Today 15:44 Dojos
Hi ladies,
I've been battling depression a bit, mostly related to parenting 3 kids, 2 with special needs, and my normal reaction when I feel like I'm not doing great at it all is to withdraw so I don't leave myself open to judgement I can't handle.
Recently I decided to get tougher on self preservation and deal with toxic people in my life. I cut off my parents and sister after way too many years of control, narcissism and self esteem battering, it feels great and awful all in one go, I'm quite stunned it seems so easy for them to give up this supposed closeness with the children and the haven't even tried to talk. I know they are waiting for me to crawl back as I usually do, but I can't do it anymore as once I do it's open season again on how I parent, live, look. My marriage is struggling as we're never quite on the same parenting page (Im too nice apparently) but he's a good guy and I think we're all good. I'm totally intolerant of any incompetency from my child's special needs child's team and when I try to address it I'm just ignored or I feel I'm 'difficult', another mother shamed me on Friday with total vitriol to the other class mothers on a group WhatsApp for sending my child to school with a bug when I thought he was better and I I just can't take the pain of seemingly being the one to whom everyone thinks it's ok to treat less than how I would treat them.
Am I just unlucky with the people I have in my life, am I seen as an easy target as I'm outwardly laid back and down to earth (but dying inside) or am I being overly sensitive and choosing to see the negatives?
I just don't know and I'm exhausted trying to figure it out. I don't sleep, I'm holding down a great full time career job that I'm worried I'll mess up next, we're a few weeks off leaving our house with nowhere to go and our kids are leaving their private school to try and save costs, which won't be a bad thing all round, but it's an upheaval too many.
I feel like such a failure as a parent and a person. What is wrong with me that parenting is never smooth and everyday seems to throw a curve ball at me? 😞 Why do I feel everyone else has it sorted and judges me for not doing?