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Original poster

No Seperation Anxiety - Am I a bad mum?

25 replies

TwittleBee · 19/03/2018 16:03

I have been really proud of DS (9 m/o)being able to go to anyone. From since about 6 m/o he has happily had sleepovers with his grandparents and has let me go back to full time work with no issues over who he stays with. (Don't get me wrong, when he sees me arrive to pick him up he gives me a massive smile and crawls over to me)

But talking to rest of my antenatal group I now feel like I should be either worried about DS having no separation anxiety or feel guilty that I am able to leave him so easily.

The rest of the group's babies all seem to be having some separation anxiety and the mums talk about how awful they feel when they leave their DCs. They have often said they do not understand how I have gone back to work so early. Or they say how horrible they feel when they leave their DCs with grandparents to go out for a meal etc.

They have told me separation anxiety is a positive thing to have and shows how much DC loves their DM. They have said it is an important part of development to give them confidence later in life too as they know they will have support from their DM.

I am now questioning the relationship I have formed with my DS. Am I showing him enough love? Why does he not feel like he needs me? Should I feel guilty for leaving him? Am I a bad mum for being okay without DS around for a while? What can I do to make him feel like I am there for him?

OP posts:

MrsKCoulter · 19/03/2018 16:05

Ignore them. He's happy and secure. Sounds like you're doing your job to me.

mistermagpie · 19/03/2018 16:10

My DS was exactly the same, I actually used to think he didn't like me because I could have been anyone!

Since he was about 18 months he's been my best pal (he's nearly 3 now). Not separation anxiety as such but wants to be with me all the time. Turns out he likes me after all!

My other DS is nearly one and has always been very clingy to me. They are all different and it really doesn't mean anything about you as a parent. Don't worry about it at all, he sounds very secure.

mistermagpie · 19/03/2018 16:11

Oh and I've never cried or been upset leaving either at nursery when I'm at work. It's a necessity so no point getting emotional about it!

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hazeyjane · 19/03/2018 16:11

Well with dd1 must have been a rubbish mum....then a great mum (fine when a baby, nightmare as a toddler)

Then dd2, I must have been appalling (wouldn't have given a monkeys to be apart)

Then ds I was and still am the best mum in the world (chronic separation anxiety....ongoing!)

So basically. Personality.

Hadalifeonce · 19/03/2018 16:12

My DS never had separation anxiety, I saw this as a positive thing, he is now a strapping 6ft plus 18 year old, and still gives me a hug and a kiss every morning before he goes to school, and in the evening before he goes to bed.

He is a bright, confident, sociable young man, who loves his mum. So please, do not view this as a negative thing.

geekymommy · 19/03/2018 16:13

Don't borrow trouble- they're giving it away for free.

The timing when separation anxiety really hits varies from child to child, like pretty much everything else in child development.

Introducing your child early to other caregivers is what you're supposed to do to minimize separation anxiety. Sounds like it's working for you and DS.

No matter what you do or don't do with DS, somebody is going to try to guilt you about it. Don't try to parent to avoid guilt, because it can't be done.

Original poster

TwittleBee · 19/03/2018 16:20

Oh thank you all so much for your swift replies, they have made me feel so much better! Guess I can just ignore their comments then and carry enjoying freedom alongside having my DS

OP posts:

childmindingmumof3 · 19/03/2018 16:23

9-12 months is when separation anxiety usually hits but some children don't seem to worry til more like 18 months.
What's he like when you return?

MarthasGinYard · 19/03/2018 16:26

What a load of Bollox

Dd used to go to nursery 2 afternoons from 10 months just for a jolly. Never carried. Used to when we picked her up

Amazing now goes on Beaver camp as youngest one.

I was a clinger

So glad she's not like me as a dc

Chosenbyyou · 19/03/2018 16:30

My first was like this. My second is the polar opposite.

It is much better to have the first 'type' lol as I am really struggling with nursery settle for the second.

It's harder being at work when you are a little bit worried if they are unhappy. It's the same nursery in the same room etc but just a different personality type.

