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Parenting

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Original poster

So angry at starnger's interference :(

17 replies

Hulababy · 02/08/2004 12:53

Argh

Just nipped over to PO with DD - aged 2y 3m. She was getting a bit hungry and is still tired from very busy weekend away, so not at her best I guess. She kept trying to run off and pick cards off the stand. I asked her 2 or 3 times to come and stand still next to me, but she kept ruunning off. I left queue, held her wrist (not squeezing or pulling) and made her walk next to me back to queue. Well she screamed at me and tried to run off again. So I picked her up and held her firmly against me, whilst ignoring her 'bad behaviour' of shouting and screaming at me.

But there was a man in front of me - maybe around my age , or late 20s/early 30s anyway. Well, he annoyed me so much I was so cross and shaking when I left. He kept cooing at DD, saying "Aw, Never mind baby, you're okay, what's wrong sweetheart" He then asked me to give him to her (actually put his arms out to try and take her from me) or to let her be put down next to me. Which just made DD worse and me more determined. And he went on and on 3 or 4 times.

I obviously refused and just answered shortly to him, something along the lines of " She is fine; she is simply two years old and therefore sometimes has a tantrum, which I am dealing with, thank you.!

At no point was I horrid to DD - I didn't shout (I talked calmly and quietly), I ignored bad behaviour and praised her good stuff, I held her firmly but not tightly or roughly. And she did infact calm down very quickly once he had stopped his interfering.

Yet I was made to feel so small and belittled - and in front of a queue of people. Was shaking by time I left.

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kkgirl · 02/08/2004 13:11

Hulababy

I can't tell from your posting, but do you think he was trying to be helpful and trying to distract dd for you?
I know it can be quite irritating when people interfer, quite often though, I have been in a queue behind a crying toddler, or one having a tantrum and have wanted to try and distract them, only because have been there, done it and got the t shirt and feel sympathy for the mum or dad trying to deal with it.

Anyway however it was, hope you can forget about it, you were sorting it out, very efficiently by the sounds of it and hope you are starting to feel calmer

Original poster

Hulababy · 02/08/2004 13:13

Not sure but I don't think so - his voice was very much of the tone "poor baby, evil mummy" IYSWIM. And why did he think I was ever likely to hand my baby over to him???

Still feeling but much calmer now!

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tex111 · 02/08/2004 13:14

Hulababy, I know just how you feel but you did everything right. My DS is two and we go through the same kind of thing all the time. Happened at the mall just last week. People just don't seem to know to mind their own business and this guy sounds like he doesn't have kids of his own and doesn't know the best way to handle a tantrum. I do exactly the same thing you did and it's what most of the current child care 'experts' recommend too. I guess we just can't account for other people's ignorance.

It's very strange that the guy actually wanted to hold your DD. That's pretty unusual and would definitely have made me uncomfortable. You did the right thing.

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OldieMum · 02/08/2004 13:15

You were the there to hear the tone of voice, of course, but this sounds more like gormlessness on his part, rather than ill intent.

Gingerbear · 02/08/2004 13:17

Oh Hula Lots of hugs and sympathy from me!!!

I think he probably was trying to distract her, but he obviously doesn't watch Supernanny or Little Angels!!

Did he really think that him picking up DD would help??!!??

kkgirl · 02/08/2004 13:21

Hulababy

No wonder you feel so cross then. I think it seems strange too that he expected you to hand your dd over to him, a complete stranger.

Anyway as I said, you shouldn't feel bad, you sorted it out calmy, I wish I could sort my three out that easily, they are 2 x 8's and one 10 who thinks he is a teenager already!!

Take care

wellsie · 02/08/2004 13:27

Hulababy I know how you feel. Had an incident in Sainsbury's last week (I thought cashiers were meant to swipe your food and take your money, not comment on how to handle YOUR child!!)
Find it a bit odd that a stranger would want to hold your DD. I wouldn't let any stranger hold DS be it a man or a woman.
You did everything I would've done.
Big hugs ((( )))

tinyganghq · 02/08/2004 13:28

OMG how horrible for you Hula - why can't people just butt out of situations like this? I hate dealing with tantrums in public because there is invariably some smart alec comment that you have to field along with all eyes watching how you 'cope' with the child (especially if both twins are going for it at once with us).

