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Original poster

The dreaded mil

21 replies

DidSomeoneSayCoffee · 04/03/2018 21:58

I need some advice about a MIL

I met my partner 9 years ago and we have a 7 year old daughter together..We started out rocky due to interference from an ex wife and an interfering MIL. She started off nice, then turned on me after my partner and I hit some rocky times.

Every time he saw her she added more fuel to the fire, like she did not think the child was his and sent him to a physic friend of hers to tell him that, or I only started dating him to financially support my other children (they had their own dad who supported them), or she is crazy (I kinda did lose my mind at some point due to pre-natal depression which I had to be medicated for, she also told him there was no such thing as pre-natal depression and i was making it up, ok Dr MIL). So anxiety would set in every time he saw her, wondering what new stuff she would come up with to put into his mind.

His son would come back from staying with her telling me he hated me (he was 4) and that no one liked me and tell us things that were said in front of him.

When our daughter was born, there was nothing, she never came to see her and has never seen her for 7 years, no birthdays, no Christmas, no nothing, she also disowned my partner for staying with me, he too had not spoken to her for 7 years. When she was born I offered for her to come visit her and I would feed her and go to the shops while it happened..the offer was never accepted.

Until now... She started contacting him wanting them to have a relationship again, which has given me anxiety again, my 7 year old has started asking why my partners family only like her brother, at 12 and for years now he has told her all the stuff he gets from his family and the family outings and holidays he spends with them, so curiosity is setting in.

I told my partner that's fine if he wants a relationship with her, but i am iffy about letting my daughter..

All I asked for was show some respect for being the mother of his daughter, if she wants a relationship with her, she has to at least make an effort with me, she does not have to like me and everything that has been said and done to me, I don't really care for her much either, but it is about our daughter.

Am I overreacting? If he chose to stay with me, is it not right to demand a little respect before she wants to see our daughter who does not even know what this woman looks like..

OP posts:

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 05/03/2018 02:11

Oh she sounds awful OP. I would do the same as you- you've already tried but she has well and truly burned that bridge.

She sounds poisonous and wouldn't be let near my children. Your daughter is better off with one less Xmas present per year than some harridan who tries to poison her against her own mother.

I'd be very firm with DP

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 05/03/2018 02:22

Hang on. She sees your SS regularly, but she doesn’t see your DD and she doesn’t see her own son? Why do the pair of you allow your SS to see her? You can’t imagine it will do him any good to have a relationship with a woman who disowns her own son?

NoMudNoLotus · 05/03/2018 02:36

OP your story spooked me out it is virtually identical to my own

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

7 year olds Families General parenting

NoMudNoLotus · 05/03/2018 02:41

Im still quite spooked about the similarities but in a nutshell , we went no contact with MIL ... my DH , my children - its too toxic a situation for my DC for anything else and we are much happier . R

Original poster

DidSomeoneSayCoffee · 05/03/2018 02:46

Iwasjustabouttosaythat she sees my ss because he lives with his mother and my partner has no say in what his ex-wife does while he is with him . She spent a christmas with his ex in laws one year and we only knew because ss popped it out. My partner was livid that she could disown him and still hang out with the ex wife and her family but denies me and our daughter because she doesn't like me. It kind of annoys me now because when all this happened there was so much anger from my partner, listening to him say stuff about this woman stopped me ever wanting a relationship with her and now she has reached out there is all love light and forgiveness for a woman who tried her very best to get rid of me. I dont forget or forgive easily

OP posts:

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 05/03/2018 03:11

She sounds truly horrible but if she’s willing to make the effort then you should too. It would be great for your partner, but also for the rest of the family. And for you too. Imagine how much easier things would be if you got along?

Have a trial meet up, you, DP and DD and if she treats you poorly then call it a day. She would be aware of what she’s about to lose and that should make her stop. If she won’t stop now then I guess she never will.

Hannabee123 · 05/03/2018 03:35

Read my thread and get out while you can

Original poster

DidSomeoneSayCoffee · 05/03/2018 03:38

I think you misunderstood. He has been in contact with his mother for over 6 months. She wants nothing to do with me, there is no talking to me whatsoever, i didnt even find out for a few months as he went behind my back knowing i would be so angry about it. So if she will not even reach out to me and she could if she wanted to, she has my number and email she could. I am.worried he will take her to meet her without asking me, because whenever i bring it up he says im over reacting qnd its what is best for our daughter...mmhmm yes how will she benefit ouelr daughter again when she has told people how she feels about me and she poisoned my ss against me. What is stopping her doing it with my daughter.

