I need help with my daughter and HV never calls back

[mamahanji]

I've called the health visitor number so many times and I've either never got through and no one has ever called me back, or the few times I have got through and spoke to someone about what's going on, they tell me they will get someone to call me as soon as possible to help. This has been going on for ages now. My mum is telling me to go to the gp but I feel it's a waste of their time as things are very mild.

I feel like I need someone to help me know how to help my daughter. She is incredibly anxious. She is 3.9 and has always been pretty advanced and emotionally mature, but she is very anxious. She has always been a cautious child and spent most of the time telling other kids to be careful and not run and not to climb. This isn't how we are at home. I encourage her to be adventurous and always have done. But lately she is incredibly anxious to the point of she will start crying and be very upset and it will turn out that she is worried that the house will fall down with us in it. Or someone bad will come in the house. Or the sea will come and drown us (We aren't near the coast. Or what if I die and leave her alone or she gets lost or all these endless scenarios that I just can't imagine a nearly 4 year old worrying about. I don't know how to help her. I spend so much time talking to her and explaining why things are ok and calming her down, but I don't think I'm helping.

Her preschool have no concerns and say she is cautious but doesn't show the anxiety she does at home.

She is also incredibly noise sensitive. Music is ok as long as it's quiet, tv must be quiet, doorbell is distressing, her one year old sister letting out a rare shout is too much. Roads are a nightmare. I get that emergency sirens are very loud but normal road noise is too much for her. The children at preschool all playing and singing is too much for her. I bought ear defenders for both my children for their first firework display last November, and she has started to ask to wear them for walking near the roads and to go to nursery or to go to town. Places she knows are going to be loud. I haven't let her wear them yet because Im not sure if it will make her sensitivity worse? But in my mind if she finds the noise of a road or an aeroplane humming on the background so bloody distressing she will breakdown and cry, should I just let her wear the ear defenders?

She also has massive sensory issues to meat. So if we are at my mums having a Sunday roast, she will gag and get very distressed from the smell of roast chicken. She will eat certain brands of chicken nuggets. I have told her they are chicken. But she refuses to believe they are the same thing as a roast chicken or a chicken drum stick. I have no issue with her not wanting to eat meat. I have a 1 year old that is allergic to wheat and eggs and a number of other things so I spend half my life in the kitchen, it doesn't matter to me to make her a vegetarian diet. She eats very well and has a good balanced diet. It's the strength of her reaction to the smell of meat and how distressed she will get to the point of being sick if we don't remove her from the smell quickly.

Sorry this is so long, but I've said everything to multiple HVs and nurses and they all agree that I or she needs some sort of help with either my parenting or her having some sort of specialist assessing her, but no one ever calls me back. I have called 7 times in 2 days. The last time I called I had a 30 minutes conversation with a lady who was very nice and said they would get a nursery nurse to come and visit us at home in the next few days and have a talk to my daughter and try and gauge where this anxiety comes from.

That was 4 weeks ago.

I feel like I'm failing her by not being able to help her or even know how to deal with her. She's a bloody good kid but I don't know what to do and they won't bloody call me back! They promise help and they don't follow through.

Christ sorry that was long. If anyone has any advice, it would be really helpful.

I’m by no means an expert but I agree with your mum, I think you and your daughter need help and that you should to go to the GP.

Let her wear the ear defenders, don’t give her food that makes her gag. Make things as easy abs you can for the both of you right now.

Go and see your GP., I hope things improve soon.

I usually hate jumping on the autism bandwagon on these threads but your dad sounds a lot like me as a child and I am autistic. I was very articulate and seemed very emotionally advanced and had all the same anxieties and was a terrible eater still am to some extent there are some textures I still won’t even entertain.
I think you do need to see the gp and get some assessments done and go from there.

I would see your GP, it does sound like an autism assessment might be useful.

For now definitely let her wear the ear defenders and donas much as possible to make things easier for her.

And to contrast with the last poster - I have a DD who was just like yours at 4. Couldn’t eat meat without tons of ketchup, couldn’t bear the noise of extractor fans in restaurants, terrified of fireworks etc etc. Highly sensitive and anxious about germs, death etc etc. Grew out of it all and is now happily at uni, goes to music festivals, loves fireworks, eats steak. Sending you sympathy as I know how much I worried about mine, but in the end she grew out of it all.

