Being a new Wife&parent...I just cant cope anymore..the work load is too much PLEASE any tips or advice??

[jenny775]

Hi All,
I've resorted to putting out a public message for advice or tips bc I actually can't cope anymore, after 4 years of being together we got married last year, 2 babies now 1 and 3 and I am not kidding but I am on the verge of asking him to move out (not that it is going to happen in reality) but these thought regularly go through my mind and I have on occasion asked him (at least once since we got married which is not even a year ago)

He is a great man.....there are lots of positives... he works hard, very handsome ;) a good job, great Dad, kind hearted BUT JESUS help me he does nothing without being asked.... everyday the same thing... I work 3 days so spend the other time at home with the kids which is damn hard and the list of responsibilities is never ending. I always think if I bump into someone I havent seen in ages and they ask, OMG you have kids now.... wow...how many? and i my head I say THREE...2 boys and a girl..one is 42, one is 3 and one is 1 years old....

Its not even funny anymore how I feel, its gone to the stage where he had a Vitamin K deficiency and I called up the doc and made the apts for injections which he ended up cancelling as it was too near Xmas and I have to stand int he kitchen and take out his vitamins which were prescribed to him by the doctor and hand them to him??? Im like .... Just fffffffffffffing shoot me now, I honestly can't cope with it anymore. He does absolutely nothing for himself and the less he cares or does then the more I have to pick up and do.

Even the back lawn.... every 2 wees in the summer I have to ask and ask him to do it, last time I just paid someone to come and do it and gave him the invoice.... didn't seem to bother him at all.

He is not at all a DIY person so..... that also falls onto me...along with

Hoovering
Laundry (washing, drying and folding)
Bathrooms
Budgeting
Finances
Organising the bills
decluttering
meal planning
grocery shopping
Organising of the house maintenance
Organising of car maintenance
booking a damn holiday bc if I didn't we wouldn't get one
preparing B:L:D for the kids onthe day the childminder arrives.
then there is the parenting and all that comes with having 2 beautiful children

he does the dishes after dinner which always gets done. He also has his salary directed my our account where I pay the bills and then I save the rest (it doesnt go into my packet) so he has many great qualities but I've become just his mother and nag....

I honestly think it would be easier on my own and I do not want to live with him anymore, I have tried lists, white boards, cooking night but they all disappear into thin air and I will take responsibility for everything, I just cant sit back and let the place fall into itself with laundry or what ever.

So....please girls.... rather than my marriage fail which I don't want to happen.... has anything worked for you....

You have just described my husband , could wrote that myself to the extent that I have to tell him to brush his teeth but also has million positives

I'm going to stick around for some words of advice because I clearly don't have any as I'm in your boat op

In your list is laundry, please tell me you’re not doing his laundry OP.

Yeah my DH is the same... but i can't really imagine life without him and he's great with our DS!

'Good dad' and 'kind hearted' aren't descriptions I would use given everything else you have described.

My DP isn't perfect by a long stretch but he is a good dad. When it comes to our DD he is just as likely as me to change her nappy, give her calpol, make sure she has something to eat/drink etc if she needs it. Even though she doesn't talk yet he knows her well enough to anticipate and understand her needs. I would happily leave her with him to go away for a weekend and not worry about how he would manage.

Can you say say the same about your DH?

A kind hearted person wouldnt leave you to do all the shitwork/wifework in the house. That's not kind.

Well, that's the thing, he is a great dad, nappies, swimming, stories wouldn't take that away from him at all, so should I say just like you, that's good enough for me, I'm a good Mum and I also run the house, even all the ffffff manly jobs I do... The list is endless.... He is very kind hearted but to others and his family but if he heard me cleaning up after making the dinner ..mhe wouldn't be running in saying...no so down... I'm left do every single thing on the list.

Maybe try having one lady serious chat with him, similar to what you just posted here. Bring your list so he can see how much you are doing and tally up how many hours you are spending working (including unpaid work). If he won’t change then perhaps leaving him is the only way as you could be stuck with a lifetime of misery. But- it will be hard on your own too so no easy fix here.

