Daughter struggling to make good friends

[KG82]

Hi everyone

My kind, generous, funny daughter is struggling to make good friends.

Teachers tell me she has friends, but she's never invited to parties and she's never chosen for activities.

She joined brownies but it's the same kids as at school so that hasn't helped.

Can anyone think of an activity/club where she can meet new friends and maybe make a close friend?!

How old is she OP?

Why do you think she is struggling (small school for example).

A drama/theatre club might help if that suits her personality

Have you been proactive in inviting friends around for playdates or days out and things?

Hello, sorry you are feeling worried about this. It’s so hard isn’t it. How old is DD and also has she noticed/ is she unhappy about it? Is there a particular issue or just that she hasn't found ‘her people’ Yet? Is it a large class at school? Does she have opportunity for lots of friends or is there a small clique of girls?

In terms of making new friends, the best thing I think is a regular hobby that lots of other children do. Ones that are different to school, so will need to be out of your immediate local area. The immediate things that spring to mind are gymnastics, any kind of dance class, team sports such as football, rugby, netball, hockey etc. If she doesn’t enjoy sports then what about girls brigade (it’s better than you think), Cubs (a pack away from your brownie group), performing arts classes, Forrest School, circus school, join a local riding stables for pony mornings? Appreciate some of these are costly.

I am really grateful to my mum, who made my sister and I do hobbies outside of school with a separate group of people. As a result we have a diverse friendship group into our adult lives. And when I was school age, if I fell out with school friends I always had hobby friends, and vice versa.

Good luck, I am sure your DD with find ‘her Poeple’ After a bit of testing the waters with different groups.

Oh yes and be really pro active about play dates. My mum wasn’t great with this and I wasn’t allowed to just play out on the street, (although I am grateful in hindsight) so I did feel left out at school when everyone talked about the games they played together the night before.

Play dates.
Join groups outside of school.
Some girls flirt between groups, don't have 'best' friends. This is how my dd is. She's happy this way.

How old is your dd? My dd 2 struggles to get invited to friends' houses. I discovered that one Mum only invited boys (her ds and my dd are great friends at school and he's been here), one has been here about 6 times but never invited there - but that dc never gets to invite anyone. Finally we've found 2 friends that we've had for play dates and they've reciprocated. DD's main issue is she has a very popular identical twin sister but they're in different classes. Dd3 loves to be surrounded by friends where as dd2 like 1:1. Most parents seem to assume they'll have to invite both twins when actually dd2 would love an invite of her own. We've always instigated play dates though. It's hard work. Dtds are 6 and in year 2.

I have 3 dc. Something I have learned over time, is that people "do friendship" differently.
dc1 is a real social butterfly. Flits from one friendship to another. Has skin as thick as a rhino and just 'arrives' in a room, assuming the world and his wife are going to be their friend. As an adult, has lots and lots and lots of different people he goes out with to different places, but no "close" friend, or no-one I would say was his "best" friend.
dc2 was completely different. Much more 'measured'. Gets to know people. Doesn't commit. But had a fiercely loyal band of friends from about Yr1 through until they all went to different schools at Yr7. Even when they (twice) got split into different classes they remained a really solid group all those years. At University now and all still in touch
dc3 was always a bit of a "3rd wheel". Seemed to make friends in groups of 3 and then the other two just became closer and she was a bit sidelined. Like dc1, is pretty resilient and has always just made friends with new people.
All are happy with their friends and their 'way of being'. It took me a while to realise that you could 'do friends' differently and be perfectly happy.

Tbf, at 7+, many people don't have big parties like they might have at 5 or 6, so don't use that as a measure.
As to activities, find out what is about, near you, and see what she would like to try.

Thanks everyone!

I do instigate play dates and they are reciprocated but as soon as I step back it all stops.

Today she was upset as they all had to write down the names of 3 friends they wanted to bunk with on a residential trip and no one wrote her name. Heart breaking!!!

I think it is a case of not finding "her people".

I'll look up all the suggested activities, she's going to have a lot of fun!!

