Leaving toddler overnight - with friends not family...

[Lizzer]

Hi everyone! Hope you still remember little old me! Its been a while and I have no excuse for not being around other than new luuuurve and stuff like that. Anyhow, I have a question for you all and I can't find the thread that I was looking for to deposit it in...
Basically I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. Me and (my lovely new)dp are really wanting to go down to london for a friend's birthday party in two weeks. My Mum usually looks after dd (who's now 2 and a half) with no problems (we live at her house so dd sleeps in her own bed when I'm away.) However, I feel I've been taking advantage of my Mother for the past few weeks (have had weddings etc happening) so I don't want to trouble her again with babysitting. I have friends (with no children of their own) who dd knows 'quite' well (ie we see them once every six weeks or so and she loves going to their house) and who have looked after her in the past for a few hours but never overnight. When I asked them if they would mind having her for the weekend they were really keen (and are great with her) I just don't know if 2 and a half is too young to be leaving her with people other than family for 2 nights. What are your thoughts? What if she gets really distressed and we're a million miles away??!
Does anyone have experience of this problem? Has anyone regretted leaving their toddler?
I was looking for the thread where someone said that they had been left as a child and apparently was a different child when the parents returned - eek, this really scares me and I'm not sure I would enjoy myself if I worried about her all the time. Its not as if we 'have' to go, its only a party and I would never forgive myself if I came back to a sulky, moody child just for the sake of my social life... What would you do?? Thanks in advance...

Hi Lizzer, wondered where you were. I would ask my mum first, you should be able to read her reaction even if she really means oh no not again. Have you mentioned to her that you have asked your friends, she might feel put out about it anyway. Have a good time if you end up going and glad to hear your new fella is working out ok.

Lizzer - I would definately discuss it with your mmum first because she may be absolutely fine about it then you can be totally relaxed about your dd while you are away. Your mum might be hurt if you ask friends to look after her even though they sound more than capable. Give your mum the choice.

Message withdrawn

and was one of the weddings your own...we wonder?
So nice to hear all is working out well for you Lizzer, and like others here I would canvass your mum first. Bring her back some Jo Malone or something if she says yes, and I think even if you all agree to give your friends a whirl, you'd want grandma as your local back-up.
I think the child who was indelibly altered by her parents going away was left for longer than two nights!
And please publish your itinerary so that interested London mumsnetters can spy on you both and be reminded of what it is to be young, gorgeous and romantically on the town.
Have a great weekend, lovely to see you back!

Hi Lizzer

You lucky thing, have a lovely time! I would definitely ask your mum first. As mears says, she might be happy to help, but tell her that you have some options as well, so she doesn't feel put upon.

I wonder if your friends would mind coming to your house to look after DD ? She might be happier in her own home, with her familiar toys and places to go - you could leave notes on fave places to go, good parks etc, and the fridge stocked with her favourite foods.

btw, I think your toddler will proably have a fantastic time with these people she knows and likes, when they have a whole weekend to devote to her and no household chores and stuff to do, like mothers always have!

Go for it

Hi Lizzer, I think it's very sensible that you are thinking of your mother. As you say, you don't want the babysitting offers to dry up in the future. Definitely ask her first. I think she'd be hurt if you didn't. But how about saying that you know she's done a lot of extra looking after dd recently, and since your friends have offered to babysit,you feel it would be fairer on her to spread the load.

But this time, because it's a weekend, can she do it. You'll then ask your friends to babysit sometimes when you go out for an evening locally, then she won't feel too burdened.

Whatever happens, hope you enjoy the party - and welcome back. Exams are over now, I take it?

Hi guys thanks for your advice....And as you are asking, pupuce, I am really pleased with the way things are going with my lovely new man. He adores dd and vice versa. Its a very honest and mature relationship (for the first time in my life - YAY!!!)
Anyway I could waffle on further but won't bore you all with details. I know that the ideal answer to babysitting prob is to ask my mum, but I really don't feel that she would understand my motives for leaving dd again for the weekend (I've just been away this weekend - but unfortunately without dp) and I'm seriously considering not telling her that I'm leaving dd at my friends house because I don't think she'd approve of me going away again in two weeks. I'd have to lie and say I was staying there too. This might seem ridiculous to some but things have become a little fraught at home over the past few weeks because she does babysit a lot and I'm aware that I'm really pushing it. The main reason for this is obviously because of dp and the fact that we don't get to spend many nights together because I always have to leave his house and drive home to mum's (where I have been living since having dd) at the end of the night. There's no question of him staying at my mum's house for a multitude of reasons (mainly cos its my parent's house - eeeww!!) So the odd chance I get to spend a weekend or a night with him I jump at (the chance, I mean, not him...well actually...!)
So, its all a bit rubbish in some ways. I want to spend time with him, but don't want to be palming dd off to anyone who will have her... Can I ask if you, yourselves, would leave their 2 1/2 yr old with your friends, out of the area, and out of their own bedroom for two nights?? Be honest because I really am torn down the middle. One half is saying go for it, have a great weekend with dp (huge party planned with, like, everyone there btw!) The other is saying how could you even think about leaving your child, what if she needs me???

