Super shy nephews

[RockinInAFreeWorld]

Hi everyone, hoping this is the most fitting place to post.

DP and I don't have any children, that will hopefully happen in a few years time. We probably 'know' about 8 children (friends' kids and and DP's nephews - age 6 and 8).

The nephews are painfully shy. We see them every 3-4 weeks and always bring them a little something, but getting two words out of either of them is like pulling teeth. We offer to play with them, sometimes they will talk but as if we're being characters in the game rather than answering questions i.e. 'I heard you went to a birthday party today, did you have fun?' / 'Wow that picture is great, did you paint that??'

Does anyone have any tips on what else we could try? I just feel like a fool when everytime we see them they just look to the ground and the 'Jack, Rockin and Rockin's DP asked you about the party you went to today...' ... still silence.... 'aw, he's gone all shy' follows from the parents.

I've been with DP since before they were born so we've always been in their lives, as they get older they seem to be getting shyer rather than more confident.

Apparently when we're coming over, all day they keep asking when we're arriving and look out the window getting excited, but as soon as we arrive they run up to their rooms and have to be coaxed down to say hello to us!

DP is better and has more patience than me, he'll act silly with them, give them piggy backs etc and gets some engagement with them that way...but this will be after 2+ hours in the house with them, that they'll sometimes warm up enough to let him physically play with them like that.

They go to mainstream school and are both getting on really well with friends and go to birthday parties etc so I don't doubt they are social, it just seems that with adults that aren't their mum and dad (they're the same with any member of the family, not just us) they get so shy they won't say a word or look anyone in the eye.

DP and I are 27 - so we're still fairly young and fun! I understand if young children are sometimes unsure of people much older. Anyways, any tips?

Any chance to look after them for a day without parents present?

No, they don't get babysat or looked after by anybody. They've never stayed anywhere overnight anywhere but home; and mum and dad don't go out just as a twosome. I guess we could say 'if you wanted to go to the cinema or for a meal one Saturday night why don't we mind the boys?' and see what they say.

My daughter has ASD and was selectively mute for a while. She takes a while to warm up and if she doesn't see someone for a few weeks it is even worse.

Not saying you do this but are you bombarding them with questions the whole time? Maybe just take the pressure to talk to you off by not talking for a while and letting them come to you if that makes sense

Thanks laurzj82, I don't think we do, i'm quite quiet so don't talk a lot compared to other people, or so people always tell me! DP is the same (I feel). I get quite easily embarrassed so when I try and talk to them and they don't reply or just look away I feel like I'm really embarrassing myself infront of others present...then I feel bad as for the rest of our time at the house I just won't bother trying to engage with them. I guess that in turn could be seen as me giving them a chance to come to me, but that hasn't ever happened.

My children never had all that much to say about their artwork or parties; these tend to be things which parents like talking about, but kids seem to love them while they are happening, but not to reflect on them afterwards. Kids just clam up if you ask them what they did or what they painted a picture of; they aren't interested.

In my experience, children are more likely to chat in the context of a game or a book we are reading. If you get to know what your nephews like doing and just start doing it with them, so building something, or playing with toy cars, or playing a game would be more likely to break the ice than any kind of question, no matter how friendly...

My eldest is a bit like this, but sometimes both of them can do it. It’s mortifying for me but I never expect our guests to make all the effort.

What we do with ours, and other kids that visit if they are feeling shy, is set up one of the Orchard Toys games and everyone soon warms up. My sister will often have a look through the kids books, and one of them will sidle over and next thing they are on her lap.

I think doing something is usually more effective than trying to engage th verbally.

You sound lovely though. When my family come around, some of them don’t make an effort with the kids at all!

Some children are shy, it’s not compulsory to be sociable. I’d just keep going round to visit and be chilled out about interacting with them, don’t turn it into an issue. Suggest going out for a walk or something with the whole family to see if that helps them relax?

Maybe you could have a box or 2 of special toys that you take with you to their house (and back home with you again!) that you can sit on the floor and play with together? A marble run would be fab if they don't have one already. Don't be put off by them refusing to join you at first, just calmly get on with playing with it yourselves and they should come and quietly join in after a while.

My cousins daughter was like this. In the end they praised her for talking to another adult/stranger. Like if she spoke to the cashier in a shop she would get a well done. She was so painfully shy that she wouldn't ask the teacher if she could go to the toilet and would wet herself. With praise and patience she has grown out of it and is confident speaking to others now.

Little Miss has a good idea there. My kids always remember what they played with and with who, last time people visited. So having a 'thing' that you bring, that they are familiar with and enjoy doing, will be a really effective ice breaker. Or if you choose the same of their toys each time, then it breeds familiarity. My kids know one auntie as the best train track builder for example.

But, the fact that they are looking forward to seeing you, I wouldn't worry too much. Kids may well be enjoying your company in their own quiet way.

Do you say how old they are?
I wouldn't worry, if they enjoy your visits just spend time with them but don't converse much. Do lego or kick a ball about.