Am I failing at this? 4 month old and a FTM

[MotherOfBeagles]

My son is just over 4 months. He does not have regular naps during the day they are sporadic and usually only 20 minutes in my arms. If I put him down he wakes up. I've tried and tried to introduce routines but he's just way too alert and into things - way above normal for his age every doctor midwife nurse and HV can't believe how alert he is. Once a week if we have a day at home he might have a two or three hour nap in the afternoon. At night we have a bath at 7 and I've tried to do his bedtime routine of change nappy, into pjs and sleeping bag, book, lights off, white noise teddy on, star projection on, sing and rock to sleep with a bottle after his bath. He will go to sleep but if I put him down and go downstairs he won't stay asleep. He's wide awake and playing. However if we take him down with us after his bath he will come to bed with me usually around 9.30 do the routine and then he's out for the night with usually one wake up around 4 for a bottle and then awake at 8.

He has reflux and CMPA is on ranitidine, gaviscon and aptamil pepti junior for these. He is constipated from the gaviscon so I'm trying some carabel this weekend.

But heres the bit that's killing me. The meltdowns. He's had 18 today. Full on screaming fits. Like he's been mortally wounded tears red faced open mouthed screams. Nothing consoles him. It can sometimes take me an hour to calm him down. I feel like a bad mum. Like I've missed something and he's in pain and I'm not fixing it. Or maybe it's the sleep thing maybe he's overtired and I'm not helping or doing my job properly.

I'm honestly starting to feel like I tick all the boxes of PPD and I'm failing my son. His meltdowns are just getting worse. I've got calls into his peads consultant and dietician. The GP is absolutely useless.

Help? Am I alone? Does anybody have any advice?

Is he hungry? Wanting to suck? Have you tried a dummy and bottle?

Sorry if they're obvious - mine was a snacker sho wanted little and often . And a cosleeper. And napped best in a moving sling or buggy or curled up on me. Exhausting.

You are not failing, it is just really fucking hard! My son has CMPA and some other allergies too, and also suffered reflux. Can you try a more hydrolysed milk to see if it helps? Sounds like he's sleeping amazingly well by the way! Well done, keep going, you are doing a great job! Seek help if you need it for PND xx

Wow it's amazing there a only one wake up! I'd be tempted to stick eith the bits that work - going to bed with you obviously works! Mine only managed 1 wake up at 2yrs old so be grateful for small mercies.

Do they get lots of 20min naps? It could be sheer tiredness in the day.

Sympathies, that sounds exhausting. I had one of those. Firstly the bedtime routine sounds far too stimulating. Get rid of the light shows et cetera. I would guess that he is going into melt down from overtiredness. I’d shove him in the sling, pram or whatever else works and make sure that he sleeps much much more than is currently sleeping.

Thanks @StickStickStickStick Not obvious I need all the help I can get! When he's having a fit he will literally gag and choke if you try and give him the bottle. If he's due a bottle and I know he's hungry I will sometimes wait for a lull in the screaming hold him really close sing and offer the bottle and he will keep screaming but slowly calm down. Other times it just makes it worse. Dummy does nothing even though he loves it.

He used to sleep in the car and pram but doesn't now. He's too nosy and wants to watch constantly even if that means he's so overtired he has a meltdown. Sling he will fight like a cat in a bath, unless I'm power walking if I even slow down a second he's off again.

*during the day

Thanks @KatnissMellark this is what is killing me is that he sleeps at night! He usually has a 20 minute nap every 2-3 hours during the day. I don't know if it is the milk but I'm going to keep ringing until I get another appt and talk to someone about trying the next milk.