PS yes the exams are over and I now feel v lazy, but I'm enjoying it! Don't know when results are posted out though - eek!

Er, pupuce -no, I meant Bloss sorry! (must have something to do with the air of GF you both have around you, he he he )

I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing to leave her with someone other than your mother if you really trust them and your dd likes them. However, I would be worried about leaving my child two weekends in a row. I don't think a very young child will deal well with being left so frequently by their parent, or should have to without very good cause, no matter who it is you are leaving her with. I can imagine how exciting it is to have a new dp, lots of things to go to together etc, but I think that the child needs to take priority over dp and that it would be better if you tried to space social events further apart for your child's sake. This way she could stay with your mum anyway, but also it would be a novelty for her and you wouldn't have to feel bad about leaving her. I don't mean to be harsh, but it does sound as though your mum may have your child's best interests at heart by not wanting to babysit, rather than just being grumpy or unwilling about it. However, I do sympathise as it sounds like it is tricky for you to get to spend quality time with your new dp.

Hi Lizzer - when I worked full-time I had to leave my ds with a child-minder (who had dd of her own) for the best part of 12 hours a day. Eventually CM became extremely good friend and had ds to stay with her and her dd overnight on several occasions. I have also never had the option of having my mum look after ds for long periods as she also worked full-time. Thankfully, she's now retired and enjoying both ds and dd.

My ds has been used to staying with friends for a long time - it's a big adventure. That said, if your dd hasn't spent a night out with your friends before, you should try it out before going to London. Good luck!

Lizzer, I agree with Batters...don't do it if you feel guilty as you will simply have a horrible weekend. leaving a child with other people for two weekends in a row is not a crime. As for leaving her with people other than your mother... this is a very healthy thing to do; its good for her social skills, she will have a wonderful time (probably be spoiled rotten) and you get to do your own thing. I do wonder if lying to your mother is a good idea however, as this could cause all manner of problems. HTH, good to see you back!

Hi Lizzer, good to see you back! I agree with Winnie and Batters, if you are going to feel guilty you will have a miserable time and wish you had never gone. If you trust your friends and dd likes them, why not? But maybe speak to your Mother first, as Tigermoth suggested. It's just one of those things that 2 events have cropped up back to back, you have been working very hard recently with your exams and it's good to have a bit of 'me' (plus dp!) time! You love your dd very much and I'm sure your Mother knows you will always put her first, that's why you are giving this trip so much thought, after all!

(BTW, shall I put my order in then for a 'virtual' hat, tee hee!)

Hi everyone, thanks for your responses again! Just to clarify, I won't be leaving her two weekends in a row because I'm around this weekend, its the one after that I'm going so she hopefully won't feel 'abandoned' in that way, and she is always alright with me when I come back. This will be the third weekend I've been away from her this year - do you think that's excesssive?

I know exactly what you mean about lying to mum though - that's what might be really bothering me more than anything. What if something happened and she didn't know where I was etc. But I feel like I have to justify my every move to her sometimes (well all the time if the truth be told) I would get hassle for wasting too much money, leaving dd, being selfish and on and on if I told her my plans. Its really getting to me because at 27 I feel I should be able to judge what is right for me and my daughter, but because I'm living here I feel they have some kind of control over me -its crazy. (I am planning on moving out at the end of the year btw)
Scottie, I know you're right when you say she has dd's best interests at heart though.

I know I really need to shake the guilt thing too, if I am going to go, you are so right Batters, I will have to get over it to enjoy myself...

btw Jodee - I'd maybe start looking....!!

Ok, a compromise has been reached that I'm far happier with. We are just going to go down for one night rather than two still leaving dd with my friends. I feel much more confident that dd will be fine with this and hopefully even enjoy herself! Dp has been away working all week so I announced that I would prefer it this way on the phone to him and he was totally supportive (as ever, swoon!) It means we only have one night (and prob v little sleep as all night party beckons!) but it'll be fun and worth it I hope.

Have fun