Sensitive child refusing to sit in dentist's chair.

[PeggySoo]

My son is 9. Today I took him for a dentist check up and he refused to sit in the chair and just 'shut down' - wouldn't talk about it, close to tears etc.

I've taken him since he was one and he would let the dentist look at his teeth while sat on the sofa in the room. Eventually at the age of 8 he agreed to sit in the seat and has once let him scrape some plaque off. But now we're back to square one and he refused to do it.

What can I do? The dentist's patience is wearing thin. He said it was ridiculous that at the age of nine he can't sit in the seat and have his teeth looked at [not helpful].

He's always been highly sensitive - e.g. I cut his hair because going to the hairdresser was such a trauma, and let's not even talk about how difficult having the flu nasal spray was.

Any advice? I feel like I am running out of patience too.

Get a better dentist! That's a shit attitude lots of people are nervous about dentists, Drs etc its not a normal style seat to be in and does make you feel vulnerable.

I was/am severely dental phobic my dentist here has been fantastic! Let me visit and get used to the smell (very specific isn't it?) sit in the waiting room, sit in the chair without having anything done, then just "a wee look" then a clean etc and I was in my late 30's!

To lose patience with a child is unnecessary and counter productive

I usually sit in the chair and have my child sit on me. It really helps. My DC is the same age as yours.

I was going to suggest the same as Petmyunicorn - DD (12) lay back on top of me, on top of the chair, until she was about 9/10, and slowly moved on to me sitting on the end of the chair and holding her ankle (reassuring touch), and only on the last appointment was I sitting in the straight chair against the wall.

DD also had been coming to the dentist for years, due to childcare issues, while I have my appointments - started with dentist just letting her be in the room, then suggesting he let her sit in the chair after I was finished and see his bright light (he keeps cheap sunglasses for all DCs to use against the bright lights - genius idea), and slowly moved up to showing her the mirror and having a look inside, puffing air on her hand and then onto her teeth when it wasn't needed (getting used to it before being necessary) and so on. And she's seen me having injections, x-rays, fillings and cleanings etc so got used to the noise and smells and bright lights and different tools all before she needed them herself . (Lucky thing has never needed a filling whereas I had a head full before my teens). It proved really useful when she had an accident on a boat (a silly instructor's fault - admitted), and had a broken front permanent tooth that needed to be re-built the morning after a hard knock and painful night.

Definitely try and find a more sympathetic dentist. One who will explain things and let the DCs get comfortable with things before being forceful about necessary checks/treatments.

I'd been going to mine for years before DD was born, but he is FAB with DCs and lots of families have moved to him once DC are involved.

Sensory issues (you say haircutting is tricky too) can be very hard for DCs to deal with, and also can be hard for them to explain.

Could you do a social story on paper, like a cartoon story of a visit to the dentist, and maybe in talking through that with him, he can explain what is not nice and what is ok (or whatever words he can express about it) about a visit to the dentist?

And then try to think about what ways to make that aspect different? So if its a smell, can he bring a tissue with a different smell on it (lavender oil, rubbed in grass, orange oil (from a bottle or just taking skin off an orange/mandarin) or something not so clinical)?

If it's a noise, would dentist allow music as well, or ear plugs, or music through earphones?

If it's how the seat feels going backwards, could it only go partway back at the start, and let DC get used to that before going a bit more?

And giving reassurance that, while dentist is necessary, you are trying to understand what he doesn't like about it and trying to fix that part as much as you can.

Thanks for your replies. I think you're right - it's time to try a new dentist. It's also a relief to know it's not just my child with these issues (all his friends don't have a problem with it, especially now they're 9) and sometimes it can get you down when you just want your child to have a 'normal' response.

Biddy - that's a good idea. I'll try it. I think the main problem is he doesn't want to have the plaque scraped off, but he wouldn't even sit in the seat when the dentist said he wouldn't do that and he would just look in his mouth. I suppose it is a lack of trust or a feeling of not being in control (he really needs control!). He is extremely stubborn and it can take him a long time to be convinced to do anything different. When he got head lice a couple of years ago, it took me all morning to convince him to put the lotion on his hair.

