Feel like a rubbish mum (potentially triggering)

[clueless001]

I'm a long time lurker, struggling at the moment and would appreciate some help.

I have a DH and 2DC 5 and 3, work 4 days. I have always been an anxious person but my anxiety seems to be getting out of control. For context I was sexually assaulted at a very young age by husband of my childminder which is currently triggering some issues for me.

There is no afterschool care at my child's school. Currently grandparents are helping but are unable to carry this on much longer. I am looking for a childminder and I've asked around for recommendations but haven't received much of a response (never at school so don't know many parents). I am terrified of someone else I don't really know looking after my child and I'm terrified and anxious that something will happen to her. I don't know how to get past this. Reducing my hours is not an option due to financial reasons. DH does one pick up a week but can't do any more due to work.

My DD's teacher also mentioned to me that whilst she is doing well at school, she's quite needy in terms of attention. She gets lots of attention at home but now I'm worried she's needy because I'm not around enough and a childminder might make this worse? I just feel awful that I'm never around and I'm struggling to balance my children and work. There's a Mother's Day event at nursery I can't go to today due to work commitments.

I feel quite down and depressed about everything and just feel like I'm letting my children and DH down. Any advice or thoughts would be gratefully received.

for you. I am sorry for what happened to you. Have you spoken to anyone about it, a counsellor ? I think this may be helpful or if you have had counselling before it may be useful to have more now that you have reached a milestone in your life which has triggered your anxiety again.

In terms of childcare for your daughter, most parents feel anxiety about using childcare, especially at first. I am sure your anxiety is much higher, understandably, after what you have been through. Please remember though that there are many lovely childminders, who will take care of your daughter very well. There are so many procedures and checks in place to protect children. I think that once you arrange meetings with some of the childminders you may feel more comfortable.

The school may be able to provide you with a list of local childminders, you can also get them from your local council, I think, and you can also find them along with their offsets reports on the ofsted website.

Financially, would a nanny or an au pair be an option for you. The care would then be in your own home which you may be more comfortable with.

Good luck.

Sorry I also meant to say, you are not letting your children or husband down. I think most parents feel guilt as we can't always cover everything. You are obviously a lovely mum, just by your level of concern you have for your children. Don't be so hard on yourself. I think your children sound very lucky to have such a caring mum.

Thank you so much for your helpful response and kind words. It's so lovely on mumsnet that stranger will take time to reply to help someone. It's reminds me that there are good people with good intentions.

Everything you have said is right. In my head 'childminder' is the equivalent of 'abuser' which is obviously not true. I just need to keep reminding myself of that. I will look into the other options also.

I did have counselling in my 20's (a long time ago!!) but didn't find it overly helpful. I thought I had dealt with my issues. But having my own children has brought up issues I had not expected. My reaction to all of this has made me realise I may need to consider some sort of therapy. Adding working Mum guilt into the mix doesn't help, but I know the majority of mums must deal with some sort of juggling and I need to remember that.

I don't really talk about this with anyone (DH knows and my best friend but I don't want to talk about it really). It kind of feel good just to 'say' it out loud. Thanks again for your reply, it stopped me going off into a tailspin and is much appreciated.

I am glad I helped a little. There are definitely some lovely, genuine people out there. But I understand that you become more suspicious of people when you have had a bad experience.

I am glad that you will consider some more therapy. It may be more helpful this time and help you to find ways of managing your anxiety. It can be much easier to talk to someone outside of your life than it is to talk to a friend or partner.

I hope it all works out well for you and your family.