Original poster

TwittleBee · 19/03/2018 16:33

childmindingmumof3 He spots me and gives me a massive grin and crawls over to say hello (doesn't actually talk though lol!) and then carries on playing; he usually drags over a toy with him

Yeah I guess I should just be glad I do not have to worry about him being upset haha! Just can't help but compare (stupid I know!)

OP posts:

geekymommy · 19/03/2018 16:46

Step back a minute, here. You're feeling guilty for NOT feeling bad about leaving DS with someone else? That's crazy talk, but it's pretty normal crazy talk for a first-time mum, if that makes you feel any better.

If he's not upset, and you're not upset, it's very likely that there is no problem.

Of course the other mums in the group are trying to make the best of a bad situation. Their kids are having separation anxiety, and they are distressed when they leave their kids. They're probably asking themselves if they are bad mums because their kids get so upset when they leave.

MarthasGinYard · 19/03/2018 16:50

'Cried' not carried

Echobelly · 19/03/2018 16:50

I hate this idea that you 'should' feel guilty about everything or that you 'should' feel bad about leaving your child. My kids have, luckily, gone off into care and school just fine and I've never felt bad about it. I need time being not mum to be the best mum I can be.

I agree that other mums might be worrying there's something wrong with them or their parenting because their kids are so upset. But at the end of the day we are all doing our best and our kids will turn out fine!

Original poster

TwittleBee · 19/03/2018 16:52

geekymommy ah I see and are in turn looking for positives in Separation Anxiety! Which of course then makes me feel awful.

We are all first time mummies in the group so none of us probably aware of how different they can all be.

(Don't worry MarthasGinYard I realised what you meant)

OP posts:

Original poster

TwittleBee · 19/03/2018 16:53

Thank you Echo

OP posts:

LambMadras · 19/03/2018 17:13

A health visitor once said to me that the children who go to bed with no fuss and separate from their parents easily are the ones with the strongest emotional connection with the parent.

The screamers are the kids who genuinely don't have enough emotional connection with the parents and it leaves them feeling uneasy.

So if this is indeed true it sounds like you are doing an awesome job.

BeautyAndTheBrat · 19/03/2018 17:40

You answered your own question (Don't get me wrong, when he sees me arrive to pick him up he gives me a massive smile and crawls over to me)**
Every child is different, he's obviously just a people person!

troodiedoo · 19/03/2018 17:45

They are chatting absolute shit. It doesn't have a deep meaning, just personality as others have said.

wendz86 · 19/03/2018 19:24

My first was like this and is a real mummy’s girl now . Second had separation anxiety and is pretty independent now so I don’t think it means much !

DragonNoodleCake · 19/03/2018 20:05

He sounds happy, secure and knows he's loved! Do what works for you and your son 😀

Aria2015 · 19/03/2018 20:20

I used to worry about the same thing. My lo didn't get separation anxiety when he was that age but when he got to 18 months plus it kicked in and it's still going now and he'll be 3 this year! Your lo might be the same but even if he's not it's no reflection on how you are as a mummy. In fact I've heard it can mean they are super secure and happy.

LondonStill83 · 19/03/2018 20:34

Op I normally lurk and don't comment but was motivated to respond.

My DS, 18 months, is exactly the same. He loves nursery and for a period of time I felt guilty that he got on so well.

Then I decided not to feel guilty- because he is such a happy, social, outgoing little man and that must mean me and DH are doing something right!

I think some kids just thrive on social interactions- and believe me over time, the benefits of that have become more and more apparent as DS adapts well to just about anything.

mindutopia · 20/03/2018 09:33

He’s only 9 months. It only started for us really at 9 months with our first. And we took a very attachment parenting approach. Our dd had never stayed with anyone. We co-slept, etc. It usually starts between 7-12 months. Can lack of separation anxiety sometimes be a sign of poor attachment and bonding? Yes. But that’s usually in extreme cases of abandonment or neglect. Very likely it just hasn’t hit yet. I wouldn’t worry just because it already has for other people. Our dd was very attached to us, but separation anxiety phase wasn’t until 9-11 months, which is pretty normal.

DesignedForLife · 20/03/2018 12:18

They are all different. Don't assume you've skipped the separation anxiety. I thought DS had then he got it at 16 months. Full on wailing anytime I tried to walk out the room. Nothing changed other than he had a bad virus.

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