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Parenting

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Original poster

None of my siblings want children, is this normal?

47 replies

Debbierocket123 · 12/03/2018 15:31

Hello mumsnetters :)

I was having a conversation with my brother and my mum recently about parenting. We all have long-term partners but none of us feels the need to have kids and I feel like it upset my mum a little bit. She jokes that she's not ready to be a nan but she said she would like to have grandchildren one day. Is this normal? Maybe we all had fulfilling childhoods and are happy the way things are?

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kalinkafoxtrot45 · 12/03/2018 18:20

Riverside2 - there for the grace of God go I - I've never wanted children and have ended relationships over it. What your friend has been through is how I imagine my life with a child.

Trills · 12/03/2018 18:29

just could not believe she has let herself be convinced that a maternal epiphany would happen to her as soon as she gave birth

I can imagine the RAGE at all of the people who said things like "you'll never regret it" and "it's different with your own" when it turns out that you were right that you wouldn't enjoy being a parent and those fuckers convinced you otherwise.

Crunched · 12/03/2018 18:48

It is a coincidence that I was with a friend this morning who has two DC,both married and now in their late 40's and she realises she will never be a grand parent. I was quite stunned by how devastated she (and her DH) are.
She has never spoken about her distress to me before but it came up because she noticed other DM's of her age, were talking more about what they did with their Grand Children than children for Mothering Sunday.
I was struggling to convince her that I'm sure it isn't anything she or DH did 'wrong' but she can't accept that
Both children visit regularly and seem successful in career and relationships.
She has a full life and I suspect her children would have no idea about her feelings.

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Pennywhistle · 12/03/2018 19:09

Crunched but even if they were aware of their Mum’s feelings what are they to do about it?

Either they don’t want or can’t have DC. They shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about either.

LoniceraJaponica · 12/03/2018 19:21

I don't think it is abnormal to not want children. I was ambivalent about it. MIL, who I consider is morbidly maternal, would think it extremely odd.

himalayansalt · 12/03/2018 19:25

I am one of 5 siblings and the only one with children, although there is still time for the youngest (35) to have a family if he decides to.

juneau · 12/03/2018 19:49

She loves and cares for her child, she just regrets being a mother. Its not mutually exclusive.

Uh - okay. The way you described it sounded like every day was a living hell for her and she was furious.

Thing is, I don't think she IS too intelligent if she allowed everyone else to talk her into changing her life in such a fundamental way when she knew she didn't want it. I mean, come on, when you have a baby surely you know it's going to be FOREVER. You can never be sure you'll feel one way or the other, but if you feel strongly that you don't want a DC it's pretty daft to just assume that you'll get over it.

Having said that, some people do. I have a good friend who absolutely, 100%, did not want kids. She got pregnant by accident and didn't realise for ages, because it coincided with a major trauma in her life that she attributed her lack of periods to, and by the time she realised it was too late to do anything except have the baby. But she totally changed her mind once he arrived, and went on to have a DC2 and while she's an unconventional mum, she's a happy one and a good one too.

Original poster

Debbierocket123 · 13/03/2018 09:21

Some interesting responses thank you all for being so understanding. I never wanted children in my whole life and have met someone who feels the same as me. If it happened we would go 100% all in and make the most of it. But that WANT just isn't there and we wouldn't want to force it. My brothers and I had a wonderful upbringing, perhaps so fulfilling that we don't feel the need to procreate? I feel like I am made to feel unusual because all my female friends keep asking me when I'm having children and how many I'll be having. When I say I don't want any they ALWAYS respond with "you'll change your mind". It makes it feel like a dirty secret and it shouldn't be!

OP posts:

ginghamstarfish · 13/03/2018 09:32

OP, my family was the opposite - three sisters, didn't have a great childhood as our mother often told us she hadn't wanted girls, was cold towards us etc. We grew up and the three of us did not want kids. My older sister suddenly decided at 40+ to have a child 'so there is someone to leave my money to'. Not a maternal bone in her body! Younger sister also happily childfree until late 30s, met someone who wanted kids so she went along with it rather than lose him. Neither of these things are reason to bring a child into the world.

OliviaBenson · 13/03/2018 09:48

I feel like I am made to feel unusual because all my female friends keep asking me when I'm having children and how many I'll be having. When I say I don't want any they ALWAYS respond with "you'll change your mind". It makes it feel like a dirty secret and it shouldn't be!

Couldn't agree more with this. I'm fed up having to justify my choices. I don't go around asking everyone why exactly they want kids. In my experience other women are the most judgemental- my DH doesn't get questioned like I do, or told he'll change his mind.

AbsolutelyCorking · 13/03/2018 10:01

I’ve found the opposite usually happens — people with bad childhoods are dying to have kids as they want to do it “the right way” in their eyes. It’s not unusual to not want kids, if you are happy and satisfied in your life you don’t need them. Most people want kids because they feel something in their life is “missing”. If you don’t feel that then it would be crazy to have them!

Lottapianos · 13/03/2018 12:51

'When I say I don't want any they ALWAYS respond with "you'll change your mind". It makes it feel like a dirty secret and it shouldn't be!'

Its such a stupid thing to say. Some people change their minds, some people don't. And absolutely no-one asks people what they are thinking of if they are planning to have kids. Maybe they should, you might get some interesting answers!

Ignore them if you can OP, but its bloody tedious and undermining. I feel your pain

WeaselsRising · 13/03/2018 13:36

My 4 adult DC and their 5 cousins are all late 20s to mid 30s. They were all born in their parents early 20s yet only 3 of them have DC of their own. The other 6 all say they aren't interested in having any.

Riverside2 · 13/03/2018 16:38

Lotta "And absolutely no-one asks people what they are thinking of if they are planning to have kid"

No but I have spent years telling the people who told me "you'll change your mind" that they might change theirs. Only if they didn't have them already of course!

Lottapianos · 13/03/2018 16:59

Well done River

MaybeDoctor · 13/03/2018 19:21

I didn’t want them until age 33 when my biological clock literally clicked into action one day - I can pinpoint the exact moment.

My reasons were fairly logical - I worked with young children so knew exactly what they were like and I had a sister with severe PND so assumed that must be every mother’s experience! But the factor that I didn’t take into consideration was the love!

I was lucky enough to become a parent at 34 and was, a few years later, devastated to have secondary infertility and be unable to have another child.

Ilovemybaby91 · 14/03/2018 21:56

Why would people who don't have/want kids be on mumsnet genuine question...

Lottapianos · 14/03/2018 22:07

Have a think about it. Any reasons at all why people without children might value an anonymous discussion forum, where at least half of the topics have absolutely nothing to do with parenting? Any chance some of us might have children in our lives, even if we don't have children of our own? Or need support dealing with infertility? Not such a mystery

Trills · 14/03/2018 22:08

If you don't see anything on Mumsnet that could be of interest to people who don't have/want kids then you must spend your time on very different threads to me.

Ilovemybaby91 · 15/03/2018 06:38

I clearly do because I don't think I've ever seen a thread that isn't parenting related. Infertility I understand which is why I said people who don't have/ want children. But then I always go to being a parent - parenting. I'd just never heard of mumsnet pre baby...

Original poster

Debbierocket123 · 21/03/2018 14:16

Fair point! I enjoy discussing parenting and have considered being a parent in the past. I wanted to read about parenting and learn about it from real mums to find out whether I had made my mind up. That is why I am on Mumsnet - if I ever was to have kids then I would want all the information I could get.

OP posts:

NewImprovedNinja · 21/03/2018 14:22

My mum had 4 children and only my sister had children before mum died. I had one later in life and my two brothers, both married, never had kids.

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