'm the mornings.

Thank you

I even feel bad about the msg I've just written, in case I've said terrible things about my daughter. Is that normal? I'm so emotional I think I could do with a good cry and then just to pull myself together and get on with it xx

No your not a bad mum! First of all if you were you wouldn’t doubt yourself. You’re tired and worn out with 2 young kids. It does get easier .. promise !

OP- I constantly ask myself this over my DS, also 4. They can be such cheeky buggers at this age cant they? I find I have bad weeks where he is particular naughty/I feel I've snapped/raised my voice too often, then we go into a calmer week afterwards. Up and down constantly. But if all you are doing is shouting when she is particular naughty, no, I don't think that makes you a bad mum at all but a very normal mum.
I cheer myself up by looking at 1 of hurrahforgins posts on Instagram as she always seems to post on a day I have particular bad mum guilt/having had a horrendous day - and sums it up perfectly!

I also have DD- 2 BTW and mornings also def the worst- if you drive load them both into car, turn up the radio and just drive, anywhere- its such a release to get out of the house and drive around taking your mind off it, works for me anyway!

Thank you. I'm glad I'm not alone. I hope it gets easier but I don't want to wish anything away either. I feel I was a far better mum with one baby but I'm hoping now we have our beautiful second that they will grow up better off having had each other.

You're not a bad mum

I only have one and I can barely cope some days so you're doing a great job xxx

You sound totally normal. Trust me when I say this, most parents struggle at some point and feel like everyone else has got it all figured out. Truth is we're all mostly winging it!

If you live your kids, it's enough. Love is what often makes us feel guilty too, I doubt very much crap parents feel guilty at all, my mother never!

I have a just turned 4yo and 7mo whose usually up twice a night - I feel your pain! Today DD decided to run away from the loo and deliberately wee on a fabric storage box that had to be binned. Why!?

I've been worried about how angry I've been getting since dd2 was born, I can get short with her and even rough (pulling her roughly if she's refusing to do something), occasionally shouting right in her face if she does something really awful (e.g. deliberately hurting her sister or me)

I'm glad it's not just me, but it doesn't make my behaviour any more acceptable.

I've been working on identifying my triggers (tired/hungry/ short on time) and walking away before snapping, and building more time into the day. Still worried though. I need more sleep!

Mine are 4, 2.5 and I'm due to have another baby in July. I lose my patience with my kids most days, because life is busy and stressful and after a full day's work, nursery pick up and all the other stuff life throws at us, I am exhausted!

Most other parents I know are the same. As long as you're aware of yourself, try to learn from your mistakes and apologise to your kids when you've gone too far I think you're fine.

Thank you so much everyone. I've been feeling really down about it and I'm really relieved to hear that it isnt just me. I have lost my temper on occasion but apologised to her and said I'm very tired or that it would be easier if she would listen to me so I don't have to say everything so many times. I've always thought all you have to do is love them and the rest will click into place, but when you feel a bit down you can't always think straight. Tomorrow is another day :-) xx

Bellybean I have tried walking away and counting, just telling her without any emotion whatsoever to have a sit and a think and come back to me when she's ready to start again or completely ignoring testing meltdown behaviour. It's just that it's hard when you're tired. It's something that takes practice perhaps. Xx

I totally agree it's the sleep deprivation that is a killer. DD was as awful as she usually is after a busy week tonight, but I dealt with it all really calmly and de-escalated the situations well. Rare! But I'd had a good nights sleep and a relatively relaxing day. It makes such a difference!

A note on having to repeat yourself, I've instigated a spot in her bedroom called the thinking spot. If I have to ask DD to do something more than a couple of time I tell her she can choose to either do x or go on the thinking spot til she's ready to do x. It's not for 4 mins or whatever.

Sometimes helps