I can't fix this, can I?

[Mybabystolemysanity]

DD is 14 months. She doesn't seem to want me. Every time I pick her up she finds a way to hurt me or make me put her down. She doesn't want cuddles, or to play or interact with me. She's not interested in toys and only wants to pull things off shelves, play with things in bedside cabinets and bathroom cupboards, destroy the few possessions I have or watch TV. Nothing I do can divert her.

She refuses to eat any of the food I try to give her but eats beautifully for her Dad. I can't read to her because she's not interested in sitting with me. She hates activities like swimming and we haven't any other children in the family (I don't see any adults except for the checkout lady in the supermarket) and we have no accessible mother and baby groups because getting out the house for 9am is impossible.

I hate being at home with her because it's completely miserable from 8am when DH leaves to 6pm when he comes back and now she's dropped her naps, there's no respite during the day at all.

Have I failed to bond with her? I had PND which went unacknowledged until she was 10 months old. I love her more than anyone in the world but am finding no joy in motherhood at all. Will it ever get better? I've tried everything I can think of and nothing works.

I'm 20-odd weeks pregnant with a baby boy I've already rejected because I frequently feel like I don't want him. I'm driving my husband away because I'm completely unable to talk to him (my fault not his) and jealous that he finds everything so easy and thinks I'm stupid for struggling with something 'easy' like a baby (as opposed to going to work and being responsible for adults and 'stuff'. He's also not supporting me financially to be able to go out doing things or providing things for DD (he likes to do things like buying her clothes himself. If I need money I have to ask now, and I'm humiliated.) I don't think I can get another job now. I'm not really qualified to do anything.

I'm failing DD and terrified that what's wrong can't be repaired for either of us. I've gone out tonight as soon as DH got home because I can't be upset in front of him and in doing so I've rejected them both.

Is there any way to turn this around or do I need to have the next baby then find a way to leave them all so I'm not ruining their lives?

First, breathe. It's extremely unlikely that you've ruined your baby's life.

Here's something Bunmi Laditan, author of "The Honest Toddler", had to say for mothers who feel like they have trouble bonding with their babies:

“Keep showing up. Keep rocking them to sleep searching their little faces for what you need. Keep wiping down that high chair and kissing their pillow soft cheeks,” she wrote. “Every time you do you, the angels throw a handful of sand into the canyon between you. One day it will be full and you’ll walk across it to find you were always there somehow.”

You sound like you're still depressed, my love. Go and speak to your gp x

You need to go and speak to your health visitor and ask for a referral to an attachment based intervention for you and your dd. You also need to work on the PND - are you on anti depressants?
Your husband is being controlling by not allowing you access to the family finances - what is the reason he gives for this?

Toddlers try to get at stuff they shouldn't have and destroy things. That's just what they do.

I hate being at home with her because it's completely miserable from 8am when DH leaves to 6pm when he comes back

I love her more than anyone in the world but am finding no joy in motherhood at all.

I'm 20-odd weeks pregnant with a baby boy I've already rejected because I frequently feel like I don't want him. I'm driving my husband away because I'm completely unable to talk to him (my fault not his) and jealous that he finds everything so easy and thinks I'm stupid for struggling with something 'easy' like a baby (as opposed to going to work and being responsible for adults and 'stuff'.

I don't think I can get another job now. I'm not really qualified to do anything.

I'm failing DD and terrified that what's wrong can't be repaired for either of us.

Is there any way to turn this around or do I need to have the next baby then find a way to leave them all so I'm not ruining their lives?

I am not a psychiatrist, but this sounds like your depression might be coming back.

Or if it's DH saying that dealing with a baby is 'easy' compared to a job- ha ha haaaa! He has NO clue, does he? Parenting a baby is NOT easy. Anyone who thinks it is has NO idea what they are talking about.

I would agree with pp that you are possibly still depressed and it is putting a dark cloud over everything for you.

I have a 13 month old DD, and I'm 36 weeks pregnant with Ds. Being pregnant again 100% affected my mood and I was sooooooo down for months. Don't under estimate the havoc hormones can play on you, especially having already recognised that you have had pnd.

You can 100% turn it around, but it's your feelings that need to be changed with the help of gp. Your daughter loves you, your her mother, you are there all day everyday for her. It fucking hard work, especially being pregnant aswell.

Please seek some support, and if you just need a friend to chat to then feel free to message me, 2 under 2 with a similar age Gap is going to be a rollercoaster and you need a good network, even if online, to share the burden!

You got this.

Thanks all. Still sat in car. Am too ashamed of myself to go home.

Can you tell me anything else about attachment based intervention Adalind? I discussed the problem with the new health visitor last week. She's quite young /new and didn't seem to think there was much of an issue... Yet. Coming back in June to check on DD's language development (not making much effort to try speaking but very vocal, so no concerns about deafness.) I miss the health visitor we had last year. I wouldn't have survived it without her. This sounds like exactly what we need. Not currently on AD's as couldn't quite bring myself to write down my life history for the consultant psychiatrist. It was two weeks after my Dad died in December and I couldn't go into it without regular support. Had first appointment with a psychologist after a six month wait this morning. Felt massively relieved afterwards but maybe it's triggered something. Have been suppressing a lot of emotional distress for many years. He is going to refer back to GP for a prescription.