It sounds as if you need a referral to your local Child Development Team
GPs can be pretty awful at writing referrals so to avoid it being sent back and forth its a good idea to write your own.

Make a list of your concerns.
Bullet points are good.

Keep it clear and factual.

Say what you want i.e. your child to be seen by a pediatrician/SALT/OT
Say why i.e. you are worried about her anxiety, sensitivity etc
Say what you want from the referral short and long term ie. to rule out any issues/identify issues. To ensure she gets the correct intervention asap.

It might sound weird but that is what they will be looking for at panel. It increases your chances of being accepted.

Your GP can include your letter with their referral.

Good luck

Thank you everyone for replying.

I would never make her eat meat. She doesn't like her crusts but she must eat them. But meat is vomit inducing for her. I'm very happy with her diet as she is a brilliant fruit and veg eater and loves eggs and pulses so has a great diet.

It breaks my heart to see her so anxious at such a young age. I have anxiety issues which have improved massively over the last few years. A few times I have talked to my partner about her and he has always not dismissed it but been sure that it's just a quirk and nothing to worry about, but even he has mentioned it lately that her sound sensitivity and anxiety might be something more.

I used to work with children and teenagers with physical and emotional additional needs so it's something I've been around in quite extreme examples, which is why a part of me is saying 'this isn't normal reaction.' I just need someone to tell me how to help her, coping mechanisms for her, strategies, or even to just let her have the ear defenders. Or what I'm doing that is causing her to be so anxious.

Thank you everyone. I'm going to call the GP and get an appointment.

Thanks thefirstmrsdv

I will look that up now and make a list tonight.

Forget the health visitor, their involvement tails off by this age. See her GP. My dd has some of these noise sensitivities and mild sensory issues, though she’s sociable. Make her as comfortable as possible. Could it be Sensory Processing Disorder? I’ve not read it as dd’s symptoms are quite mild but I’ve heard the book ‘the Out of Sync Child’ recommended.

some areas have a specialist health visitor who deals with concerns like this. I would ask your doctor if he can refer you to the specialist HV

The more I sit here and think of things I feel a possibly a concern, the more guilty I feel that I'm picking at the way she is.

Like rice, she cannot stand rice, or mashed potato. Another thing that makes her sick. She can't have things on her hands. So her hands must be cleaned hundreds of times a day. She enjoys painting and playing outside, but will stop every few minutes to clean her hands. She also screams bloody murder if anyone or anything touches her ears.

She also has an imaginary friend. He isn't mean or scary or anything. They play very nicely and it's actually very sweet to hear her stories and what he is doing through her eyes. She has previously played imaginary with various characters. But this imaginary friend is unique and constant and has been for about 6 months.

She has a scarily good memory and her imagination is incredible.
I know imaginary friends are fairly normal for first born children with active imaginations though.

And it is most likely a normal thing for kids to do, but we must talk about what we are doing that day. First thing in the morning it is a step by step plan of what we are going to do today. She deals well with change and even if she isn't keen on it, she is very positive and will get on with it even if she is disappointed. But she must have her plan. She needs to know the step by step of what the plan for the day is and will repeat it throughout the day.

I feel like I'm just trying to find things now and being dramatic. I'm going to try and get an appointment on Friday.

Do you think it's best to go and speak to the doctors by myself first and then bring her in if he wants to see her? I dont want her to hear me talking about her and it upset her. She is very nervous about what people think of her and I would hate for her to feel I'm talking to the doctor because she is doing something wrong.

She sounds a lot like my DD1 who has sensory processing difficulties. We were able to self refer to Occupational Therapy rather than go through the GP. Check your local NHS website or phone the Paediatric OT dept for more info.

Sounds like she’s experiencing a lot of sensory overload and her imaginary friend is her safe place who understands her issues. DS has ASD and had an imaginary friend called Bonner! Bonner had a seat in the car, at the table etc.