Honestly, reflux is a killer. You're describing both of my children at that age! It is a slog. And you do things to help (holding upright after feeds) which slowly turn into habits and then you're trying to break them and something else happens (teething, cold). It seems neverending but I promise you it does end! My youngest is just over a year old now and although he still has a little reflux he has been infinitely better since we started solids. We have to be careful about what he eats but he is such a bright, happy baby now. If the medication isn't helping keep going back to get it sorted and get him on the right milk. Discuss early weaning with the paediatrician and whether this would be an option. Don't be fobbed off, the right medication makes a world of difference. Hang in there, it is shit bit it is not forever.

@EssentialHummus he just will not sleep during the day. No one believes me what he's like until they look after him. I've got aged aunts and grandmas who've been visiting for a few days at my mums and they all say they've never seen a baby like it. You can set your watch by him during the day 20 minutes and that's it.

So howoften is he napping? And how does he get ti sleep ? He could be exhausted, once they're over tired they're inconsolable.

With my second I walked the same time every day (preschool run) which eventually formed a routine a few hours after getting up.

Once exhausted no method will work easily - there's a knack to starting naps before they become exhausted. But I found it different for each baby.
Good luck xx

This may sound obvious but have you tried a white noise app during the day. Also a swing might help. I found laying my baby down on my bed during the day for naps with the white noise app on in a darkened room helped and waiting with her whilst she went off. I would get a white noise app as opposed to a teddy.

@StickStickStickStick there's no pattern during the day, sometimes he nods off during a bottle sometimes just having a cuddle. I spit cues like rubbing his eyes and when he starts to look fed up and tired. But nothing I do will get him to sleep until either he's ready or after a melt down. I read all these self settling spotting cues help stuff and it just doesn't work for him. During the day every 2 hours ish he will have 20 minutes. If we have a day at home that's been quite calm he has once a week for the last three weeks had a 2/3 hour nap in the afternoon. I've no idea what's different other than no meltdowns those days.

@takingsmallsteps Thank you! So glad to know I'm not alone. I know exactly what you mean about all the tricks and then getting stuck in them and then they stop working. The dietician was supposed to be sending me an urgent appt to discuss whether they think it's the right milk and whether to wean early but I'm still waiting. Just going to have to keep calling I know that. My mums been telling me at the same age me and both my brothers did the same thing and just stopped taking milk (my middle brother never drank milk as a kid and drove my mum nuts) so she had no choice but to wean us and I'm worried that's where he is heading.

@Nearlythere35 during the day he's totally oblivious to anything like that. I tried for a week doing naps in bed like that and he'd just start trying to roll over and playing. Like he was laughing at "silly mummy trying to make a routine" 😩

My DS is the same. Very alert and nosy, doesn't want to sleep. He's breastfed so if he screams I can usually quiet him with a feed. I doubt if there's much you can do about it, you just have a bright and inquisitive child.

I wouldn't worry if he won't sleep on his own at bedtime while you're downstairs; baby is supposed to stay in the same room as you until six months anyway. My best advice is to take him out for a walk in the pram until he goes to sleep, then bring them pram in the house and let him sleep in it. It's sometimes the only was I can persuade my DS to sleep during the day.

My DS is the same. Very alert and nosy, doesn't want to sleep. He's breastfed so if he screams I can usually quiet him with a feed. I doubt if there's much you can do about it, you just have a bright and inquisitive child.

I wouldn't worry if he won't sleep on his own at bedtime while you're downstairs; baby is supposed to stay in the same room as you until six months anyway. My best advice is to take him out for a walk in the pram until he goes to sleep, then bring them pram in the house and let him sleep in it. It's sometimes the only was I can persuade my DS to sleep during the day.

My DS is the same. Very alert and nosy, doesn't want to sleep. He's breastfed so if he screams I can usually quiet him with a feed. I doubt if there's much you can do about it, you just have a bright and inquisitive child.

I wouldn't worry if he won't sleep on his own at bedtime while you're downstairs; baby is supposed to stay in the same room as you until six months anyway. My best advice is to take him out for a walk in the pram until he goes to sleep, then bring them pram in the house and let him sleep in it. It's sometimes the only was I can persuade my DS to sleep during the day.