DH feels he needs to be in control of access to finances to make sure all the bills are covered. We're comfortable but not massively well off, so things are reasonably tight. The lack of trust makes me so angry though, as does the lack of recognition that I've told him repeatedly that I feel humiliated. He's not listening. But then, he's so intimidated by how miserable and angry I am that I'm no longer worth bothering with except for childcare, cleaning and light household administration.

I didn't enjoy 7months- about 16 months so it may just be a phase.

Have you tried sensory things like homemade playdough, or a bath with bath crayons and lots of bubbles.

I really feel like finding a group you enjoy (I hated swimming) would be good. Or even just going to a rhyme and song meet at the local library. Do you live rurally? That can be harder as cities always seem to have lots of things.

Would your husband let your DD go to a childminder for a day or two mornings? It would help you to have some child free time.

A 14 month old is not being deliberately distant, aggressive or unloving. They act and react to whatever is happening in the moment. It does sound as if you are taking this very personally and are not able to rationalise her behaviour perhaps due to your depression. It may take time to establish a relationship, but lots of gentle activities together, talking calmly, reading to her, modelling the behaviour you want from her. It would also be worth talking to your mw and/or hv about how you feel detached from your unborn ds. Even if you can't get out for 9am there will be other groups you could join.

I think nursery would be good for her. We looked into it, but it was going to be expensive. I should probably try to cut some more corners and finance it myself, but I'm concerned about making a financial commitment to something then not being able to keep it up and having to take her away from it again. I would have to put her in nursery if I could just summon up the enthusiasm to be a decent parent.

I know she's not deliberately like this and I know it's unreasonable and irrational for me to be so upset with it. It's not her I'm sick of, it's me and actually it was a shite idea to think parenting was the one thing I'd be able to do to feel less like a failure. Stupid and selfish. I want so badly to make a good job of looking after them both but can't summon up the enthusiasm to do more than basic feeding/washing/ keeping her alive. There are hours and hours in the day to fill and very little genuinely enjoyable interaction with her, so I look for anything else I can do not to be present for by her. Would they be better off without me? I don't think DH would mind all that much if I just went away and left them with him.

Speak to hv , they may have access to FEET funding for a nursery place which starts at 2 . If you have mh issues they may also be able to offer some support in the interim or refer you to Homestart et al. Please don't think it has to be this way or that they would do better without you. What did you enjoy before getting pg, is there a gym with a creche you could get to for example.

If you can tire her out I'm sure she will nap again

I wonder if you come across as too needy? Have you tried being silly and having fun?

I've genuinely got no idea now if I have properly got mental health issues or if I am just tired and struggling and shameless about admitting it (nobody to really compare myself to) out of misplaced worry about failing DD. I'm so exhausted because I can't sleep - getting up at every whimper, needing the loo, can't get comfortable in bed, grieving, selling a house and trying to buy another which will be a money pit- that I don't know what's right or normal any more. I think I'm getting by on about 4 hours a night in 45 minute chunks. Most of the time I'm fine and then there's days like today where it all just gets a bit much.

I shouldn't be like this. I used to have a job and be clever and independent and funny and reasonably attractive and nice to be around. I can't bear the thought that I need so much help just to be a half decent parent. What went wrong with me? Pride and shame mean I can't face the thought of home start. I always thought that was for other people and now I'm one of them. Which makes me a snob. I hate myself, I really do.

I have worked in an area supporting a variety of parents so whilst I am not an expert, the way you are talking definitely sounds like pnd/antenatal depression. Please see your gp about it as help is out there and it doesn't have to feel like this.

You have not failed your daughter and she wouldn't be better off without you but you do sound like you need some support and there is nothing wrong with that.

Re. Homestart, people use it for all kinds of reasons and I definitely would if I had a good reason (I used to volunteer for them and there is nothing to look down on about using the service)

Parenting is hard and I found DS really difficult to deal with at home at that age (and still in fact) , groups make a huge difference so if you can find some later in the morning or get everything ready the night before to get you going then it really is worth it.

Children pick up on how you are feeling so your daughter will likely be more of a handful for you if you are stressed than she is with your partner if he is coming into the interactions fresh and excited to see her. But it is definitely possible to turn things around, start by seeking some support for your mood, you have to look after yourself first!

Love, everyone needs support to be a half decent parent. Parenting is exhausting, and doing it while pregnant is bloody amazing!

You do sound depressed, I hope the psychologist helps.

You sound like a lovely loving mum. It can get so much better. Toddlers are hard work.

I'm looking forward to the day she says Mummy properly for the first time and to watching her organise her little brother. I need to fight my way out of this funk and just be present and available. You're all incredibly kind (and hard as nails to he surviving having babies!)

