Balancing deadlines and diapers: all for one and one for all

[dkb15164]

Hi there,

Away to become a first time mum in just 5 weeks while still at university. Just wondering if there is anybody out there in the same boat or who already has young kids and is at university/college or away to retrain and looking for support (baby and mummy classes can be a bit difficult to attend around lectures and childcare) Would be really good to get a thread going. Single mums, dads, couples, grandparent guardians, part-timers, night classes, everybody's welcome!

Hi

I'm retraining - already have degrees but they are only slightly more useful in my current life than an expired childhood passport or my duke of Edinburgh Awards or a Brownie Housekeeper badge :o or any other largely useless memento of times gone by :o

I have 3 kids - not babies but small enough to be a major consideration. Ages 12, 10 and 6. All put different demands on my time obviously. 12 year old comes home on her own from school etc and can be very helpful but is very emotionally needy atm and wants me to spend a lot of time with her - she used to be very sociable but is having a bit of a funny phase atm and being clingy, I naively thought that when just she and I were home I could get on with my work while she got on with her homework or read or watched TV, but oh no... 10 year old is pretty easy but requires a lot of ferrying about and "volunteer" duties related to his sporting activities, and 6 year old is obviously just little and gets so tired from being put into long days of after school club, which his older siblings never had to contend with at 6, poor little thing...

I work 20 hours a week (shifts) and juggling that and the kids and 17 contact hours at college and writing essays and a lot of exams, plus the fact I'm studying in another language due to living abroad, is all a bit much atm! I'm up now trying to finish a report that was due technically yesterday...

I find it really hard to focus, but I always have. Its just that when I was younger and childless and only had my own laundry to do :o there was far more scope to procrastinate and faff and still get everything done!

Did you get an extension for your assignment? I was up late last night as well, had 2500 words due in at midnight and I managed to submit the (mostly) finished copy 14 seconds before. I've got a bunch of assignments due in next week but I've got my mum coming over for her birthday dinner tonight so instead of studying I am having to tidy everything up as the flat looks like a bombshell. Don't think it counts as procrastination though as I feel social services could be called on us in its current state. Has your 12 year old started high school yet? Could be the awkward transition that's making her miss her mum. My mum retrained when I was about 9 and I remember helping her with her laptop and the technological side of her course - maybe try find some way to get her involved in supporting you will make her feel more grown up and alleviate the clinginess. I can't even imagine studying in another language, I struggle to understand most of my course in my native language and have to reread whole pages over and over again.

Hi dkp no I didn't get an extension, I submitted it at 5am, so technically late... We just have to email to our tutors, I'm hoping she'll overlook the 5 hours as she owes me a favour as I wrote a text in English explaining our qualification for her to use on a professional exchange to Scotland. She might knock a grade off for late submission, but I think that's the worst that would happen (I've never submitted late without an extension before).

I've got an exam on Monday to study for but my brain is too fuzzy today and I've got 6 kids in the house so having been to the supermarket and cooked lunch for 8 I'm on strike reading a novel , there are too many assesments on this course!

Eldest has a friend over today so is back to her old self. She's been at senior school two and a half years (totally different school system here) but they chose their opinions (mad, but a lot of her class are older) at the end of last year so the classes are totally re-mixed again and I think she's still finding her place in her new group. Kids stay back years and repeat years here so I think the difference between the 15 year olds and the 12 year olds in her class are starting to show!

Thinking back to being 35 weeks pregnant I'm amazed you've got so much energy! I think I was mostly sitting about at 35 weeks!

Are you taking time out of your course? Which year are you in? That's going to be an intense first few months til summer! I hope you have support?

Hope you're mum looks after you on her visit rather than bringing you stress - what kind of mum is she? Hopefully the supportive not the demanding kind!

