I don't quite know how to put this, but i've been struggling with being a mother, please don't judge me, this is the first time i've spoken honestly about how I feel apart from to my mother, and she doesn't understand me at all, as she never held any of the same feelings as a mother.
I have been with my current 'partner' since I was 17, i'm now 32, and feeling trapped, the love is gone, we are basically only together because it's easier than seperating. The bills of combined wages are easier to manage, yet we still struggle since I was made refundant for 1 month in January, and although I got another job, the repercussions having lost a month's wages are still ongoing. I feel stretched, constantly worried and like every day is a struggle to make ends meet.
Since my child was born, 4 years ago, my partner and I have slept seperately, we haven't had any sort of physical relationship, and I am ashamed to admit I have in the last couple of months been messaging a guy in America of all places...and I wish I could be with him. But the logistics of it ever happening seem impossible. I feel a resentment to my son..I love him but it just feels like since he was born I cannot do anything, i'd like to work a full week to help with the finances, but I can't, I have to rely on family members in order to work at all. This puts strain on relationships all round. He is a lovely child but I just find myself having no patience with him, and when I look at him I think how life would be if I never had a child, how I could easily leave my partner, how I would be able to earn more...how I could be free, and instead I feel like him coming along has trapped me in a 14 year prison sentence...this sounds awful doesn't it. I have let my pride slide. I don't look after myself, like I used to. I am not house proud. I spend hours online talking to people as this seems to be te only time I am happy and I can forget my life. I want to move out, live on my own, but I do not feel like I deserve to take my child with me as I hold this resentment. It would just be using him...to help pay the bills. I don't want to leave him with his father because he is far too soft on him, we are struggling to even potty train him because he is too lazy to deal with accidents and sneaks a nappy onto him when he looks after him even though I insist that if he isn't potty trained by september we are going to have issues with school. I can't seem to make this situation work, I don't want to stay in it. Here, living with my OH - the relationship is dead. Yet I cannot just up sticks and leave, as much as i'd like to. I feel trapped, like there is no escape or solution to all this so I sway between thinking i'll sacrifice my own happiness and just stay for the sake of the child. Then I have feelings of just wanting to elope away, and deal with the judgement from others it would bring. My mother thinks i'm a monster, selfish and cannot understand how I can think these thoughts or resentment to my son, and I agree. I must be an awful person.