Please pursue some outside help; it sounds so like depression. I had pnd horribly (massively helped by brilliant gp, mental health tem, psychotherapist et al) and, while I loved my dd utterly, had a distance that felt unbridgeable. I tried the fake-it-til-you-make-it approach: I acted like it didn't affect me when she was distant, or unbearable, or tricky and kept offering love and support and our relationship has improved a 1000fold. I must stress tho, I was feeling much better before I was able to try this. Look for help for yourself; she will be fine and you will be able to fix your relationship when you are better- your love for her comes through in what you write and you and she and new d's will have a very, very long time to be ok in. DH, on the other hand, needs a word to support, not undermine you....

www.familyfocused.co.uk/pcg.html
www.videointeractionguidance.net/aboutvig
www.infantmentalhealth.com/index.html
www.mellowparenting.org

These are some examples of attachment based programmes. Ideally there would be something available funded which you could be referred to.
You really do sound depressed. Please go and ask for some help. You shouldn't need to tell your whole life story to get anti depressants!

I feel for you OP - my DS is the same age and it is hard work.

I was surprised when you wrote she doesn't nap as DS has an hour in the morning and hour in the afternoon. I think trying to go to groups or activities needs to be a priority - for your sake and her's. Does she get overtired in the evenings?

I think you are very brave to post how you are feelings and getting outside help. Look after yourself.

Oh and my son adores DH as DH stands for fun, whereas mummy is the boring one! I'm sure the tables will turn at some point..m

You seem to have things quite confused and you may find it easier to manage your feelings if you organise them.

1. Current baby. You set the tone of your relationship not the baby. It is not an evil genius and does not think like an adult. You at find an app like wonder weeks useful in understanding how your baby thinks.

1. Your husband: you need to assert yourself with him and tell him how you feel and what you need. Demand (calmly) that he take you seriously. Unfortunately it seems that his behaviour at the moment is arrogant and unsupportive, undermining you. Be clear with him about what he is doing to you. Do not be bullied by him.

1. New house. Why are you buying it? It sounds like a really bad time to be taking on something like that on top of two children under 2. I would urgently advise you to pull the plug on it. If it is something you encouraged, ask yourself why you have taken this extra stress on? It’s importnat to know your limits and be realistic about what you can accomplish with a baby.

1. New baby. I’m intrigued as to why you got pregnant so quickly given how you feel about your first. If it was an accident, you need to get an IUD so it doesn’t happen again. If it was planned, try to remember th positive feelings that led to you deciding to try.

I think there is a real danger of you demonising your daughter and trying to do eveyrrthing perfectly with your next child, and ending up being very damaging to your daughter by loving you new child more. That is pure poison, and you must be really self aware about that to avoid it. Your baby is responding to you, so you need to show it love and it will come round eventually. Don discard your daughter in favour of the our next Just because you can start over with him.

Thanks everyone. Rough morning.

I'll have a look through the links, Adalind.

We need to move because our current house isn't really big enough as it is. Every room does double duty and it's miles from anywhere in a neighbourhood where everyone and everything is perfectly groomed, well maintained and there's a new car in every driveway. It's got me down since the day I got here and now I want to get away. The place we want to go to is ten minutes walk from DH's work so he can be at home more and get back at lunchtimes and two minutes from excellent primary and secondary schools. It's also very private but right in the centre of a county town with a much better mother and baby scene than where we are now. Would mean I'd stand a chance of meeting some other mums, hopefully.

New baby was intended, but I got pregnant very, very quickly. Neither of us are getting any younger and I wanted to do the baby stage and nappies etc in a compressed way to get it over with. I hope I'll feel better when I'm too busy to worry so much. It's just unfortunate that I am doing too good a job of fake it till I make it and not really getting any support. My fault, nobody else's.

I'm all too aware of the effect demonising my daughter will have on her. I don't think my own mum liked me much (I was very like my own DD, apparently) and it has affected our relationship well into adulthood, with a close born sibling who was very demanding (now dead, sadly).

DD is very much loved. I care for her and am trying to nurture her as best I can and mostly I think I do ok. I'm seeking as much help as I can get to manage the personal difficulties I have. There's just not a lot of light at the end of the tunnel yesterday and today. Probably by Friday, thing will seem wildly different and the inconsistency is the single biggest issue I have to overcome.

Just wanted to say that 5 years ago I could have written your posts (save I wasn’t pregnant with the second). It does get better, I promise. As others have said it sounds like you could do with some support, and also try to be kind to yourself. I find it helpful to just see things in terms of the day ahead - achieving one small thing like getting out of the house. 5 years later and 2 kids now, things look a lot better. The baby grows out of that awful phase and neither of you will remember it in the excruciating detail you are berating yourself about now (understandable of course). Anyway, hope that helps in some small way.

Thanks LaPampa, it does help.

I need to remember it's not forever. The only thing that is is being her Mum. Feeling slightly better this evening.

@mybaby... I think it gets exponentially better when they start talking. My relationship with my first took off massively when she started talking and we are enormously close now. My second was totally different from day one even though I had blue patches. Xx