Your lecturer sounds pretty cool, my uni has pretty strict late submission policies where for every day it's kates it's 20% marks off until after 5 days it's 0 marks. And that's considering that most assignments only score between 40% and 70% to begin with. How did you end up with 6 kids? Or did they just multiply before your eyes? I attended school in America for a bit (5th and 6th grade) that did the same thing with holding kids back and remembered having a 14 year old boy and 13 year old girl in my class when I was about 10. He had peach fuzz and chest hair and she was fully developed if you get what I mean. It was very strange.
I have no idea how I'm still going to be honest, I'm just determined to get it over and done with I guess. I'm in my third year of a 4 year course - I have to delay my exam this semester till August but will hopefully be back in action for the beginning of honours year in September. A lot of people talk about how much they enjoyed taking 9+ months off for maternity leave but I think a 4 month summer will have me bored out of my mind. My lecturer said jokingly to me yesterday "please don't let your waters break in my class" I told her I'd try my best.
My mums a mix to be honest - today she was really supportive and helpful but in February she was the completely the opposite and was really stressing me out not listening to what I wanted and just doing what she thought was best and her wanting to work on the nursery while I was in the middle of deadline fire trying to concentrate.

Argh your mum in February sounds like my DD, who is trying to swap bedrooms with my youngest today while I revise (oops I'm not revising am I!) I hope your mum stays more within her supportive personality and less within the pushy one for the next year and a half!

Do you have a university nursery? Will they take your baby at 4 months? I really hope you get a sleeper with that schedule!

I went back to teaching evening classes when my youngest was 4 months, and to teaching secondary when my eldest was 5 months (though I left after 6 months and became a childminder til we moved abroad), so it is doable, but full on. There were only 6 months of maternity leave including anything taken before the birth even 12 years ago, so what you're doing used to be fairly standard.

I had 6 kids because each of my kids had a friend over for the full day, so I guess you could say they multiplied :o I've got 4 arm as one slept over. I like having a house full of kids and mine are actually less demanding with a friend over, but it's loud and catering is time consuming... Weather's nice today though so some are outside.

I get what you mean about the kids having a friend over, it keeps them preoccupied and out your hair. My university nursery takes babies from 12 weeks so should be fine. I really want to see what it's like though as despite the fact I used to live in the halls right across from it (it's in the middle of campus) I've never actually been inside. Don't know if that would be weird though since it won't be for another 5 months. 35 days till my due date today and my flat looks so nice after the big clean up. My mum also refuses to plan ahead or make concrete plans which I feel will be extremely annoying with a newborn. If she says she'll pop back by my flat at around 6 after being at a certain flat but then she won't stop by till 9/10pm and not even apologise. Or she just thinks about what day suits her to come around for dinner and ignores me when I say I have an assignment due on that day. Definition slightly self-centred. She's a bit of a social butterfly and every time we go over for lunch/dinner, she has a few of her hundreds of friends over. The latest annoyance was my baby shower: I've not been feeling really social as none of my friends have kids or are anywhere near kids so I've been slightly isolated. After much begging, I agreed to a small baby shower lunch of maximum 12 people at a nice cafe restaurant. The day before I get a text saying she's decided to have it at her large house instead. I show up to 56+ guests with banners, balloons, streamers, games, everything. The exact opposite of anything I've ever wanted, I prefer things small, intimate and homely and avoid attention at all costs. She's already been told that if I ever get married I'm eloping to avoid the attention. We'll see how she does when the baby arrives, I've warned her that my partner and I plan to turn the flat buzzer off after the immediate family visits so that we can bond with baby in peace and quiet - she didn't seem happy and started listing all her friends who 'care' about us and will want to see the baby (none of whom have ever made any effort to visit me or even remember what course I'm studying).
APpPHearing that 6 months used to be the standard makes sense to me - I don't really understand the whole yummy mummy ideal that people in my antenatal classes seem to have. One of the girls the other day said she was going to take the next 5 years off to help nurture her child's development and I know you should never judge other mums but after 5 years of the same one kid, I'd go insane. Maybe things will change once she's here.
My course is probably more flexible and less time consuming than teaching secondary school, I'm only in a few days a week and the rest is self study, assignments and meeting groups outside of class for group projects which as long as I get my friends in the group (it's a small year) they would be fine meeting at a cafe where I can just let baba sleep in her stroller/sit on my lap while we work. Outside the nursery though there's no baby changing facilities or similar anywhere on campus even in the "everybody's welcome" union so coffeeshop is the only option.
Happy Mother's Day! Just in case your kids have forgotten. My partner got me some bath stuff and a tea towel, I feel ready to live the mum life already.

