Please help me motivate my child

[Partyfops]

She is lazy and can't be bothered with anything.

She is good at school when she will focus, but focusing in class is a real issue. She can't be bothered to do anything at home and maths/spellings/homework is a daily battle.

They do all sorts of reading and spelling challenges at school but she has no desire to try to do well in them.

She tells me its about taking part and not winning. Which I agree to en extent, but she should want to win or at least do well. If she tried her hardest and she didn't win that's totally fine. But she just can't be bothered.

We have tried all sorts of sports and clubs, dancing, gymnastics, swimming etc. She does OK at them, we give her praise etc but generally she just can't be bothered and I get really frustrated.

We have fallen into a trap of bribing her with nice things and we totally realise that this is the wrong thing to do and now are changing tact to give her consequences for not trying instead.

She knows that she doesn't HAVE to do homework each week, but that just gives her an excuse to say that she doesn't want to do it. We do get her to do the homework in the end or at least do some extra maths etc if she needs it.

She is very nearly 7, so in class 2.

She is our only child and her behaviour is generally totally normal, she is bright and doesn't really struggle with her school work when she does it. She's not too clever to not find it a challenge though, so that's not it.

Even with consequences, we take things away from her or stop her going swimming etc. She just doesn't care.

She's not depressed etc. Shes a normal happy child, probably too spoilt, so its probably my fault.

I just want her to do well, that's all, if she tried and put in some effort that's all i'm after.

We try and make things fun for her, i.e she does her spellings on the patio in chalk or chalk pen on the back door etc. Maths on an ipad app etc.

I just don't know where to go next, i'm so frustrated and it's hard not to make it show.

How about getting some board games? A bit of friendly competition and help with English and maths, ie. scrabble, shut the box.

She's only six op! Children mature at different rates. As long as she is not significantly behind in her development and she is a generally happy child then I really wouldn't worry about it.

Yes, I think board games is a good idea thank you. I bought Uno the other day, I just need to sit down with DH and learn how to play it myself, we also have a bingo kit which she quite enjoys.

I know she is only 6, but she has always done well at school but it has stepped up a gear and she is starting to fall behind because she isn't trying. She has gone down to the bottom maths group out of 3. She was in the top group last year. She is capable of doing top group work, but she fights and fights and fights to do any practise at home or she just stops trying at school.

I'm worried she will fall behind. She also rushes through her work without properly thinking and makes silly mistakes. If I do it with her and slow her down she gets 100% without any help, just encouragement.

Gosh, I live in a country where DC are only just starting to learn to write at six! The academic system is very rigorous here too (later on). I can't comprehend a system where six year olds are put in sets for maths.

Obviously, it's not nice if you are genuinely worried about your dd op, but I think there is plenty of time for your dd to develop academically yet ... in the meantime it is important she is happy and engaged and not anxious about learning. Would being in a less formal learning environment help her perhaps? (Montessori or some such?)

What I meant to say is (I'm no expert!) but isn't the fact that she"fights, fights, fights" trying to tell you something?

I agree that they have such a lot to do at such an early age.

I don't think a more relaxed approach would work. I even think it is her large class of 33 is the reason as she is allowed to get away without focusing. We have a very good local private school with classes of about 15 which I think she would do well in, but I can't afford it.

I just want her to want to do well.

This might be worth a look, too. It could be classroom management but if she's really struggling, worth ruling out.

www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/checklist.html

let her be 6 dont start the pressure on her doing well now

Of course it is natural that you want her to do well op! Completely understand that.

But may I (meant v kindly!!) tentatively suggest that you may be getting a little too anxious about this? I totally understand that a good foundation of learning in primary school is very important, but I think by trying so hard to get her to do (non obligatory) hwk at home and extra curricular activities, you may (just a guess!) be putting too much pressure on her resulting in the opposite effect ifyswim. All DC are different. She may be a child who just happens to need lots of down-time. How about (perhaps counter-intuitively) backing off totally and seeing how she gets on? What do her teachers advise? If they are not worried, then I would let her "coast" for a bit and as she is intelligent, she'll find her own way soon enough.

Sorry, this is a better one than the previously linked as it gives an indication as to score whereas the other is a checklist with no scoring.

psychcentral.com/cgi-bin/child-adhd-quiz.cgi

Yes, she might just be six and it may be pressure related. But this specific collection of "laziness" that you've mentioned is extremely reminiscent of my own and my DS's issues and IME they don't get easier, they get worse. Nothing wrong at her age with waiting 6 months/a year and seeing if things improve with maturity, mind, but if she starts to show a larger gap with her peers I'd really recommend looking into this.