We got round this by going private with a child focussed practitioner - its not at all expensive for kids (10 for a checkup iirc and they get treated with respect and kindness, so important for my 5yr old, she actually looks forward to going now!

I suppose it is a lack of trust or a feeling of not being in control (he really needs control!).

Then in addition to a new dentist with a more approachable manner, he needs a stop sign - something that means everything halts immediately. Few things make a lack of control more obvious than being laid down with a masked face leaning over you and fingers/instruments in your mouth. The sound and physical sensation of the chair going back can emphasize the impending lack of control.

Communication is key, he needs to know he can be very honest with you, even if what he says may seem ridiculous unless you're in his head/body.

My dd was exactly like this. Ditto hair cutting (first visit to the hairdressers was aged 10), ditto having feet measured for shoes.

I agree with find a more sympathetic dentist. Even what appears to be a small scale intervention ie plaque removal can feel extremely disturbing and created fear and anxiety during future visits.

My DD doesn't have an SN (her siblings do so she's been assessed) but would hate the dentist along with a whole bunch of other stuff but we had a sympathetic dentist who would look at her in our laps, or once from a distance behind the door He was jolly and looked upon it as a challenge. Unlike the audiologist who favoured restraint (of DD) and huffing, along with threats about refusing to see her and having to send her away to somewhere else.

The dentist did things like give her a mirror so she could see what he was doing, approach her while she was sitting up, talking to her the whole time saying what he was doing and why. In the beginning it was just counting teeth and then whether they were old or new - simple, simple things. Then one visit she just hopped in the chair and got on with it.

We got a new audiologist though

A stop sign is a good idea. Today I signed up with a new dentist for the both of us. They booked us a double appointment - do you think it would be better to have separate?

Unlike DS I don't mind the dentist so hopefully I would show a positive experience. Or, could it actually make it worse (e.g. if they scrape my teeth then he might assume the dentist will automatically do that to him)? I'm in two minds about it.

If you tell the dentist to just have a look. And no scraping etc(at least on this first visit) that would be a big help.

As I said earlier, DD had to come with me a good few times that she didn't need a check up and thanks seemed to help.As well as talking to her about what to expec

I must admit
Thanks love the idea of astop sign to give back control.
I love...a few glasses of wine at a work do tonight - a rare night away from DD...which means my spelling and grammar are shot...

Go to a different dentist that specialises I'm nervous patients.

We used to drive 30 miles to go to the dentist cos my brother was terrified of our local one. The one we went to had groovy long hippy hair and was really good with nervous kids. He actually made going to the dentist kind of fun. I’d definitely try someone else - running out of patience is not a quality that anyone who works with kids should have (spoken as a teacher).

my eldest is like this. very very sensitive. I didn't take him to the dentist until he was 5 because of this.
I find what helped him was to watch videos or cartoons about going to the dentist first and to my surprise he was absolutely fine.
The school disco on the other hand he cried the entire time and sat on the bench and wouldn't move.
I appreciate that your son may be too old to benefit from watching videos but maybe if he sees you first that may help.

My dentist is great, DS is 18 months and the dentist has a son the same age. He’s been to two appointments with me now and on the most recent one the dental nurse made a glove into a balloon for him and the dentist had a very quick look and count of his teeth with DS in his pushchair without touching him at all.
I hope your new dentist is more helpful than the previous one.

Get a new dentist.
This is a crappy attitude from a health professional.
DS is nearly 8 and is far from pleased with dentists. He is allowed to take his time and has stop signs when it is too much. I too stroke his wee leg when he is stressed.
Haircutting too - found a nice barber and just started with the smallest trim at the back and fringe where the barber barely needed to touch him at all - gradually built up and gained confidence.

A dentist is in a very intimate position and needs to build trust.