Help, how to manage 4 year old deal with frustration

[jesuislepp]

My 4 year old DD cannot handle her frustration. Her tantrums are huge. She had a massive meltdown this morning because I asked her to turn the tv off (we agreed, one episode of Peter Rabbit and then no more). She threw her things, bit me, hit her brother, screamed and cried for over 30 minutes.

And the other day, had a major tantrum the other day because she wasn't allowed two biscuits. We were with friends. No one had two biscuits. She cried for 1 hour, screamed, hit me in the face, bit my hands and I thought she was going to be sick.

I set boundaries before we do things so she knows what's allowed and what's not. But she just flies into a rage so easily when she doesn't get her own way. I've tried talking about her feelings afterwards, she says she doesn't like getting angry. I think some anger is OK but these major meltdowns are awful. If I try to restrain her, I end up getting hurt and then I get angry.

It's so tough. I don't know what to do! Anyone experienced similar? Thanks.

Bump...

Yes, maybe not as extreme now she's 4 but certainly been through it and they can be big (biscuits was a trigger yesterday in fact). Various things that help us

1. Reflect and validate their feelings - you really want another biscuit don't you, you're really frustrated that you're not getting another one.

1. Imagination and distract - I love biscuits too, if I could eat all the biscuits in the world I would have a pile as tall as daddy! How big would your pile be? It's such a shame biscuits are 'sometimes foods', how about you show me your new necklace kit?

1. Encourage them to embrace the anger - hit a pillow, roar like a lion, stamp their foot. Anger is an acceptable emotion as long as they discharge it appropriately.

We also have a thinking spot in her room with mixed results. There are certain things that are zero tolerance such as hurting her sister or me so id take her straight away and some that get a warning if she's repeatedly refusing to cooperate like getting her hair brushed she gets the choice of cooperating or thinking spot.

Not for any fixed time, just til shes ready to apologise or cooperate.

Thanks so much for the reply. Thinking spot sounds like a good idea. I will talk to her about that tomorrow.

I do try to validate her feelings but it’s tough. I also want her to discharge her anger as I was ridiculed as a child for mine (see where she gets it from) so ended up hiding it and I know that isn’t healthy.

Ah BellyBean, we have the thinking spot too! It works a treat. She gets a warning then I tell her I’m going to count to 3 and if she she’s not behaving by then, it’s the thinking spot.

She’s 4 as well and has got a right little temper on her over the smallest of things. She was talking about a dog that we saw the other day and she said “I think that dog wanted to bite me and it was jumping up at me!” I said “nooo it was a nice doggy on a lead”. Apparently that was cause for her to get in a nark and refuse to get out of the car

I’m hoping it’s just a phase. She just gets so grumpy over nothing!

Bit more thinking spot info... we tell her she’s not behaving and give a warning and count to 3 then it’s the thinking spot. I take her to the bottom step and tell her why I am putting her on it. Then say you think about what you did and stay there until I come and get you.
Then I ignore her for 4 mins and go back to her and say “mummy put you on here because you did x/didn’t do as you were told/kicked me/whatever. Are you ready to be a good girl now and we can play? What do you say?” The always says sorry and now and then she’s absolutely fine. The change is like night and day. Then we have a cuddle and draw a line under it and play!!

I think trying to explain what it is they are feeling is helpful. I will say ‘are you feeling frustrated about x,y,z’, ‘I understand that you are feeling frustrated, it’s so difficult when you can’t do something you want to do’ etc. Then we do a great big ‘grrrrr’ to get the frustrations out, and if possible a big run around the garden, and then something new to do. Seems to work for us.

We also do something im sure I read on here - ‘wind the clock back’ if things have escalated. We pretend that we are winding a big clock back to before the temper tantrum/bad behaviour and then try again. Gives a chance for both the child to handle things better, and for me to guide a bit better.

Thanks for further replies. I like the turning the clock back idea. Sometimes she gets so het up I don’t know how to restart so I’ll try the clock idea.

Hope it works :) we now have different amounts of turning depending on how ‘bad’ things have got and she will tell me herself how long we have to go for. I think sometimes, like adults, it’s hard to know how to stop and move on so gives them a chance.

Just wanted to update with solidarity after a particularly hideous day yesterday. Techniques don't always work!

She was exhausted after an extra day at preschool due to me being ill and I wasn't 100%.

Everything was wrong. We ended up not going out on a nice trip because she was not cooperating at all. E.g. She only wanted to wear her old too small shoes, throwing her current ones in the bin!

She was sent to her room and eventually calmed down and reconnecting after was Ok but no techniques helped in the midst of it.

Oh that sounds tough bellybean. I always feel so awful if we have to cancel plans because of behaviour.

We’ve had a tough day today. Absolute meltdown at the supermarket because I said no to a smoothie. I tried talking through her frustrations, distracting her by asking her to help me, threats of toys being removed but nothing worked. Refused to get up off the floor so I had to haul her up and she bit me several times. I have to say I see red when she bites and literally frogmarched her out of the supermarket with her screaming.
So many people were staring and I felt so embarrassed. Not at all my finest hour of parenting.

I just don’t understand as she’s super good at playschool and with her dad / grandparents.

We had a talk when we came home but still.