Agree totally with Steamcloud and chips The school don't help with all the setting and putting the children under the pressure of competing at a very young age. It can put children off school altogether IMO it's wrong.

I post as an ex EY teacher.

I would take the pressure off. So don’t criticise but don’t overly praise either. If she does well, ok good, and then be specific about your praise. I like that you wrote your words neatly. Maybe you could have used more descriptive words? End of.
I think she knows you care and it is a bit of an attention seeking tactic?
Is she also an only child? And in that sense doesn’t have to share her time and space with anyone? (I don’t mean this critically- I am only child myself).

And in the meanwhile focus on lots of non school related learning. Where she is learning without realising she is. Baking and board games for maths. Lots of visits to museums etc. Debate with her. Challenge her opinion. Tickle her mind in ways that are not just related to school work.

Our GD has been like your DD she's coming out of it because she can see the benefit of working harder now (she's 11 very bright too and an only child) I really do think that you have to relax with her, let her relax too. She'll get there.

I'd also google growth mindset to help with praise that might make her more inclined to try new things.

My DPs kids are lazy, tech man and bored with life but love Uno, Old maid and Top Trumps. I've recently started introducing them to other card games. They can play card games for HOURS!

Second the growth mindset information or read the Early Years Effective Learning Characteristics.

I too, as an experienced teacher and still working in education, would say less pressure too. I have had pupils not want to learn at school because there is so much going on at home. As your only child she is the center of all if your efforts, perhaps too much so. Does she have time to 'just be'?

What is she really interested in? We use child interest a lot in early years but no reason this should stop at 7. Perhaps if she can see a purpose to her learning. One of mine was unfocused but could spend a whole weekend building; drawing plans,taking photos, measuring, weighing, painting, designing and collating a book of his experiences in making a go-cart.

My other DC lacked any competitiveness at all, very relaxed and unconcerned about learning, pressure passed him by, but he has still gone off to a top uni. We are all different in nature and interest.

Exactly Blue Anchor As you say 'child interest' should be used more esp. at school . I have a dream where whole EY classes are involved in learning about e.g their shoes; the colours , the materials, where they are made , how they are made, counting the different types.. etc. etc.

It might be a defensive reaction to fearing failure - like an older child she pretends she doesn’t care because she is afraid of failing. Have you tried asking her how she feels and why she doesn’t want to try?

Also might be worth talking about the future and motivating her that way, but that might increase her anxiety if she is masking loss of confidence.

How terrifying of our education system to make a 6 yr. old frightened of failing. It's disgraceful.

Thank you for your thoughts.

I will take some time to read through them all properly and look at your points.

Maybe she is scared of failing.

Not everybody likes to compete in academics or athletics.

Make sure she knows it's OK to try something and not do well at it. If you're expected to do well at everything you try, one way to deal with that is to not try anything that is at all challenging.

Make sure she's not being harassed at school for doing well. I HOPE that girls being harassed for doing better than boys isn't still a thing, but I'm afraid I might be wrong. I hope that the idea that it isn't "cool" to try hard and do well in school isn't still a thing, either.

She's 6. Take all the pressure off her. The worst thing to do to a child that young is let them think the rest of life is one long assessment of their abilities.

Drop extra curricular entirely until it's something she asks to do. Let her spend her free time just running around and exploring and playing and chalking what she wants on the patio, not spelling tests. Snuggle up with her every night before bed and read to her, exciting stories that she wants to hear until the end. Play her music in the car and stories on long drives.

Very casually introduce spelling and maths, but only in the context of every day life. So get her to write a menu for a special dinner at Easter. Or give her cash to buy some flowers or an Easter Egg and ask her to check the change. Buy her comics and animal magazines as rewards for things she's done to help you, so she starts to see reading as a treat not a chore. Etc etc. And please, don't give a toss about spelling test results. Spelling tests are shown not to help children learn how to spell well. What helps them learn good spelling is being a voracious reader, and she can start that by you getting her enthusiastic about stories.

Actually, they have found that the use of "invented spellings" leads to better reading. Kids SHOULD be trying to spell words and getting them wrong.

You're expecting her to do optional homework? Most kids are not going to do that. You need to pick your battles.

I would NEVER EVER have done homework in elementary school that I didn't have to (unless it had something to do with astronomy). I have a master's degree in astronomy and work in IT now.

This She's six take all the pressure off her. The worst thing to do to a child that young is to make them think that the rest of life is one long test of their abilities

YES YES YES exactly Mina