How to not be a toxic parent in a long line of toxic parents?

[Lollipop30]

Today my mother told me I am just like my grandmother.
What scares me is I might be? I have spent my whole adulthood actively trying to be nothing like my mother that I’m concerned I’ve gone the other way. My grandmother was also a shit parent and not someone I want to be like.
Are we predestined to follow the same cycle? How do I break it?
I don’t even know what a normal parent-child relationship looks like I guess as I’ve only got mine to compare with. I don’t think I’m doing it right and I don’t want my children to resent me but I don’t know what I should be doing differently.

Right now I just want to leave. I think they’d probably be better being brought up by someone with a less skewed view of parenting. I don’t want to be the role model in case I’m the same as the women before me. I have three daughters and I’d like to have the sort of relationship I see others having with their mothers.

The fact you are worried about it means you are not a toxic parent. You are actively trying to be better.

Why don't you try parenting classes? It doesn't mean you don't know how to parent or that you are not good at it, it just gives you the support of other people showing you ways you could look at things differently or how to come at problems from a different direction. And it might give you a bit more confidence in your instincts and ability.

Maybe some counselling? I'm in a similar situation in that my mum was emotionally abusive and I'm trying to break the cycle. My therapist says we parent the way we were parented so your Mum has taken her parenting skills from your grandmother. It's great you recognise this is toxic and are trying to change it. For me my mum was really critical so I'm also reading books on how to build healthy self esteem in children to try to stay away from making the mistakes she made

Thank you. I actually went to parenting classes but tbh they were more about advising you not to brush your kids teeth with a mars bar and other fairly obvious parenting choices.

This happened today;
We left a cafe, we hadn’t actually sat down and my 5yr old started having a tantrum about which chair to sit on. I’d said if you don’t just sit down we shall leave, hence why we left as the protests got louder and were disturbing other people. Now tbh if I’d been on my own we’d have probably just gone outside I could have explained and she’d have calmed down and we could have gone back and eaten. However my mum had a huge go at me in front of them about how terrible a parent i was and how unfair it was and that I was just like her mother, so I felt I couldn’t then let them see that belittling me worked and it meant we really did leave.
Did I do something wrong? I don’t want to be like either of them, I’ve been told I’m useless and a bitch all my life and I just don’t want my kids thinking that too.

Your mum is the toxic parent, not you. You are parenting your child properly and she is undermining you.

My therapist says we parent the way we were parented

^
This is what I’m terrified of

Except I wonder if it skips a generation as we actively try not to be like our parents and end up being like theirs!

No, you didn't do anything wrong at all.

Please don't allow her to have a go at you like you are a child, try and stop her in her tracts.

Standing up for yourself is really fucking hard but it can change everything.

You are not useless.

Parenting skills are not genetic. It can't skip a generation.

You are you and have full control over how you choose to parent your children.

Don't let that shit get in your head.

I know

It’s not genetic but how do you stop yourself repeating it

I’m not a parent but it sounds like you’re a really good person and you’re self reflecting and asking for advice and will always do what’s best for your children. I’m sure you will form the same mother-daughter relationships that you see in others. What you did sounds like you were setting boundaries and ground rules which sounds the right thing to do. Sorry I can’t say how you could have reacted to your mother putting you down like that but just try not to worry about it too much maybe? Just don’t ever think they’d be better without you as you sound like a lovely mum and your children are very lucky to have you. I’m sorry I have no practical advice.

The biggest thing that will help you not parent as you were parented is reflection and self-awareness.

The fact you're asking this question, the way you're thinking about how you're parenting shows that you've made massive strides towards setting your own path.

No parents have perfect relationships with their children, so try to make sure you don't beat yourself up while thinking everyone else is doing amazing. Everyone doubts themselves sometimes.

You sound brilliant.

Please consider this : you may be nothing like your grandma. Your (toxic) mother will probably have just been lashing out because she was upset her lunch plans had changed. She may have known her comment would have an impact on you. She does not sound nice.

For what it is worth I think you dealt with the cafe situation well because you chose a reasonable consequence and you followed through which is so important so your dc can trust you mean what you say. I would have done the same

My mum did it. She had an uneasy relationship with her own Mum who was not the kind of parent I would like to be, but my mum broke the cycle. She was an amazing mum to me and we have a great relationship.

I know this sounds like a cliche. But basically I always knew how much my mum loved me and that she would do anything for me. I think if you get that right then you can get away with smaller mistakes. Also, my mum married a man (my dad) who was emotionally available (unlike her own dad).

Maybe you need to limit the time you spend with your mum and your children together? In the example you give, it sounds like it would have been fine if your mum hadn’t been there.

Your mum sounds toxic. My armchair psychologist view would be that she hasn't in any way processed what went on between her and her own mother, so she's projecting it all onto you, and lashing out at your 'failings', when the person she's really angry with is her mum.

She needs therapy for this but there isn't anything you can do about that (unless you want to have that conversation with her?)

Looking at it from that perspective, what she says to you are not facts. They are merely her own, fairly twisted impressions, and don't actually mean anything about how you parent.

