DH doing bedtime

[MunsteadWood]

So DC1 is 4 months old. As I'm on maternity leave and EBF I've generally taken the lead on naps/bedtime etc so far but I've got an evening event coming up in a few weeks which means DH will need to take the lead on bedtime.

I've not done much expressing so far although when I've tried in the past DC seems happy to take a bottle. But the issue is that it seems very hard for DH to settle him to sleep.

I guess this is because a) he's not had much practice, b) DC is used to me putting him to bed at night, and c) DH doesn't have the magic power of the boob...

I'm trying to work on helping DC to self soothe but often end up feeding him to sleep, although sometimes I manage to put him down awake in his cot and sing/shush him to sleep.

For his daytime naps I do the same (feeding, shushing in cot) or rock to sleep or pram/sling when out and about.

This evening we did a trial run and I fed DC then handed him over to DH to settle. He tried shushing in cot, then cuddles and gentle rocking/singing when DC started crying. But no success! DC ended up full on crying (the kind with real tears!) and DH ended up handing him back to me, and I'm now feeding him again (and he is dropping off). Poor DH looks a bit sad.

Sorry pressed post too soon!

What can we do? Should we persevere? Is there something else DH could try? Or is it just normal for DC only to want me at this young age?

I'm aware we probably should have addressed this sooner and had DH do bedtimes from earlier on, but we are where we are.

Any tips or similar experiences much appreciated. I really want to be able to go to the party without worrying about DH/DC at home!!

I ebf bottle refusing Ds1. He's 2.5 now and his dad has put him to bed twice ever (this week! ( we are seperated now though. Ds2 had a bottle at bedtime from the start just about every day. His dad gave it to him while I put Ds1 to bed, until he moved out when ds2 was about 8 months old. He fell asleep on the bottle often or was cuddled/rocked. 4 months is still very young to expect self settling.

I'd do several practice runs and try not to take over. Forget putting him down. Have Dh get comfy, give him the bottle and cuddled rock/stand up and Bob about/do whatever it takes. Does the baby have a dummy? Ds1 didn't. Ds2 does for sleep. Helps a LOT.

Forgot to add, ds2 did go through a stage of crying. Firstly his dad was really not very confident at soothing him. Just didn't seem to come naturally, he didn't get the cuddling/swaying /bobbing movement right at all. It was hard for me as I'd be upstairs with my other son, but I can't be in two places at once. But, it did get better.

If it was the first try I wouldn't feel too discouraged yet - I remember those days and was desperate to not have to do bedtime some nights!

If he takes a bottle, have you tried not feeding him yourself, and DH giving the bottle where you would be feeding him? He might not have boobs, but if little one could get used to bedtime milk coming from daddy too that may help? That, plus lots of cuddles to sleep, maybe wearing something that smells like you?

As you say, ds is only used to you so he might be a bit confused - a few more tries might be needed for him to get the idea.

Also, I personally wouldn't worry about self-soothing/going to sleep alone in the cot at 4 months - drove myself mad worrying about that last time and it was all fine in the end.

Good luck!

Thanks so much for these replies. We've not tried DH doing bedtime with bottle yet so will make that a mission for this week! I've probably stupidly left this too late as the thing I want to go out to (hen night for a close family member) is only 2 weeks from now, but I guess even if I end up not able to go this is pretty essential for future events...

Thanks also for the thoughts on self soothing. You hear such differing advice on babies' sleep it's hard to know what to do. Best not to put too much pressure on myself, by the sound of things!

Op it's hard when you have just the one. I mean it's easier for you to do everything. It just wasn't an option when I had ds2, with only a small age gap. If you really want to crack it idoes have Dh do bedtime every night from now on (til your night out ( then regularly after that. Ds might object a bit but it will give you freedom in the long run.

My bf to sleep Ds1 was going to bed with no bf by 1, and sleeping though by 15 months.

Update on this - DC now refusing the bottle too DH tried bedtime again and it quickly escalated to tears, spitting out milk, bottle of EBM totally rejected. DH then tried to soothe DC without milk but he was having none of it.

Guessing my night out next week won't happen but still keen to keep trying for future so we're going to keep trying. My plans for next steps are - 1. DH try bottle again at another time, away from bedtime (perhaps in the morning when DC is naturally more cheery), 2. DH try putting DC down for some naps (he can often be rocked to sleep for naps, which I don't generally do at night time). Then if we can succeed at those two, maybe have DH try bedtime again??

Any more views/experiences welcome! I know another tactic could be for me to just go out and leave DH and DC together for the evening but I don't think I could do that just yet, knowing DC will probably spend the evening crying

Tactic to try. Go out. Breastfed Babies can smell your milk from a mile a way so make sure you find a coffee shop one and a half miles a way. Scientific fact. ok maybe not a mile, but the definitely know boob is in the house

Just keep practising! DH has a totally different technique to soothing him - I have the magic boob, so he had to develop his own way of getting DS off to sleep (patting and rocking, but a) I’ve never had to bother with those , and b) because he has much bigger arms than me he does it in a different way to me anyway).

Do go on your night out! DS is actually much better for DH when he knows I’m not available - it’s when DS knows I’m just sitting downstairs but I’m not coming up to him that he really kicks off. When I’m out of the house he’s quite happy with DH.

Could you put baby to bed then go out?

@BellyBean I did wonder about that... but it's not really possible as it's about a 1.5hr drive to the party and DC's bedtime is a bit unpredictable (he normally goes to bed around 7.30 but then needs re-settling a few times after that often up until about 9pm before he'll sleep for a longer period).

Because of the distance I'm also conscious that if DC won't take the bottle while I'm out I'd probably only get about 1.5hrs out before I'd need to go back home again to feed, and I don't like the idea of leaving him to cry for that long (admittedly with his dad!!) if DH doesn't manage to settle him.

I feel like I'm being totally PFB but I can't bear the thought of leaving him upset. I think we'll do another practise run over the weekend and I'll go out somewhere nearby for a bit and see how things go...

Thanks for all your advice!