How do I deal with this situation?

[Picklesandpies]

Reposting here from Preteen as I don't think that sees much traffic.

Hi,

My daughter who is ten met a girl, also ten (I'll call her Hannah) at a club she is part of last week (she has just moved up to the next age section so this was the first time they had met.) They were going to be an activity the following week where they could present something in pairs so they swapped numbers and arranged to practise at the girls house yesterday. I had only briefly seen Hannah but my husband very briefly met her and her mother when he picked my daughter up from the club and he said the mother had said she would 'leave it for the girls to arrange.' My daughter has only recently had a mobile phone so quite a few messages were exchanged between her and Hannah.

So fast forward to yesterday when I dropped my daughter off at their house - the daughter was on the road waiting for us wearing a little crop top, low cut leggings and no shoes - giving my husband a surly look as he pulled up on the pavement. She was really unkempt and looked dirty (I am fully expecting to get flamed for this but I'm trying to give an accurate picture.) The mother seemed a bit vacant and generally a bit odd. Bearing in mind we had never met I was surprised by the lack of engagement. Leaving my daughter there felt completely wrong and I just had a really bad feeling about it. Call it what you will - mothers instinct perhaps.

Two hours later I went to pick my daughter up - with my husband and younger daughter waiting in the car outside. The Mum ushered me into the hall, my daughter was nowhere to be seen and Hannah was on the stairs video chatting to her friend. The mother then said we should watch the girls' performance and insists I get my husband and daughter from the car. It was odd because it wasn't that the mother was welcoming - she was just insistent that we watch. My daughter appeared then and clearly didn't want to 'perform' but obviously felt she had to. We all went into the sitting room where the husband is - he was sitting on the sofa on the laptop and he didn't even look up until I said hello. He didn't speak at all other than 'hello'. He just gave me the complete chills - he looked very odd (as my husband said - 'not fit to have children') - completely vacant and very creepy. When I looked at him watching the girls perform he looked as though he was enjoying it for the wrong reasons. I cannot explain well enough on here but I hope you know what I mean. Pervy - it just made me so uncomfortable. My daughter got hot performing and took off her jumper and every part of me wanted to ask her to put it back on. We thanked them for having her and went home. I don't have this feeling with other Dad's of my daughter's friends by the way.

When we got home my daughter was very upset and was tearful - lashing out (not physically) at us and struggling to express what she was feeling. After sometime she was able to tell us that she had felt uncomfortable there and that Hannah's parents had made them perform for them about eight times, constantly criticising my daughter and asking them to do it again. My daughter said she was exhausted and that she wasn't sure she wanted to do it anymore at the next session as she felt she wasn't good enough. It also transpired that Hannah was on Instagram, Snapchat, had a YouTube channel, Twitter - you name it, she was on it. We do not have those things for our daughter (and she wouldn't want them now anyway) but I was shocked at how exposed Hannah was by using them. The mother has the 'We're very relaxed here' attitude that really means 'I have little or no idea what my daughter is doing in her bedroom.' My daughter said in the end that she felt she had to say something good about her visit there to me as it's the first time she had been there.

Bottom line is I don't ever want her to go there again. I feel awful for letting her visit them when I'd never met the parents or daughter before. She will obviously be at the club they both attend and is likely to be at secondary school too but I do not feel comfortable with her going to their house again. How do I navigate this if there's another invitation? I'm hoping my daughter won't want to go anyway as she is very different to Hannah (our daughter is very young in the year, not very mature for her age - Hannah is already hitting puberty and has a completely different lifestyle and attitude.) I feel really sick about it all - I'll never know how much the Dad got out of watching my daughter. I know I've got nothing to base it on other than what I saw and my gut feeling but I know how it made my husband and I feel.

I do accept people bring their children up differently - my daughter has lots of different friends, not all 100% my cup of tea but that's fine - this was different though. If anyone has any constructive advice I'd be so grateful. Thanks.

. I don't have anything to say really, other than that sounds like a horrible experience for you all; and you are reacting in a way that I know I would. A discussion between you and your DH/DP to ensure that you are on the same page going forwards might be useful - when to say 'yes' to invitations, when to say 'no'. Lots of hugs for your daughter. Perhaps actually go into the club to see what they are doing with that age group and how it all works? Perhaps a couple of weeks out of the club so that any interest from the other girl passes on? Secondary school is very different - lots of people to choose from so I'm not thinking that there would be a particular issue there. Reassurance for your daughter. Perhaps have a look at the NSPCC website which has some good advice on how to talk to children about situations that make them uncomfortable. Good luck.

Thank you for your helpful reply. The club is actually Scouts - I was trying not to out myself but quite frankly it might not be the worst thing to happen as it would certainly remove the possibility of a future invitation. My daughter was at Cubs before, very happily. It's been a really positive thing for her. So I know it's a well run club - I guess you just can't choose who they will socialise with there. My husband and I are luckily on the same page with this but think we do need to draw up some ground rules so we don't end up in this situation again.

I will look at NSPCC in the meantime, that's a good idea, thank you. I did look online and there's a lot of advice for if you don't like your daughter's friends but not much about it it's to do with the parents. Hopefully like you say, it will pass and there won't be any awkward situations.

Really appreciate your reply.

My kids were always told to fake a migraine or headache if they wanted to leave someone's house. I'd remind them of it before dropping them off if there was the tiniest doubt that they might want to leave early.

If an invitation comes again just say you’re not free. They’ll get the message eventually.

Good tip dcd.

Kimmy - my worry is, what if my daughter wants to go there again for some reason? It's hard to explain but even though she was upset about their behaviour I can't guarantee she wouldn't want to go again if she was invited. Their daughter represents a lot of 'cool' stuff that our daughter thinks would make her happy, even though I think deep down she knows that she isn't ready to handle some of those things. I suppose I will just have to make excuses until they get the message, like you say.

What a horrible situation for you.

I think the suggestion of a 'fake' migraine is a good one for future situations even when your daughter is much older.

I am slightly concerned about the other girl 'Hannah' but I know this was not your post 😔

In answer to your questions perhaps if it comes up again talk through with her why you are not happy for her to go. In a year or so she will be at Secondary so may hear/see much worse from older kids.

I would just remind DD that she didn't enjoy the last visit and say that you don't feel comfortable sending her somewhere she's not happy if she does ask again OP. I would be reacting the same way too if that helps at all

Teach your daughter the x rule. She sends you a code word or phrase "x". You know you need to phone her and tell her she "has to come home now" or "your coming to pick her up" because of made up reason.

Don't try to break up the friendship. Your daughter will eventually learn who she want to and doesn't want to hang around with. But judging by your OP I think you are very good with that as she has a lot of friends from different backgrounds.

I would try to keep contact outside of the club and outside of school to a minimal and always try to take it on your side. For example YOU take them for a meal or they both visit your house instead of hers. However if your daughter does want to see Hannah at Hannah's house then don't try to stop that. But DO give a safe word. Or emoji. Or some sort of catch phrase that your daughter can text you if she needs to leave. I think the best one would simply be the world 'mum' at the end of an otherwise normal text. It's what a few of my cousins use (thankfully haven't needed in a very serious situation). If someone gets hold of the phone or sees the message they will not have a clue that it's a call for help. E.g if she texts you 'love you' you know that she loves you. But if she says 'love you, mum' you know that you need to call her and she 'has to come home' for X reason.

Thank you so much for all your helpful advice and suggestions. It was nice to read some practical tips and I'll definitely be using some of them. Sorry it's taken me a while to acknowledge the replies - things have been a bit hectic. x