indecision over ttc DC2

[mugOfCoffee]

DH only sees the positives, feels family is incomplete without DC2. He loved having a sister (even though his sister has ignored him most of the time for many years, resenting the fact he moved overseas for his career) and wants DS to have a sibling.

I am 41, nearly 42. DS is 16mo, absolutely lovely, but not a good sleeper, and I feel we have really dodged a bullet that he hasn't turned out clearly with ASD (I have ASD and ADHD). I am so, so tired and really want life back - exercise, music, museums, meals out, adult conversation. I love DS to bits and I love his funny little toddler ways (even the stampy flingy shouty ones), but I don't really want to deal with two of them at once. I am also worried about bringing yet another child onto this hideously overcrowded planet that seems to just be collapsing wherever we look (I was worried enough about this last time, but broodiness overtook my doubts, whatever that says about me). I just think what we have is lovely and there's no real need to make it all massively harder by having a second child. DS is very relaxed and happy and secure. A sibling would make everything harder and more stressful and would make him feel less secure.

But I look at the tiny baby at playgroup and oh heavens I feel broody. Every day I am reminded that this time with DS is so short, and I feel desperate to have another.

Can anyone talk some sense into me and DH, in either direction?

(BTW dropoff in fertility post-35 appears to not be relevant to me, though fecundity is possibly what will decide it for us. I have had seven miscarriages but have managed to be either pregnant, miscarrying, or breastfeeding/not ovulating, continuously, since July 2015.)

I'm sorry for your losses that's a lot to have to deal with.

As someone that is now 10 weeks into having their second child for the only reason of giving their big brother a sibling I can honestly say you love and cherish them the exact same way! It's really not that much harder than one tbh as you have done it all before. I do feel it that Iv put all the things you have listed wanting back on hold that bit longer but it's all done now and at least they will go to school at similar times and things so my adult social life should resume nicely at some point lol.

I was extremely broody conceiving my first and honestly couldn't have cared less second time round which makes me feel awful now. I cried most days worrying about not loving them or it changing our lovely wee family of three but I can honestly say having a second really has completed our family, helped by the fact he is an absolute breeze of a baby. He is so easy. His big brother was a nightmare and I hadn't realised it until we had our second lol.

Obviously you can't predict what your future baby will be. I'd say my only advice on this is do you think you would look back after the menopause and regret not trying for another or not. Obviously you can't know for sure but once they are here it really seems like a daft thing to have ever thought negatively about having another, or at least that's how I feel.

I think my main worry is that by the time I get to the menopause I might be looking back and saying "i hadn't quite realised sea level rise / refugee crises / rampant biodiversity loss/ climate change / plastic in the ocean / environmental and agricultural collapse were all going to turn out this badly".

I just can't find any positive outlook on what sort of world this hypothetical DC2 is going to live in.

I really really wish I could.

Mug weirdly enough I have been finding all of this really on my mind lately and you are absolutely right. I do question what Iv brought my sons into but we can only hope we raise our children as aware of these things that we are and hopefully there is some way to get through to the masses found in the mean time so that there could be some type of resolution made to address all the human factors causing the above crap.

Look at it this way if you brought dc2 into the world that may just have the answer to some of the above or at least your first born isn't alone in this world if they have a sibling.

There is no right or wrong ignoring the above you definitely have the love to give and so does your first born if you decide to go forward.

*they not that

Just to offer a different view OP, I found having 2 so much harder than 1, I’ve aged about 10 years since having DD2! (And she’s only 2...). I love her to bits, she is gorgeous and funny and I wouldn’t want to be without her, but if I could go back in time I would probably stick with one.

I am having the same dilemma and am 41 ..

Just adding my own views and experience on this.

I’m 32 and my DD has just turned one. My DH and I always thought we’d have 2 children but honestly having gone through this once, we are in no hurry to do it again. Yeah the little babies at groups or whatever look cute but you get all the sleepless nights and colic and illnesses and everything else again as well. We also don’t want to have 2 kids too close in age either, that seems to bring jealousy problems and comparisons/competitiveness as they get older so we’d want at least a 5 year gap but by then I’d be 36-37 and my partner 41-42, we feel that’s too old to start all over again. Additionally I just feel we can offer one child a lot more both financially and in terms of our time than we could two so no, we don’t feel bad. I really don’t think she needs siblings at all. She has cousins, she will have friends both at school and outside. A lot of people don’t even get on with their siblings so why it’s seen as so necessary is completely beyond me! I’m an only child and really don’t care that I haven’t got siblings. DH has a brother and a sister. His brother has ruined his life since the day DH was born and he barely got to know his sister until they were adults. They get on now but that’s a bonus isn’t it, had he not had her it wouldn’t have been an issue either, you can’t miss what you’ve never had.