You should also stop taking care of him. He must sort out his own meds, etc.

Btw if you can afford it having a cleaner can be a huge help, especially when the kids are little.

My DH wouldn’t cone running if he heard me cleaning up after tea either but if I said which do you want to do, Bath the kids or do the kitchen he’ll do one. It’s a pain but offering him an either or seems to get the point over that sitting on his arse while I do everything isn’t an option.

If you're busy doing chores and you directly say "please empty the kitchen bin / clear the kids toys / chop the carrots (now please)" would he? (Without resentment).

In which case id accept he can be directed and get him to pull his weight by asking directly not hoping.

I used to have to remind dh to take his meds til I got cross. He found he remembered after that!

Agree with PP- i think you need to be direct with him. What about dividing up the chores so he has things he has responsible for? Would that work? Or just keep asking/reminding him.

Is hiring a cleaner an option just to take a couple of jobs off your list?!

If you cook for him, stop. If you do his laundry, stop. ( in fact, get a separate laundry basket for you and the kids)

Don't hand him his medication!!

Just stop doing for him, take care of you and your kids' needs.

Copy your OP onto a Word document or something. Maybe delete the bits about leaving him. Then hand it to him, give him time to read and think about it and say you want to discuss how things are going to change.

Can you decide between him that some jobs are wholly his? Simple, frequently repetitive ones, so that it really lodges in his head.

And definitely get a cleaner, made all our lives so much better.

It's a tough phase with small kids. Do you get time to yourself at all?

He is not a great Dad as he is telling his children that it is fine to get your wife to do all the work.

Have you actually talked to him about it. We divide the jobs up so DH does the laundry and I do food shopping and most of the cooking.

Thanks girls, I appreciate your replies, He does have his jobs... I even made it simple 3 Bs
Bins
Make kids Breakfasts night before (porridge)
And make the bottles up....could it be any more simple? But I keep having to remind and ask every single day, I'm so ffffing fed up, I'm not his wife anymore I'm his mother and his nagger.
Yes he can be directed no problem at all but why should I have to constantly direct him? I'm just mentally exhausted from it. Asking asking reminding, doing, organising, lists, asking, my head is going to explode... Yes we had a cleaner for a bit but it's not a option now really, we are so totally different, I'm a doer he is a sit on the couch and enjoy the morning. I will take the tip of me doing laundry and he can do the grocery shopping this week alright. See how it goes. Why can't he be an all rounder, why do I have to say..'well he is a good dad and that is good enough for me' it just doesn't sit well with me while in the meantime I'll have signed myself into hospital! I've tried the lists aswell, I just feel like ffs ....lists? How ffff old are you and it just makes me feel like his damn keeper

yes I do his laundry... but I this week I wont be...maybe he can learn how to do it himself...

I can see that you love him, and are trying to see the positives, and it's clear he loves his kids...

...but he's not a "good dad" if he's leaving you, his partner and their mother, exhausted and resentful. And he is absolutely, absolutely not a good dad if he is modelling this behaviour to his children. This isn't the 1950s, and he should be showing them at every stage what a true partnership is. His terrible behaviour is teaching them what a man is and what a husband is, and the lessons he's teaching really aren't what either you or he would want them to absorb.

"Wifework" isn't just horribly outdated (and damaging to your kids as well as you - but it being damaging to you is quite enough damage already), it's emotional and mental as well as physical. This cartoon is really good at explaining it - you might want to show it to your DH to try and make him "get" it.

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Definitely tell him that he needs to do his jobs. I bet he does not forget to do his ‘jobs’ at work.

Have a search on the MN archive for ‘mental load’ as there are some great threads.
I did feel a bit like this a while ago.My DH would happily do any task if asked, but I explained that means I’m taking all the mental responsibility. He did take this on board and generally does ‘his’ jobs without prompting and has stopped saying things like “Shall I hoover for you” - now just says “Shall I hoover?”
Could you also explain how massively unattractive it is when you have to consider him as a large child rather than your partner in an adult relationship?

