Not coping at home

[Offthebandwagonagain]

Posted on wrong thread earlier so hope this is right one.

I have two young dds. 10 months and 2 yrs (nearly 3).

I’m with them 24/7. My husband works long hours and so everything in the home rests with me. Literally everything.

I have no family support and no real friends.

My eldest dropped their only nap of the day a few months ago. My youngest is extremely clingy to the point that I can’t leave the room without them going mad.

I’m feeling like I’m really struggling now. I’ve done this for nearly 3 yrs and I’m now at a point where I feel I’m at breaking point.

My youngest is breastfed and so there is no option to leave him with anyone and he’s so clingy that even if I did (I can’t express and don’t want him to have formula so please don’t suggest bottles, expressing etc)

My toddler is usually well behaved but when in a bad mood (happening more and more often now that their sibling is getting mobile as jealousy is setting in), they push every single button.

I’ve tried everything I can think of but I’m struggling. I can’t get anything done unless I leave my eldest to watch tv and my youngest in their play pen - youngest goes mental then finally calms down but I feel awful for leaving them to do the household stuff. If I don’t do it though it won’t get done and I can’t have the kids in dirty clothes or the place filthy by leaving it.

Really need some support and some tips. I feel like a crap awful mother as all my ‘friends’ are back at work now after children and see my life as a piece of piss. It really, really isn’t. I had no idea it would be so hard. I can’t work as childcare costs would exceed my earnings.

I didn’t know it would be so hard. I literally can’t keep this up much longer. It wasn’t bad when we just had one and that one actually napped but two wide awake little ones 24/7 is a nightmare.

I went back to work when mine were 10 months. They didn’t have ebm or formula either, you can leave him, lots of women don’t get a choice.

Could your DH drop a day at work? You shouldn’t stay at home if you don’t want to. Childcare is a joint responsibility.

Do you go to any groups? I found this time really intensive but going out each day and having a little adult interaction helped me to cope. Have you applied for your DC1s free childcare hours? Getting her into a good pre-school a couple of days a week might help you to cope better.

If you are struggling to get jobs done, can DC1 help? Things might take longer but she may be happier as she’ll get more time with you and will feel like she’s doing something useful.

I'm the same. I go to absolutely every group going that I can! Local libraries often run free ones and it's a good place to just spend time with other mums. The other thing I found helped was doing a free online course to keep my brain cells from festering. Future learn and coursera are good ones. You aren't alone and this won't last forever.

I agree with going to groups - really saved my sanity with an active toddler. Your toddler's behaviour sounds normal but is he bored?

If your husband's working all the time can you get a cleaner? Even a couple of hours a week would help you out.

As for your 10 month old they don't need a breastfed all the time. I would leave my son with plenty of snacks at that age and some cow's milk in a sippy cup. Hasn't done him any harm. Maybe go out for a short walk (surely your DH is home sometimes?) then increase the time you are away from them.

Thank you x

Our 10mo won’t take a bottle or sippy cup etc despite trying and having ongoing perseverance with it. I wish to god they’d take it!

I don’t drive and live in quite a remote area so aside from one group at the church on a Friday and walking a lot/local park there aren’t many things to do to meet people.

I think I just need some hope that it won’t always be this difficult. I am starting to feel quite down with it all but when I’ve spoken to hv they’ve brushed it off and tried to force their views on me - they say to bottle feed and use controlled crying when the youngest. Neither of them would work with me

Is your older child at nursery? Do they qualify for free place? This my provide stimulation for them, respite for you 😊

Otherwise toddler groups?

Sorry just seen your location etc 😉

When your oldest goes into pre-school that should help.

And getting out even if it's just to the supermarket is important.

When your husband is home, get out by yourself. Even if it's just a walk.

I'll be slated here but for your sanity sometimes you need to accept the tv is your friend. When my DS was very young he loved to watch the washing machine washing coloured fabrics which didn't need washed just because he liked to watch them go round and round and the noise sent him to sleep.
Have you tried a door bouncy swing for your 10 month old? That way you can still be with him wherever and whatever you're doing and he can bounce merrily until he's tired himself out!

It will gradually get easier. I know you live remotely but is the nearest nursery within walking distance? How long before your eldest qualifies for some free nursery hours - that will give you a break.

And you need to stop feeling guilty about using the TV to distract the 2 year old and popping the baby into the playpen while you do stuff. You're not Superwoman! Something obviously has to give and better your standards slip a little than you crack under the pressure.

I had two just over a year apart in age no family support and DH away 13 hours a day so know how you feel. I did a lot of toddler groups and had friends from first time Mum group round on a Friday. It was very intense. Weekends or holidays weren’t any easier either it was completely full on.
I went back to work pt when the youngest was 10 months and it saved my sanity. All my wages went in childcare and I felt guilty but it was worth it for 2.5 days break.
I think I would try and make things as easy as possible on yourself. Stop BF and bottle feed, try not to play the martyr (as I sometimes did). Be as organised as possible I laid day clothes out when they went to bed and got night things out on a morning. DS has excema so as advised by GP I washed him down and changed bathing to every 2 or 3 nights. I let things slide in the house it only ever got a quick flick and quick run round with hoover when DC v young. Don’t be too hard on yourself. If you can afford a cleaner even if only once a fortnight get one and or pay for a sitter once a month and have a night out some couple time. Tak care

With eldest I never let him watch tv initially incase it effected his development I read to him, sang to him or he had baby Beethoven on in the background etc etc.
When DD came along that went out of the window and CBeebies and Toy Story videos were a godsend, particularly when trying to feed dd or change dd who was similarly clingy as your youngest is. DD is doing well as Grammar school so don’t worry.
When DD was 16 months they had so much fun together and I had fun watching them. It will get easier but in the meantime make things as easy on yourself as possible. Tak care

Our baby is the same age as your youngest, also breastfed and also a bit clingy with her mum.

The youngest can be left with someone else, I look after our little girl a few hours a day some days and we have a childminder - she eats blended veg (you can but 10 pots from sainsbos for about a fiver - she loves them, although tastes a bit rough to me), we also feed her weetabix with water (as she wont drink out of a bottle).

In terms of clingyness, I can walk out of the room and she is fine. Mt gf walks out of the room and it is a completely different situation. That is because my gf spends a lot of time holding and cuddling her where as I tend to leave her to play a little more. I think you need to give her a bit more space to play on their own/dump them in front of the TV if needs be for a bit, not in a lazy way but just to give you some breathing space. Try going to some clubs, churches are quite good we have found (not that we are religious in any way).

It is a bit different with no friends or family around, but we try to (in the nicest possible way) palm her off on other people for 10 minutes, going up to an hour over a few weeks. Now we leave her with the childminder for 4-5 hours and shes not bothered when we leave the house.

Basically, its going to be a nightmare but you need to tough it out. Sometimes what I do is hide behind a door and then jump out and say boo a couple of times then go and do what I want and shes fine.