I'd suggest a couple of things you could do to help yourself. First, either a parenting course, or even some time reading a good parenting book and practising the techniques. This is not because I think you need it, but because it would give you greater confidence in what you're doing, and allow you to say to her 'I'm taking this approach for a reason, please don't interfere'.

(FWIW, a book called How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen is really good and helpful for just the sort of annoying cafe situation you describe above )

Second, have you considered therapy for yourself? You've got a lot of tangled stuff to work through and sometimes we need that space and the support of a professional to help us through it. There were aspects of my parents' parenting that were toxic and I've found therapy really helpful. I'm still quite a new parent (DD is only 20 months) but I'm very aware of the traps I might fall into and do quite a bit of thinking about how I could do things differently. Again, it'd also give you more confidence in stepping back from your mum a bit.

I wish you all the best. It's very hard to be trapped in these inter-generational dynamics (from my own family's point of view, my great grandmother whom I never met was apparently where it all began!) but it is possible to gain freedom.

Oh sorry, I've just seen you have been to classes. You need a better one! Some names to look out for are Triple P and Webster Stratton, but I'm no expert.

Fwiw you did exactly what I’d do in the cafe situation.

Hard to say without more details but I’d say if you’re aware enough to be worrying about it, the chances of you being toxic are pretty low. It sounds like your mother is seeing you parent and perhaps it’s challenging her own memories of how she did it with you?

I have a friend whose mum smacked her for absolutely everything - she’s determined to never hit her kids and is a really good parent. Every time she’s out with her Mum and dealing with a situation like yours in a way that’s non-abusive (talking, firm but fair, removing from the situation ifbthey wont behave etc) her Mum has snide words. It reflects more on her mum than her.

I too am in exactly the same situation as you. I am having counselling to help. It is extremely important to me to break the cycle. The hardest thing I’ve found is that I know what I don’t want to do, but I don’t know what to do (does that make sense).

My husband has said that once the children know they’re loved unconditionally that will go a long way to breaking it, and I have to agree.

Good luck! You will continue to do a great job.

I would limit the time you spend with your dm if you want to break the cycle. I fear she will undermine all your efforts and will continue to hurt you.

I have a toxic family, and it is difficult, but I am raising my dc well, I don't expect perfection but I consider everything I do/say so that I don't slip into old habits that I notice if I am tired/stressed/ill

I have my first counselling session on Monday, I don't know why after all these years, maybe it is worth a try for you?

Leaning how to parent well, I practice simplicity parenting, but there are a huge choice of parenting ideas.

I am affectionate, kind, calm and I listen to them carefully. I try to avoid being critical and I watch my inner critic like a hawk. I make them laugh, I do discipline and not feel bad (this is good parenting in my book) and we stick to boundaries. No violence and keep shouting to a minimum.

Everyone's view is listened to.

I am sure I am making other mistakes, I look out for those.
I am closer to my dc than my dc ever was. I take that as guidance that I am doing okay. If dd is upset I try not to think I am failing, just it is a bad day.

Your dh/dp will have his own input. Schools, friends, their childhood does not start and end with just you, so although you are their main carer, there will be other people that contribute to their lives positively. I am not sure your dm is one of them, be careful she is not the same to them.

Good luck, you sound great as you are.

My therapist says we parent the way we were parented Get a new therapist! Absolute bollocks.

My mother was emotional abusive, and I am NOTHING like her. She taught me how NOT to parent, and I have two dc and have lovely relationships with them. I went NC with my mother at 18 and never looked back.

Therapist should know that it is possible to not make the same mistakes as our parents. How ignorant.

My therapist says we parent the way we were parented

I disagree with this as well. I parent in a way that is informed by how I was parented, but very often that’s in a ‘well I certainly won’t be doing that’ sort of way. I had a not ideal but not terrible upbringing

Self awareness and reflection are key. I don’t hit, ever. I don’t shout unless it’s for safety (yelling to put something dangerous down or to STOP!) I don’t use emotional leverage. The rest of it I just muddle through but I think I’m a good parent, dh is a good parent and others around us say we are good parents.

but how do you stop yourself repeating it Just don't do it. When my eldest dd came to me saying she needed a bra, I didn't mock her to all my friends in front of her.

I don't call her a bitch
I don't tell her she is worthless and unlovable
I don't use her a slave
I don't diminish & dismiss her fears and pain

I make her feel important
I do things with her, make her feel safe, loved and secure. Take an interest in her, guide her, correct her if she is wrong and explain why.
I teach her about life, teach her the skills she needs in order to live. Mine didn't even teach me to cook!

Basically, I am the parent I wanted and feel I deserved.

Thank you for all your kind words. I think most of you are correct perhaps I should do some counselling, I’ll look into it.

One PP has said they know what they don’t want to do but are not quite sure what they should do. I think this sounds correct of me and is probably where the doubt comes from. So thank you for the reassurance re cafe situation.

Sounds like she said you were like her mother because she knew it'd hit you in a sore spot. Doesn't make it true.

correct her if she is wrong and explain why. And I allow her to do the same to me. She is 14 and has done this a few times, and is respectful about it, and has been right each time.

Basically, I am the parent I wanted and feel I deserved.

^^ Very good point, I shall try and remember that always