Advice: meeting DPs ex wife at stepsons birthday meal

[trippingup]

Sorry wasn’t sure where to post. So My partners son is having a birthday meal for his 15th birthday. Partner and his ex wife always do this so the son doesn’t have to choose who to spend his birthday with. Only thing is I’m freaking out about meeting his ex wife. Any advice is welcome. Obviously don’t want the meeting to overshadow the sons birthday. Do I go and just stay quiet, don’t go and leave them to it or go in trying to be friendly and ask the ex wife questions and sound interested in her. I really don’t know what to do. I’m massively panicking and overthinking. For the record they’ve been broken up 10 years. They get on well. I’m not the other woman who broke them up etc. I want to make a good impression obviously but don’t want to try too hard. I really know nothing about her. If I turn up and she’s Claudia Schiiffer I will run a million miles! Thanks

Is there any way you can meet her, however briefly before the birthday meal?
Just in case...

She’s picking him up early tomorrow so could come to the door. I’ve always shied away really.

Be polite to her (obviously). Stay a bit in the background if you can - if they want to get some photos with their son maybe hang back a bit so she can have a couple without you in it (my husband's father's partner does this subtly and everyone is grateful).

Why would you want photos without me if I’m present at the meal? To erase me if we break up? Haha. Not being funny but I’ve not done anything wrong here. Not getting defensive but I cook, clean, wash, iron, buy food and live with the son so why try to pretend I’m not a part of his life? Fair enough don’t be the centre of attention and demand to be in photos with him and his mum.

No-one's saying you can't be in any photos . Just give them the space to have a couple without you in them as well

FWIW, she is probably worried about meeting you too. Hopefully it will be a non-event and you will get on well.

Try having some prepared neutral questions. Ie. How are you? Talk about the snow, etc. Be friendly.

Thank you. I did think about taking her flowers to break the ice but not sure if it’s a bit much!

I think the fact that you care and are actually thinking about this shows you are a decent person and I'm sure you will come across this way just being yourself.
I can understand why you feel a bit awkward though! I think I'd hold back from being too chatty just a little bit and see how she is. I bet she feels nervous about it too! You can focus all the chat on your step son at first as it's his birthday meal and then hopefully you can naturally chat about other things. Good luck! I hope you have a lovely time!

That’s so lovely thank you. Yes it’s his day and the focus should be on him.