Problem with overgenerous relatives

[Tartanmam]

Does anyone have a problem with inlaws buying very expensive gifts for their dc? It is ds's first birthday in a couple of weeks and BIL texted dh today to tell us they had bought him a slide and swing for his birthday, when dh told him we had already bought him a slide he just replied oh well, he can have two then.
They did the same when he was born, spent over £300 on stuff we didn't need or really want, and MIL is just as bad. I know i sound really ungrateful and ds is too little to notice who buys him what but i'm already thinking ahead to how crappy its going to be when he gets better presents from his uncle and grandparents on one side than he does from his own parents, santa, or any relatives on my side (they know i don't agree with spending hundreds of pounds on presents and generally feel the same).
I don't know what to do, BIL's wife is not the easiest person to approach and when i did try to make a light-hearted comment to FIL at Christmas about their expensive gift (that i specifically asked them not to get when they mentioned it) he got in a strop and said he could do what he wanted, it was his grandson blah blah blah.
Hmm, now wondering if i should have posted this in AIBU, really just want to know if anyone has any suggestions about how to deal with it or do i just stop being a brat and get over it?

I think you may just have to take a deep breath and just let them get on with it, it's their money after all. I know what you mean though, it's lovely when people spend money on your kids, but I often feel bad because relatives buy my ds much better things than me and dp ever could. I'm lucky though that they ask me what ds would like/needs first. Could you make suggestions about what your ds needs to your in laws. It does seem a shame for them to spend so much money on something that isn't really needed when there may be other things that he would really benefit from. But at the end of the day you can't really control what they choose to buy. For the future though me and dp have learnt not to buy anything for ds until after christmas/birthdays so that no one duplicates our present.

I think you need to have a very calm conversation and explain the situation to them from your POV. Perhaps say that you/your relatives can't afford to match their presents (even if this isn't true!) and don't want your gifts to look shabby. Make them feel as if they will be being the "big" ones by being understanding and helping you out of a difficult position. Don't make them feel bad for being generous, just try to explain that you are worried that when your baby is old enough to work out the difference in toys, he will be upset with you.

In the case of BIL, if they have kids of their own you could explain that you are not in a position to spend the same on their kids and don't want to take advantage of their generosity. I know my parents had a mutual agreement among all my aunts and uncles of a £10 limit to all Christmas presents (this was a few years ago when a tenner bought more!). It was to prevent anyone feeling hard done by.

I think in their position I would be cross at being told what to buy/what not to buy, but would understand if asked to keep to a £50 limit (for example).

my mil always goes mad for birthdays and christmas for my children, and us, but I just can't afford to spend that back, which makes me look 'cheap'. I believe my parents and in laws should be treated same, and same amount spent on both for presents. What do you think?

Perhaps you could suggest they buy something of a suitable cost for a present and any extra could go into a savings account for him to go to University or a deposit on a house etc... when he is older and appreciates it more!

IME you won't be able to stop them.... but you can adjust their thinking enough to get something more acceptable.

If they are so keen on being generous, perhaps it can be channelled ?
They could for instance set up a standing order into a child trust fund.

dont do anything. return the slide yo ubought.
my family buys my kids loads of stuff. in laws have never ever bought them anything. they know who loves them.

I don't know what to do, but I sympathise, I think you're in the right and I don't think YABU by the way! I get annoyed by the endless unnecessary (and often unsuitable) presents from relatives and they're nowhere near this bad! It is very, very difficult to say anything but it infuriates me because it is sending such a terrible message. I want my DS who is 2) to grow up understanding he doesn't need to have everything that takes his fancy. I think I'm doing quite a good job helping him learn that and helping him to be happy seeing things he likes in shops and have a go with them and then leave them behind because they are the shop's, etc. We get him a couple of smallish presents on birthdays, xmas etc and they are carefully chosen to be things he'll get a lot of use out of. Then the rellies wade in with the giant stuffed animals and ridiculous electronic toys that are destined to break after 2 uses and it drives me mad!

I wish i could say "If you want to spend all that money, please could you put in his child trust fund to help him go to college or buy a flat - or give it to the NSPCC" but it would sound so bossy and controlling.

