My DH is determined to do more writing and maths with our son, who is six and has a lot of difficulty with both.
In some ways it’s great that DH wants to help. On the other hand his methods concern me. Neither of us is a patient teacher, but he tends to really lose it. Some of the time, son does get it, after much sobbing from him and shouting from DH and when I try to intervene and say it’s too much and to back off, DH just snarls that yelling and making him cry is the only way to get him to do it, because look, he’s done it now and nothing else worked. And it’s hard to respond to that, especially as DH’s anger is like a juggernaut, he doesn’t really seem to want to stop and all my counterarguments just sound piss-weak because I can’t match his yelling. The fact is, maybe he can make him get something right by yelling, but he’s not teaching it to him because the next day he’s forgotten it again. Basically, DH has this idea that son is ‘lazy’ and needs to be forced. I think son just finds things genuinely difficult and needs a very patient, gradual approach. DH comes from a family where yelling and giving critical labels to children was the norm. I really hate it when he calls son lazy or accuses him of not trying when he is, because that latter I feel is really damaging. Why should you bother trying when you still get the third degree even when you do try?
I’m thinking the best thing might be to put my thoughts down in an email to him so it doesn’t have to be confrontational and say it’s great that he wants to do more, but he has to manage his temper and he has to try to move away from negative labels either in his head or said out loud. Son is an August baby, and not mature for his age either – I think he does have difficulty concentrating and can be inattentive, but I don’t think he’s ‘lazy’. But generally when I try to express this to DH he just says I’m being soft and do I have a better suggestion (and then writes off any suggestions I give as ineffectual). Also worth saying, DH is a natural mathematician who is really good at that kind of thing, so it is hard for him to understand not getting maths!
I’ll admit I’m also worried because we have a new au pair and I’m worried that if DH puts on his worst side with this, au pair will decide this household is too stressful and decide to pack his bags. It’s a stressful and awkward time right now as DH is between contracts since the start of December and things have been slow, so he’s also extra-stressed and on edge about that.