My DS is the same. Very alert and nosy, doesn't want to sleep. He's breastfed so if he screams I can usually quiet him with a feed. I doubt if there's much you can do about it, you just have a bright and inquisitive child.

I wouldn't worry if he won't sleep on his own at bedtime while you're downstairs; baby is supposed to stay in the same room as you until six months anyway. My best advice is to take him out for a walk in the pram until he goes to sleep, then bring them pram in the house and let him sleep in it. It's sometimes the only was I can persuade my DS to sleep during the day.

Hi OP. I have PND and my baby also started to change at 4 months. She no longer slept, would refuse daytime naps and scream bloody murder because she was tired. She also has reflux and this has been managed with gaviscon.

She is now 8 months and is starting to become a little person. She still is not great at sleeping but it is getting a little better.

It is so hard when you have pnd and you try your absolute best and it still seems that they are unhappy.

Do you take him out during the day? Will he sleep in the pram? One thing I've found that helps my dd is a comforter. She likes to fall asleep with me stroking her hands but to try and get her to settle herself I give her a comforter and she strokes it to go to sleep.

Hi @motherofbeagles my baby did that too, but I persisted just stroking her back and head, being quiet and after about 20 minutes she slept. I think baby groups are a good idea too. I found the worst days were when we didn't go out all day. This will get better, good luck x

If he has a decent nap at home on the day you spend at home could you arrange things so you're at home more so he gets that opportunity more often? I've seen some people go mad with going to baby groups and always out so the baby ends up really over-stimulated and tired. Mine seemed to prefer having an afternoon nap at home so now I arrange my day around that.

TBH I didn't worry too much about a routine at 4 Months- I just had a few fixed points eg bedtime at a certain time. Gradually built on that to create a routine.

You say that he doesn't have a meltdown on the calmer days at home when he ends up with a 2/3 hour nap? The meltdown is key - sign of being over-stimulated and over-tired.

What are you doing on the days you go out?

He sounds very like my now 3yr old, who it still as lively. I used to say when he was that age that he was afraid he'd miss something if he settled. I used to have to hold him really tightly and bounce/rock him to get him to sleep. And he'd have to stay there or he wouldn't sleep. This was all night too. He was also a big crier/screamer. I used to think the neighbours would call Social Services on us! Also had reflux and hated feeding. I dreaded feeding time as the crying and screaming would start again. I have no advice, but to say you're not failing him. It's awful when you are going through it and you honestly think it will never end

Could you spend more time at home and see if he'll do the long nap? I learnt with my second that if he got overstimulated he wouldn't sleep and would meltdown constantly. I was taking him out everyday to groups and things with my DS1 and he just couldn't handle it. If we had a lazy day indoors he was much calmer.
It's an awful time and I really feel for you.

I was wondering if he was a bit overstimulated too. Could you try a week just at home and try to get into a routine and then fit your activities around that?

Also agree you should get rid of all the bedtime gubbins - probably keeping him awake!! Bath, bottle, bed.

Bedtime routine isn't a problem I don't think as he seems to know each step and as soon as he's got the bottle in his mouth and I'm singing he goes straight to sleep and will stay asleep as long as either my husband or I are in the room. This is why he's still coming to bed with us at 9/9.30. When I do the routine at 7 he passes out and seems to be totally out of it but after twenty minutes alone in the bedroom he's awake again and will not settle back to sleep. It's like he needs us there to sleep. And he's usually perfect at night which is what confuses me so much! He sleeps pretty much ideally at night. It's just like two different babies one in the day and one in the night.

The days where he's had the 3 hour naps are always on a Thursday or a Friday if I've been at home and he's been calm. I wondered if it was him overstimulated too so spent nearly two weeks only going out once or twice a week because literally needed milk from the shop. And to walk my dogs with him in the pram. No difference. The only time he has the longer naps is when he's not had a meltdown and I've no idea what stops the meltdowns 🙁.