OP posts:

Original poster

DidSomeoneSayCoffee · 05/03/2018 03:39

Sorry stupid phone keyboard. I can spell

OP posts:

kimball · 05/03/2018 04:01

She sounds really horrible. I don't think I can allow someone access to my child, who has actively displayed their dislike and disrespect for me to this extent.

What does your partner think?

kimball · 05/03/2018 04:02

She sounds really horrible. I don't think I can allow someone access to my child, who has actively displayed their dislike and disrespect for me to this extent.

What does your partner think?

Original poster

DidSomeoneSayCoffee · 05/03/2018 04:11

We had a discussion the other day and i have told him it makes me anxious and i know he is thinking of our daughter, but don't think he really cares how i feel about it. He just wants all harmony with his family and not really fussed about what me and my family think. My family accepted him when his family disowned him for 7 years. The last time i saw any of his family and his sister met our daughter after 6 months she handed my partner a birthday present for his ex wife and said oh this is for ... can you give it to her please. Nothing for our child, no explanation of why she hasnt seen our daughter before. Nothing like feeling invisible while feeding her neice.

OP posts:

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 05/03/2018 04:42

As the old saying on MN goes, you don’t have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem. He hasn’t got your back.

Original poster

DidSomeoneSayCoffee · 05/03/2018 04:44

Yep. I think you are right. I would fight for my loved ones and i would be the first to confront anyone treating the person i loved like crap..but when it comes to having my back. Poof!!! Gone and i am left to look like the irrational one

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Skittlesandbeer · 05/03/2018 05:01

Something in your story rings a bell with me, even if many circumstances are different. My DM has come over all sweetness and requests for contact with my DD since she turned 7. Otherwise we are very low contact. Principally because of how she turned her back on us during the hard years of child-rearing, and my anxiety disorder after traumatic birth. Didn’t see her for dust.

I conclude that around 7 years old, my kid is suddenly much less hard work and requires almost no inconvenience or sacrifice on her part, so the prospect of playing Granny suddenly has appeal. And let’s not forget, the kid is still young enough to be ‘turned’ for or against someone, and will believe most of what they’re told. The perfect grandchild for someone with axes to grind. Tea parties with poison dripped in your ear, anyone?

In these 7 years, my kid has made lovely connections with ‘honorary grandparents’ in our community and friends group. All genuine affection, no agendas or poison. Great role-models, great intergenerational support and love without strings.

So, sorry-not-sorry DM, you’ve missed the boat and that’s that. If you want to show some family spirit and be genuine then my door is open for a talk anytime. My kid isn’t some toy to pick up or drop when she’s not fun. And it’s my job to protect her.

Shame no one did that for your DH.

Original poster

DidSomeoneSayCoffee · 05/03/2018 05:38

Skittlesandbeer YES!! Exactly..you know what is a kicker..my ex husbands parents took on the role of her grandparents as they are already grandparents to my 3 older children. No matter what happened between their son and i, they always accepted my child with someone else. Birthdays and christmas there was always a gift given to her, i even remember one day she was sitting next to my kids grandfather and she said i don't have grandparents on daddys side and he turned to her and said we will always be your grandparents and you can call us that. That is what real adults do no matter their feelings towards exes

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Coyoacan · 05/03/2018 06:39

i even remember one day she was sitting next to my kids grandfather and she said i don't have grandparents on daddys side and he turned to her and said we will always be your grandparents and you can call us that

How absolutely lovely.

LoveProsecco · 05/03/2018 07:13

I think your DH doesn't respect himself or you to have a relationship with her ☹️

KimmySchmidt1 · 05/03/2018 10:27

I think it’s very dangerous to put yourself in between a child (your DH) and their mother. She may have been awful to him but the need to have a relationship with a parent is a strong one.

Prettylovely · 05/03/2018 10:41

Sounds like mil total bitch, Your husband should be supportive!
I would say she has missed the boat personally.

Original poster

DidSomeoneSayCoffee · 05/03/2018 20:56

KimmySchmidt1 huh? How did I put myself in between myself and my partner? She DISOWNED him because she did not like me, when i first met her, she did nothing but put down his ex wife, there was nothing nice said about the mother of his son, and she got rid of every gf he had after they divorced..until me..she tried hard though..

It did not work and he chose to stay with me, so how am I getting in the middle of that..She chose to ignor her grandchild and son for 7 years, now she wants all love light and forgiveness...with just her own son and her grandson..not her granddaughter, the things she said about his exwife I can only imagine would be said in front of my daughter and that is not going to happen, as I have seen from some of the comments on here, i am not overreacting like I have been told..

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