Thanks for sharing your experiences, it makes me feel like this is something we can improve!

DD has someone a little like this at her school - everyone likes her but she isnt part of anyones group (although they must do bigger parties as she often makes the cut there).

When is she off to secondary school

Oh i think School handled that very badly. They should have asked discreetly and then made arrangements accomdating everyone’s needs. Some teachers are wonderful at supporting friendships and others not...

That’s so tough about the school trip. Poor thing.
I struggled with this sort of thing for years, wondering if my DD was bossy and invaded personal space too much. It never seemed to gel at primary school. I thought I was doing it all wrong, I worried about her.
She’s now in year 9, and seems to have a really solid crew who ( mostly) have each other’s backs.

So invest energy In play dates, do what you can, but trust that because she is kind funny and generous, she will find her people.

Today she was upset as they all had to write down the names of 3 friends they wanted to bunk with on a residential trip and no one wrote her name. Heart breaking!!!

Well, how on earth would she know that ??
Please tell me the staff didn't do it in such a way they then revealed that to the dc ???

My dd aged 10 has always worried us as she does what she wants to do at school rather than sticking with a group of friends - she likes to play with the boys!
She does have a couple of girl friends but they have sleepovers and parties and my dd has never slept at anyone’s house and only gets invited to one of the girls parties (I’m friends with the mum)
Around 18 months ago she joined a football team and she’s made great friends with all of them, but again no bestie. She does like her own space though so not quite sure wether she keeps people at a distance on purpose?? She does sometimes get upset though when a certain girl has a party or sleepover and she hasn’t been invited and that upsets me.
I feel she will come out of her shell more as she gets older so I’m not too worried

My 6 year old is exactly like this. It really worries me but I was watching her at an all class party on Saturday. She wasn't part of any group like most of the other girls but then I realised she was having a great time dancing by herself, she sat with some of the boys to eat and was happily chatting away and she seemed to check in with the girls when she wanted. I think she might just be more independent than i was and is actually happier doing her own thing- which is in fact what I've been trying to teach her with all the 'just be yourself' stuff. I do wish she was invited to more things but I think it's not that she isn't popular, just that she isn't part of just one group.

Yeah school could definitely have handled this better! The teacher didn't read them out but of course the kids all said afterwards :(

I love the idea of a football team as my DD also finds it easier with boys, thank you.

I think this is one of the hardest bits of parenting, thanks again for those who share their experiences, it helps a lot!!

DS was like this in primary school, but had lots of friends to play out with. We live in a cul de sac with a big grass island, perfect for everyone keeping an eye on them. I think playing out is really important, but understand the worries regarding child safety. I worry too many kids are glued to iPads and not interacting/playing these days, but that's off topic.

When DS left tiny primary school to go to massive secondary, he found his tribe, and he loved every minute of secondary school.

My DD seems to be struggling with this at the moment. She is sociable and gets on with most kids but she I think she is feeling a bit left out at the moment. What annoys me is I have had a few different kids over for playdates and a sleepover recently but nothing has been reciprocated. I know other kids have been to those houses so it's not like the parents don't have kids over.
She is good friends with 2 girls in the other class in her year group, they do an after school activity together and playdates are reciprocated.
I just want to say to the parents my DD is upset about being left out but don't have the balls.

I agree, I think sometimes the parents need a good shake, it's just so rude!!

My dd always seems to form friendships in groups of 3 - first at primary and now at secondary and I do worry that she will become the 3rd wheel as someone mentioned (this happened in primary but fortunately not until the end of year 6). I have tried to encourage her to make lots of friends in case friends are off sick etc. She is happy though, her friendship circle is obviously currently working. It is really tough when you don't feel your dc gets reciprocating invites etc. I felt like this was happening to dd for a while. DD also made a good friend taking part in an outside activity which also helped. DD1 was an only child for a long while and I think I went out of my way to instigate play dates etc. Now she is older it is down to her to organise them for herself. With a large age gap between dd1 and dd2, I might find this situation arises again. Hopefully things will change when your dc begins secondary school (my dd seems a lot happier now, friendship wise).