If she doesn’t want to eat crusts don’t make her! It’s not like vits and mins are held in crusts! I’d maybe not encourage her quirks and anxieties IYKWIM but would certainly do everything I can to make her feel safe and secure. Baby wipes around where she’s painting etc and foods she likes until her anxieties subside a little. And as for nursery etc, some kids hold it in while away from home - internalising - and let it explode out when back in their home environment. DS did that for years - Tell her home is her safe place where nothing will happen to her and she can tell you all her worries and fears. Maybe she could write them down after they have been addressed and lock them away in a box. The important thing is that she feels when she confides a worry in you is that she feels you are listening and not dismissing them.

Good luck OP!

And my DS is 12 now, he still throws up hugs perceived injustices that occurred when he was 3! His memory is staggering. These memories can still make him tear up and sob and we apologise for things we don’t remember from 9 yrs ago! The HV probably wouldn’t be the correct toute, I’d be seeking an appt with the GP. I don’t think she would need to be there at this stage so you could talk freely.

See your GP

re. the HV - I don't think they are really involved with children of this age OP. Does she go to pre school? In my area the nursery teachers would be very involved in supporting a child this age.

I would go to the GP.

You also say you had anxiety, have you asked your dm whether you were very similar as a child?
A shame your HV isnt good. I do hope your GP is better and write bullet points - about what you have written here.

Are the nursery aware of her "quirks"
Do they have any advice?

Glad you will see GP. I’d go without her and talk freely.
Ear defenders- knowing she can escape the pain of noise will reduce anxiety.
A good OT with knowledge of sensory integration issues can work wonders!
She has someone on her side. Good luck!!

Sorry for multiple posts. Can you go to GP with your mum or your dh, and leave your dd outside with them if necessary?

Thank you so much for all the replies.
Yes I'm going to go with my mum and she will have the kids in the waiting room while I see the doctors.

I spoke to her preschool a few months ago. Her keyworker has zero worries and the senco there who is also the supervisor also has no worries. They said she is very cautious but very happy. When I described how she is at home, they said it is like a different child and she isn't like that there at all.

I wasn't an anxious child. But I did have a lot of issues and my parents saw a lot of specialists and therapists for me from a very young age. I didn't get a formal diagnosis until I was around 13/14 and then again at 18. It isn't ASD. I am an anxious adult though. I do feel I manage my anxiety though and not let it affect my day to day life.

It breaks my heart that at 3 years old she started asking me 'what if people think I'm weird'. 'What if they think I'm crazy'. Which I tried to comfort her and say how everyone is different and she has lots of friends that think she is lovely and she shouldn't worry about what other people think because it is ok to be weird.

I was a very very badly behaved child when I was in primary and junior school. But I was good as gold at school. And when I came home I remember letting out what felt like a massive ball of anger and tensions and sort of exploded because I held it all in and acted normal at school. I do feel sometimes she comes home and just breaks down and switches to a different child. The child they tell me she is as nursery, isn't the same child I have at home.

She is incredibly sweet and often seems to feel other people's pain. She will ask me about a mild injury I had years ago. Like I was making chocolate chip pancakes on pancake day 2 years ago. So she wasn't yet 2. And I small blob of chocolate fell on my finger and it blistered. And she still asks me if my finger is better and will kiss it and ask if it still hurts. And she will recite conversations I didn't even know she was old enough to remember or was paying attention to. Her memory really is amazing. I also had a really good memory when I was younger.

I feel guilty but I am definitely going to the gp. I've checked online and my local services all require a medical referral so gp is the starting place now. And if he dismisses me and says she is fine. I'm not really sure what I'll do. Go to parenting classes or something. I don't actively push her sensory buttons. I have a pretty laid back parenting approach, but I'm going to try and be more aware and accommodating of them. And if that means she wants to wear the headphones, she can wear the headphones.

best of luck, try again with a different GP, if you have more than one?
i think it is quite common for behaviour to be different at home from school, as it was with you.

You sound like a lovely thoughtful caring Mum OP and your daughter sounds really sweet - sounds like a burden for you both, I hope you get a little relief.

I think you have had some good advice here. I think @TheFirstMrsDV ‘s is excellent. Writing it all down should help.
And you can always ask here for help if you need some in order to do that.
I would try very very hard not to be fobbed off by the GP. Stand your ground. This has been going on for a long time now. And it doesn’t sound to me like you are just ‘picking’ at her personality.

Hopefully as the previous poster experienced your daughter will grow out of it. You sound like an excellent, caring and thoughtful mother.