Exactly the same thing happened with my in laws but I think they might have just cottoned on as the recent gifts (every other week or so as they live nearby) have changed to things like clothes that the kids actually need or chocolate that they eat and then it's gone (and not some expensive toys they don't play with cluttering up the toy cupboard).
I'd go along the same lines as Cece and tell them you've set up an account, or tell them you'd love them to contribute to their grandchild's trust fund. Good luck - it won't be easy!

I think that you probably have to grin and bear it for the most part. I used to be very stressed out about the extravagence of my in-laws but am relaxing about it gradually. When DS1 was 1 DH's aunt bought him a huge battery powered quad bike which I hated - my mum had bought him a wooden bike which I'd asked her to get and I thought he didn't need two - but he does really love the plastic monstosity and it is good to have spare bikes when friends come. Agree that it's hard to see an upside to 2 slides though! Can you get DH to speak to his family at all - my husband is useless at this though - he just isn't that interested in the problem. I have started asking my MIL for things although do find it a bit awkward, eg Have you bought DS's a Christmas rsent yet, they would really like X - and try te make it something with a range of prices so that they can be as extravagent as they like. I do worry that my ds's will think that my family are mean but I won't have done a very good job with them if they just value people based on how much they spend.

Don't think you'll be able to stop them, but doesn't mean your DCs will love them more.

I had an uncle with no kids who used to do a major splash out at Christmas. We loved it, but it certainly didn't change our relationship with parents or other family members.

(It came to an end when he got married and became a stepdad - but we accepted that too!)

My brother is like that too. He buys lots of lovely clothes and toys for my DD ... all expensive stuff that I couldn't bear to buy. He's not very good with children and couldn't spend too long in the company of children. And I think that's his way of saying that he loves his niece.
Personally, I'd rather he be more tolerant towards children (it would mean a lot more to me than all the clothes and gifts he buys) but now I know its no point trying to change people. In fact, we recently argued about it. And he is very angry with me because I came across as ungrateful.
Now I've learnt to accept things as they are. That's really his way of showing love.

Thanks everyone, i think i do need to relax a little bit, dh is annoyed about the slide but we did think once his brother got off the phone and spoke to his wife they might have decided to return their slide (we bought ours over a month ago so can't return it). I know i overreact sometimes, and its probably a bit early to start worrying that ds is going to turn into a spoilt brat, i do hope they calm down a bit once we get past all the firsts.

This has helped a lot, i feel a bit calmer about it all now, think i needed to vent a little bit.

I know exactly what you mean.

We had the same with IL's. In fact, a couple of years ago I could have written your post

What happened was that my kids b'days are at Xmas. So IL's bought them huge b'day presents & then even huger xmas presents. We used to be affronted when some of the stuff they bought for b'day had been what we had got for their Santa gifts.

It all came to a head 2 Xmas's ago. They came up on Xmas morning with a black bin liner full of gifts. 3 of the things MIL bought for dd were the same as she had gotten from Santa, and to make matters worse, MIL knew I had bought them for Santa. Anyway, I had words with her & she went home calling us ungrateful.

We didn't speak for a few months, way into last May, actually it was for FIL's b'day that we spoke and that is in May.
Anyway, they had a huge bust up & the fall out affected everyone badly as Dh worked with his dad.

Long story short, I went down on my own one day, had a drink with MIL, we both talked, dh called after work, we made up.

They just didn't understand the money thing, they said they had money & just my 2 kids to spend it on, please would we let them. We just said that my parents weren't loaded & had 17 grandkids... made them see it that way. Let them know they didn't have to buy the kids love... they have now realised that my kids adore them, & they never ever expect presents from them. Every now & then they will give them small things, like colour pens & a t-shirt etc... but I can live with that

I sincerely hope you get it sorted out, as I almost lost the kids their grandparents by my silliness

Good Luck xxx

Would BIL or FIL see the sense of the argument that they should ask you first before buying presents, so that they don't buy duplicate things (use the slide example). Then maybe you can channel their generosity.

Don't think your child will mind more expensive gifts from some rellies than others... if they ever compare remind them that love and time matter just as much.

could you suggest they contribute to your child's trust fund instead of lavish gifts? i made it clear to FIL and step MIL that DS wasn't going to be spoiled at Xmas, and they only spent about £50 i think. we only spent £25 on him at Xmas ourselves- he was only 6mths!