Help 3 year old and I need to speak to nursery in morning.

[GinnyBaker]

DS(3) is at a nursery attached to a primary school doing mornings.

He has been reluctant to go for some time now. He is a typical summer boy, he is bright but emotionally quite far behind some of the others in the class (reception and nursery are together so some are nearly 2 years older than him. He has struggled to learn how to fit in with others, I think.

After half term he really screamed not to go in the mornings. So 30+ mins of screaming a day. Nursery staff explained to me they often see this sort of regression after holidays, and he has been better this week.

He is PFB, and nursery clearly think I need to calm down, but his behaviour when I pick him up isn't good and isn't really like him- pulling to run off and not hold hands by the road etc etc. He is choosing at night books to read that he hasn't read for at least a year (big cardboard books for toddlers) which is a comfort thing, I'm sure, and I can just tell he isn't right.

This afternoon he asked for wrapping paper and started wrapping one of his toys up....I thought this was some sort of imaginative play thing and went with it. Then he said he could use it for a boy at nursery if it was his birthday(?) and then tonight DH asked him if anyone was mean to him at nursery and he said a boys name, and then said "but I'm going to give him a present so he'll like me". DH asked if that is who the wrapped present was for and he said yes"

I need to go in and speak to them about it in the morning, but whenever I have approached them, their attitude is always "oh I think its harder for mummy than DS himself" (one of the teachers who has him 1 day a week has actually said that to me twice")

I think it's a great idea to speak to nursery to let them know there is potentially an issue with another child. However you also need to work on your child's confidence at home and explain we don't give people presents for them to like us,if people are mean we tell an adult etc. This isn't a nursery issue it's an age issue, they can't properly project their feelings and can be quite hurtful so equipping your DS with ways to deal with this is your best option.

My DC are 23 and 19 now. DS was unhappy at nursery, dd in Ys 7 and 8 at secondary school. At the time we thouvht they shoukd toughen up and learn to deal with it.

On reflection both should have been removed immediately. Staff make excuses; children are unhappy because for them they are in a bad place. DS still remembers the boy kicking him against the climbing frame when nobody was looking. I remembed the bruises on his shins. At e he answered playing when I asked. He also started to get upset en-route.

To have a mixed reception and nursery class isn’t great for the youngest or eldest children. Mixed aged classes don’t work for this reason.

Nursery isn’t compulsory and won’t effect your eligibility for that school if you take ds out and place him in a more nurturing early years setting.

Do you live in an area where other nursery’s will have space? Perhaps view some ASAP?

At 3 happiness is the most important thing, you can teach him resilience later on.

Good luck.

Thank you so much for the replies!

I do know a lot of this is about him learning how to do friendships etc and that is taught at home also, but to be honest I'm pissed off that this has been ignored/missed at nursery and they have been telling me I'm overprotective when there obviously is an issue.

Raindrops and sparkles- to be honest I have been sitting here thinking about pulling him. He leaves at easter anyway as he is starting a different school in september and they want him to do a few days in their kindergarten in the summer term to get him used to full days first.

So part of me thinks, lets pull him, he can have the last two weeks of term off, but I just wonder if he'll feel its never resolved if I just pull him now? But on the other hand it is obviously distressing him to go in?? If he's making gifts in the afternoon to give the next morning he is obviously worrying about it when not there which seems so sad for a 3 year old

What needs resolving for a three year old? He is unhappy, he needs to feel safe and confident.

Oh no if you're moving him anyway let him have the 2 weeks off! I hope I didn't come across as though I thought you were over reacting all I meant was friendships are so tricky at that age anyway their worst enemy can be their best friend the next Day! My DD has different best friends every day & initially was upset going into nursery & I felt just a little bit lost with no real friendships. She loves it now but I really had to work on her confidence and tell her it was okay to stick up for herself etc. Absolutely let him have 2 stress free weeks if you have that option!

Thanks everyone.

User: I think what you are saying is what the nursery are trying to get across to me, that it is very changeable and they are all learning. And I do get that, I didn't think you were telling me i was overreacting.

Mixing: Really interesting about nursery and reception not being a good mix, I have wondered about that. There is a huge change in those 2 years.

Raindrops: "He is unhappy, he needs to feel safe and confident".
I think you've nailed it there, to be honest.

I have the slightly added complication in that the school do not yet know he is leaving at easter .....which is a bit tricky .They are probably going to think we are just flouncing off.....

To be fair we do have our reasons. His teacher asked us why we hadn't applied for a place for him next year and we told them he would be going to the private sector. Then at a birthday party a few weeks later a different TA at the school who has a child in DS's class (and hence was at the party) started asking me why we weren't staying in front of all the other parents in his class, when we hadn't even told DS yet he was going...

So we thought if we told them he was leaving at Easter that would go round the school staff and then other children again and we wanted to have control about when we told DS ourselves. So we were going to tell DS this weekend and give the school 2 weeks notice on monday.

Oh dear. I guess I just have to do the best for DS and if they think we are flouncing off, they think that.

I do think you should take him out if its only for two week. I'm not sure why you are worrying about the school not knowing he's leaving? Haven't you taken your son to look round his new school?

Cutes. We are worried about the school knowing in case they make an issue of it with him. At the party I got a lot of the TA's own 'philosophy' of education which seemed to consist of the line 'a child will do what they are going to do whichever school you send them to' repeated ad infinitum.

The head of his new school suggested we tell him 2 weeks before easter, and take him the next morning to have a look round and meet them, so 2 mondays before they break up, and then take him for a taster morning the following week, so the last monday before breaking up for easter. This seemed like a good plan to us as he doesn't really have any sense of things far away yet. He still asks most mornings if it is Christmas or his birthday today!

I don't know why the school would make an issue of it with a 3 year old! It sound like his new school is much more on the ball and I would take him out asap!

Go with Your instincts take him out and make him feel secure.

I took my youngest daughter out of somewhere where my oldest had been fine, the management changed & she is a very different child personality wise. Some settings suit some children some really don’t and as the parent you do know your child the best and at that age they need security. My youngest is also a very late Aug child (youngest in her class) who struggles daily with her emotional maturity compared to some of her friends 10-11mths older than her. Good luck at the new school.

I agree. Something isnt right there for him, whatever it is so I would take him out. Let them think youve flounced- who cares.

But also think you need to do some work with DS on confidence boosting ahead of next nursery so hes ready for it. As much as uou can at his age obviously!