Do you have a confirmed space at the nursery? It wouldn't be at all weird to look around now, in fact it's really late! I looked around nurseries for my dc1 as soon as I'd had the 12 week scan, and most nurseries had 6-12 month waiting lists for the baby rooms so that was normal. Go and look around this week! If you don't like the university nursery you'll have to get your skates on to find a child minder or another nursery.

It's not mother's day here, but thanks happy mother's Day to you. I'll have to call my own mother later, yours sounds a bit like mine, but I only see mine a few times a year

I hope you get a chilled baby, not every baby lets you work with them on your lap! That will be impossible once they're mobile so do get childcare in place!

The problem with going back at 6 months is that's exactly when babies get interesting... But there are pros and cons to every choice once you have a kid, everything is a compromise! I did spend a lot of time as a sahm - from the birth of dc2 til dc2 was 4 I only taught evening classes. As I'd childminded before I continued to structure my days similarly with my own 3, doing lots of outings and outdoor activities and messy play etc (as an ex teacher and ex childminder it's quite interesting from a child psychology/ child development standpoint, not boring) and combined with the fact that when dc2 came along he slept for 4 weeks then decided he'd built a stock pile and didn't sleep for more than a rare 2 hour block again until he was 2 meant I wouldn't have wanted to be working then!

With one child you can be far more flexible than 3 obviously, but don't underestimate the disruption of a non sleeper or a mobile baby and toddler and do have childcare in place to study, not just for lectures!

• from the birth of dc2 til dc3 was 4 I meant, not that it matters :o

My mum was a single mum of 3 from when my youngest brother was about 2 and she managed okay while working as a community midwife when we were very young before switching to shifts in the labour ward when my youngest brother was about 7 or 8. Up until February I was still doing 3 nights a week nightshift in a physically demanding warehouse before going into university for full days and then sleeping 5 till 11 in the evenings. From a very supportive family and recently retired MIL (absolutely lovely woman, get along with her better than my own mum) has offered to take baby for 2 set days a week while I'm at uni so childcare would only be for a day or 2 plus my mum wants an odd day a week as well. My younger brother is also moving to the area after the summer to study at the same university as me (provided he gets in) and knowing he will probably be a bit of a party animal and spend his paychecks very quickly, I think the promise of a free home cooked meal will lure him into babysitting near the end of the month. I think maybe I'm just missing the interest in child development- but then I study marketing and hospitality and a lot of people find that incredibly dull (can talk for hours about my tourism case studies putting the whole room to sleep). Each to their own. Will give a ring on Monday to the childcare, I've seen posters this year saying they've still got spaces currently for this year so I assumed it would be relatively easy but then again maybe not. Had it in my head that I had to actually have the baby here to look at spaces but then again I suppose not. I would worry a little bit about missing out on things like first steps or first words but then if I stayed at home I'd worry more about missing out on the chance to finish my degree before I'm 22.

Oh you should definitely finish your degree! Also once it's done get a graduate job - it's a key time.

Really I was saying

1. you need childcare, don't assume you can do group work, revise or write up a project work with say an 8 month old awake in the same room.

2. being a sahp can be absolutely fully engaging including on an intellectual level if you are that way inclined, interested in child development etc so sahp deserve respect imo. Unless they are claiming being a Sahp is hard work but have only 1 or 2 healthy NT school aged and full time school attending children so 6 hours a day free maybe Doesn't mean I think you should do it, just that people who do, especially when children are preschool or homeschooling, aren't necessarily sitting about being bored or not doing anything useful!

3. don't be too hard on yourself if it's harder than you expected, especially the sleep deprivation. Only sleeping in short bursts is draining in a different way. However being young is on your side there so you may ride that one out without trouble!

Really sort the childcare though. I'd worry about relying on family as I know people let down that way, but you know your family. I'd be sceptical about a nursery with a lot of empty places but that may vary a lot by area. Where I lived when we were in the UK no good nursery had multiple empty places available, and when I registered as a childminder I was fully booked before I even opened my business. Your comment about it being early rang alarm bells, but your area may be different!