Xansaf I'm really sorry about your husbands brother that sounds awful. God I do worry my boys are just going to be at logger heads all the time .

I only speak to one of my siblings (not through choice) but I can't say I liked growing up with the sibling I don't speak too. He was angry and aggressive so yeah it's not always great to have siblings but I also know lots of families that are close even from small. So it's not all bad.

I do have a cousin who has lost both their parents and though now pretty comfortable financially they are really alone in the world. Had to deal with both their deaths and funeral plans on their own & it really took its toll. Obviously I tried to help but was worried I'd come across as interfering and not helpful. That was one of my reasons for having a second and hopefully they can half the load mentally when it comes to losing their dad and I. Who knows it's all what ifs. Only you can decide op. I really do adore my second as much as my first and if given the choice I'd go through the shittest pregnancy again to have him.

I conceived DS2 less than a year after having DS1. I pushed on because I was insistent I wanted 2 children coming from a big family myself. I’ll be honest, some days are really hard. I can see family members and friends with just the one child and as they get older their lives just get a bit easier. They sleep better, their houses are cleaner and they get more time together as a couple.

But we would not have been complete with just DS1. And if it wasnt for us having absolutely decided not to try again now I’m 40, I’ll bet I’d be trying again! DS2 is stubborn and wilful and has a whiny cry that sets my teeth on edge, but he and his big brother are the absolute loves of my life and I couldn’t imagine not having had them both.

I think having had one child you know the ups and downs of it all! If you’re not completely sure, then I’d wouldn’t put pressure on yourself. There’s still time

Thanks for all the views.

To be clear, in the abstract, I'd love to have two little cute fuzzy lovelies.

It's just that in the current circumstances of the world, my level of tiredness, our ages, our parents' ages, etc - I can't see a way forward that isn't terribly hard and guilt-ridden.

I have a 2 year 3 month age gap. DS is 2.5 and DD is 5 months. We really wanted 2 and I’m 32. I’m finding it better than expected, but it is hard. The night wakings are brutal, and then dealing with DS all day. DD is a very content baby, but she still has needs, and DS is a pretty lively toddler.

If tiredness is an issue for you then I’m way more tired with 2. No watching tv or napping in the day after a bad night. But the baby phase is short and I’m already gaining some freedom back from the newborn stage. I’m rather dreading having 2 toddlers though

Although your DH and DC would like another baby, really you need to be totally behind the idea given it's you that will be doing the majority of the grunt work. If you aren't sure at the moment why don't you shelve it for the moment and revisit it in a couple of months? 2 months can see a huge change when you have a toddler (and even more so in the 9m it takes DC2 to cook).

My experience was that we had a nightmare baby experience with high needs velcro non-sleeping DD1. Then she started walking and became a little more independent, and her sleeping improved just enough for us to think "I think we could do this again....". By the time DD2 arrived DD1 was potty trained and STTN (finally!).
DD2 was a totally different baby. She had naps without needing to be held (just the fact she had naps at all was amazing). She would be put down. I actually managed to paint our new extension in the first 3m of DD2's life, with DD1 I couldn't even put her down long enough to make myself a sandwich (she'd scream herself purple in seconds).
You never know what DC2 will be like but don't assume it'll be the same nightmare. I planned for DD1 v2.0 and was pleasantly surprised! The first 12m was very hard work, and I'd say more than double the work of 1 DC, but with DD2 at 21mo now I'd describe it as marginally more work than when I had just 21mo DD1. They play very nicely together (mostly), which frees up a lot of my time to do the extra work created by DD2.

mug * Ithink my main worry is that by the time I get to the menopause I might be looking back and saying "i hadn't quite realised sea level rise / refugee crises / rampant biodiversity loss/ climate change / plastic in the ocean / environmental and agricultural collapse were all going to turn out this badly".

I just can't find any positive outlook on what sort of world this hypothetical DC2 is going to live in*

Given that your first child is only 16 months old I cant honestly see that the world has changed that much in a year and a half so did you not worry about that with him? My feeling is you don't want another child for various reasons so I would stick with one.

Well, if you read the rest of the OP Cutesbabasmummy you'll see a bit more of what I said. Also, a lot of things have got significantly worse since DS was conceived. Sea level rise estimates have quadrupled based on new knowledge about ice sheets; land clearing laws in Australia have contributed to massive biodiversity loss there; ocean acidification and plastic pollution are now known to be far worse wit far greater effects, etc.

So yes "I just don't want a second baby" because I'm so selfish. That;s all really isn't it.

Mug I did read your OP and I can can't see where in my post I suggested you were selfish??? My point was if you are of that frame if mind did you not have such concerns when you decided to conceive your first child? These things are not new in the last 18 months although they may have got worse.