This man was trying to hold your dd too - how very inappropriate to say the least. Did he actually think you were going to hand her over, or that it was 'helping' you in any way - weird

When I'm out and the inevitable tantrum happens (people without children forget it's all perfectly normal behaviour with little ones) I just want to be left alone to deal with it. I don't want comments, advice, or judgemental looks - touchy aren't I . If a fellow Mum gives me a supportive rueful smile that's ok though and helps a lot.

Thomcat · 02/08/2004 13:32

Silly man

yingers74 · 02/08/2004 13:34

Hulababy,

Hope you are feeling better, I think that this guy was indeed trying to help by distracting dd, albeit not very successfully! I imagine that he is probably an uncle who is used to being adored by his neices and nephew simply by always giving them what they want! We can only hope that when he has kiddies of his own, someone will return the favour

Original poster

Hulababy · 02/08/2004 13:36

Cheers all. It was the thing with him trying to hold DD that got to me - silly man! ASs if me giving her to a stranger is going to help either of us.

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Angeliz · 02/08/2004 13:38

GGRRRRRRRRRRRR That would have been a great lesson for her, have a tantrum and then a strange man will give you a cuddle!!!!!

For what it's worth, when dd is acting up i can often be seen walking around oblivious (PRETENDING), whilst strangers look on in disgust! No-one has said anything yet but i have 'that look' so they probably don't dare!

Hope you're both having a better afternoon++++++++++++++++==

californiagirl · 02/08/2004 19:12

"Becoming the parent you want to be" recommends treating these people with exactly the same rules you use for the child; honour the impulse ("I see you want to make the baby feel better", provide information ("She's having a tantrum right now, and can't be soothed out of it, she'll calm down faster if she's left alone" and then set and enforce limits ("Please don't talk to her" followed I suppose by walking away if possible, ignoring him if not). Only you get the smug feeing of knowing you are treating him as if he were 2. But how annoying to have to try to control not only your child but also grownups!

fisil · 02/08/2004 19:53

Hula - how annoying. I know that this kind of interference usually comes from good intent, but it is bloody thoughtless good intent. If he stopped to think for two seconds he would realise that you have a much better chance of dealing with DD than him!

I had a woman report an abandoned child to the Tesco staf the other week. The "abandoned child" was sitting in the aisle having a very targeted tantrum while I ignored the behaviour. Interestingly the "abandoned child" screamed more when she stood in his direct line of sight to me - she made what was a normal(ish) parent-toddler interaction into a nightmare for him because he could no longer see me. Silly cow. Bet she spoilt her kids!

MeanBean · 02/08/2004 20:03

Idiot man, you must have wanted to scream at him to go and sit on the naughty step! Once when I was in a supermarket and DS was having a tantrum, somebody tutted and made a remark about how parents today let their kids do as they like. I went and looked her directly in the eye and said ?I?m ignoring him, because that is the current advice on how to deal with children who are having tantrums, and frankly, people like you giving him attention are undermining my parenting attempts and contributing to him prolonging the tantrum. I?d be grateful if you?d keep your nose out of my business if you haven?t got anything positive to contribute to this situation?. I got a barrage of abuse in return, to which I responded: ?well, I can see how well you were brought up, and if you?ve brought up your children to behave in the way you just have, I don?t really think you?re in any position at all to comment on anyone else?s children, do you??

By this time, DS had stopped tantruming and a medium sized crowd had formed. I smiled sweetly and said: ?Does anyone else have any parenting advice they?d like to share?? Lots of people smiled at me and boy, did I feel better about having made a stand! But next time, I'm going to be grown up and mature and do what Californiagirl suggests.

WideWebWitch · 02/08/2004 23:23

Sympathy hulababy and at your description MeanBean, well done you. Wish I'd been there to join in the haranguing of said rude person.

Original poster

Hulababy · 03/08/2004 08:13

Cheers all - you made me feel much better. Love some of the approaches to such people suggested here!

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