There’s probably a limit to how much you can change him OP. If you want to give him the chance for things to change you need to be direct and specific in your communication with him and face to face is probably best. It’s your life and you can choose how you deal with this, but quiet resentment won’t do your relationship or your wellbeing any favours. Ultimately if he isn’t willing or able to change to the extent you want, you need to decide whether to accept that, whether to continue to resent but put up with it, or whether to leave. All your options have pros and cons, only you know what’s best in your situation.

Like you I work 3 days and have 2 at home with my DC. I do most of what's on your list:

Budgeting
Finances
Organising the bills
decluttering
meal planning
grocery shopping
Organising of the house maintenance
booking a damn holiday bc if I didn't we wouldn't get one
preparing B:L:D for the kids

are all me

Hoovering
Laundry (washing, drying and folding)
Bathrooms

are mostly me, as is washing up & cleaning the kitchen, I would say around 75% of the time.

Organising of car maintenance

is on him, but then I don't drive.

He does mornings and drop offs with DD on the days I work and baths her 75% of the time. He works full time in a physically demanding job.

I could certainly get all the things done on the list in the days I am not at work, but to be honest, I don't want to. I didn't drop my hours to 3 days to become the family maid. I did so to spend time with my DC. It's my view that on those days, anything I get done beyond the very basics of feeding us, is a bonus and not to be expected.

Our situation is far from ideal and conversations about how well / badly we are doing regularly crop up. However, the following work for us:

• General lowering of standards. Sometimes the floor doesn't get hoovered, the bathroom doesn't get cleaned or the dishes don't get washed when in someone else's house, they would. None of us suffer terribly as a result. It's my choice not to spend my days at home a slave to the housework and it's his choice not to want to spend evenings on it having started and ended the day with parenting and worked a full shift in the middle.
• Inviting people over. When we are expecting visitors, this usually motivates us both to sort out all the things that haven't been done, as per above.
• Prioritising. I care that we eat good food, I care that everything has a place so when I DO tidy up, I'm not just moving stuff around, I care that laundry gets hung up in such a way that I don't have to iron it. So I prioritise those things. It would be nice if everything got done, but as it's not going to, I do the things that make the biggest difference to me first.
• Lists. I have recently started writing checklists on the chalkboard in our kitchen of things which need doing on days off. Yes, I am still the organiser, bearer of the mental load, but to be honest that's not such a massive issue to me. What I care about is minimising the time and stress we expend on these trivial domestic things. So far, I think it's helping!

The standards thing is the big one though. Who cares more, you or him? And do you care equally about everything? If yours are the higher standards, you may just have to accept the fact that you'll be spending more time than him on these activities. If his are the higher standards, you can solve this easily by simply stopping doing the things you don't prioritise and letting him do them himself if he cares so much. Or go back to work full time, and use the money to outsource all the things you don't want to do!

@ArcheryAnnie Yes I do love him very much and I wonder sometimes why these issues get me down so much but I am mentally exhausted and I have not heard of the mental load before (so there is a word for it and it's not just me then) yay! that cartoon just hits the nail on the head! my god... me... picking every thing up on the way to the bathroom!!

@Creatureofthenight - Or even better.... how about not saying anything and just picking the hoover up...this would be better lol

@LuckyinOctober Yes you are right, god we are not even a year married and already I think would it be easier on my own bc.... what would the difference be...honestly the 'Quiet Resentment' is where we are at right now as I feel I am just sick of saying the same thing over and over. I think another conversation is what we need again....be direct and very honest not just can you help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee plzzzzzzzzzz

@mikesh909 - Thanks for your reply, we live in a small house so leaving things pile up isnt really an option but this week I have stepped back and am willing to try anything that will work for us long term

It's so much easier for these for guys if they can find someone willing to take the mental load. Actually, I'd love it if i could find someone to do that for me! Surely, that would be like having someone 'in service'...

I’ve just found the app “Picniic” which though I do the mental work for it - everything is listed so he can get on and do stuff, mark is as done. The more my DH sees written down the more he does IRL and starts to do off his own bat too.