Regrets

[emkana]

Hi all,
stupidly, I feel sad about something today - and that is the fact that I would do so many things differently if I had to live through the first three years of dd1's life again. I feel that I've learnt so much, changed my opinion so much about many, many things - and I wish I could do it all again with my newly enlightened parenting skills . Examples are... not playing with her enough when she was a baby/young toddler, as I just didn't know how to, spent a lot of time watching daytime tv while she played with her toys, and I feel terrible about that now ...letting her eat too much rubbish when she turned one, as I was so excited about her growing up and just wanted to give her all these different things...letting her watch too much TV, especially during my pregnancy with dd2 and in the early months with dd2... I could go on, but I won't. Dd1 is a very happy, sociable, clever girl, perfect to me, obviously... but I feel that I have failed her in a way - whereas dd2 gets the better deal, in a way.
Does anybody feel the same?

I feel a bit the other way, I gave all my tiem and effort to ds 10 yrs ago, I was younger, had no hubby to care for, now I have a dd 21 mths and feel my time with her has not been as productive and interactive as the care and attention I gave ds...
Guilt huh, part of mothering big TIME!

I regret putting DS onto mixed feeding at 12 weeks - which I'd managed to get the hang of expressing better as I have with DD. Also regret that he had to go to nursery at 15 weeks, whereas DD will be 23 weeks because of change in maternity rights since I had DS. But OTOH DD will benefit from extra one-to-one time that she otherwise wouldn't have because of DS being there while DS is at nursery and I'm still on mat. leave.

I regret letting the hospital give ds a bottle as they said he was a big baby. I also regret starting solids at 4 months with him. He got excema all be it mild.
With DD I refused the mvs insistence she have formula as they said she was hungry despite the stupid mws being annoyed with me. I also waited till 6 months for the solids and she's had no excema and no breathing probs like ds did.

Hercules - don't beat yourself up. I bf my ds and he got eczema.

I did carry on the bf with ds but against the advice of the crappy health professionals. Just wish I was prearmed in the hospital.

I regret giving up trying to bf dd after 5 weeks. Hope to do better with my next baby but will always regret dd only had my milk in a bottle, not straight from my boob. And that she only had it for such a short time.

Hercules, I'm going to be far more assertive (well, will try) at hospital this time as I too feel certain health professionals cocked up my chances of feeding. It's so hard when you are in that weird environment and totally knackered/dazed after giving birth isn't it?

emakana, you read my mind. I have felt like that for ages, there are so many things I wish I had done different, wish I had enjoyed it more. It would be wonderful to turn back time just to play with them when they were babies again - I love ds twins now at 2 1/2 but loved their little faces and expressions when the lay on the floor, cosy on their duvet, learning about the world!

If I ever have another bub then I am going to sod everyone else and really enjoy every last minute!

I regret not trying harder with breastfeeding dd2. With dd1 I managed for 10 weeks then had to go back to work. This time around I had big plans in how I would feed dd2 for longer as I don't need to go back to work until the end of the year but with dd2 I found it so much harder, painful and she wanted fed every hour on the hour at times we were both a mess so she went onto mixed feeding very quickly and I stopped feeding her at 5 weeks. She's now 10 weeks old and there are times when I feel so guilty for having given in so quickly.
But she is happy and thriving on bottles and our routine is brilliant and I've not found bottles to be a problem I actually find it very convenient for us all as dh can feed dd2 and I can spend some much needed time with dd1 so I try not to feel guilty about it.

I'm not a mum yet (Sept), so my comments probably should be taken with the preverbial bucket of salt...

Maybe there's things you didn't feel you did 'properly' with dd1, but she's still very young (3?) and you have tons of time left with her before she goes to school. The fact that you feel so bad, I have to say, makes me go awwww! What a lucky girl that her mum is desperate to give her the best .

Anyway, don't all toddlers go through that junk food stage? What's it called, 'the age of beige' or something?!

What do I know, gawd, she's so lucky to have you. Is it rude of me to say that a bit of junk food and telly wasn't the end of the world?

yes I am doing exactly the same feel guilty as well but I know its not the worst ,lots of love is obv. the most important thing! dont worry (and ill try not to too!)

Highlander -
thank you so much for your post, you've made me feel a lot better!

emkana - try not to dwell on things you would like to have done in the past when you have loads of time for the future. I am feeling the same way as you but unfortunately childhood is almost gone for my kids - eldest is 17 years, youngest is 10. Just go out and enjot them as much as you can now and remember, you can't always be bothered every day. That's normal

Me too, mears

However I do feel that kids benefit from a certain amount of benign neglect - it makes them more self-sufficient and aware that the world doesn't revolve around them. From your description of DD1, emkana, you have done a brilliant job so far.

My kids are 11-22, reasonably happy well-balanced people, and I doubt if they remember a single thing from their earliest years. I understand how you feel, and have felt it myself, but honestly she is and will be fine.

Thanks again, everybody, for your posts - I feel a lot happier today, telling myself that dd1 has certainly received lots and lots of love every day of her young life, and that's what counts, isn't it? As somebody said - guilt is such an integral part of motherhood, and one of the, if not the most, painful aspect of parenting!

I don't know if this helps, but someone once told me that hindsight is always 20/20 vision. It's very easy to judge something you did in the past with the vantage point you have now.

At the time, with the information you had at the time, with the experience you had at the time you made the best possible decision for you. There's no point in clinging on to regrets.

And some crappy song once said "tomorrow is another day"

It's easy to look back and see what you might have done differently but you forget (well, I do) to factor in how bloody exhausted and bored you were. Playing with a baby/toddler is lovely in small doses but is otherwise very yawn inducing.

I'm sure everyone feels they've failed their child in some way but it's all part of teaching kids that people aren't perfect (that's my excuse)

I might be late adding my voice here. I regret missing out on my dd early years, by putting her straight into nursery at 6 months old, missing out on her 1st words, her first walk, her first song, her 1st drawing, her first potty triumph, but I've got her and no-one else can take her away from me and that is for life. . So, she starts school in September aged only 4, she will be one of the youngest starting in reception class and I have given up work, so that i can drop her off and collect her again, I want her to tell me what she has done during her day, I want the excitement of how many friends she has made, or which boyfriend she likes most, I have carried the guilt of returning to work for the money over staying at home with my daughter, who I missed out on so much, I will never make that mistake again. I've got myself a little part-time job, so I won't be climbing the walls.