A burnt out mum!

[WS12]

Really I am just after hearing that I'm not the only one/ maybe have a hand hold/ some ideas to help me relax.

Basically cutting a long story short I feel so burnt out from parenting and being a mum. I feel so burnt out emotionally and mentally, I feel that I'm a bit of a rubbish mum at the moment and am very aware of it, like I'm constantly right at the end of what I can manage. The kids drive me insane though I love them so much - I have DS 5 and DD 2 (nearly 3). I live in Australia so my family are in the UK, been here 18 months are still have issues settling though my parents arrive next week for a visit. My DH works full time as a store manager and is generally really supportive of me and a good hubby so I can't moan really.

I just feel that my entire life (I am a teacher but being ASAHM at the min) revolves around washing up, tidying this house that endlessly looks like a shit tip mess, making food for small humans, fetching drinks for small humans, cleaning up the drinks said small humans spill.. breaking up fights and wiping away tears and snotty noses... I can't remember the last time my DH made breakfast or lunch or a meal for me. I feel that I'm lost in a maze of washing, tidying, cooking, running errands, neglecting myself and missing home. All I want to do is sit on the sofa and read my book.... and everything else can go away... it's such a shit mood to be in.

I'm in Australia so we have just survived the summer holidays and my DS who is 5 is back at kinder and will start school next year - but I am now seriously regretting the decision. His kinder teachers thought it'd be good for him (in Australia school start age is very fluid) to have another year to mature but I could do with the break from him. I spend most of my week on my own with the kids with no break apart from my DS 15 hours a week at kinder, and it's really getting to me. I would benefit from working I think just to have the break, but my confidence in this education system is rock bottom, I was fairly new still in the U.K. Never mind a whole new education system I wasn't trained in and the added stress of planning, assessing, marking. Childcare drops offs etc etc. I don't think I have the mental headspace.

Please tell me - what do I need to do to be a better mum? How can I build myself and up and refresh myself? Most days just feel like a real slog from when we get up to bed time. My DS isn't sleeping well either so most days we wake up shattered, he's tired so being a little shit darling and I'm tired out and have no patience for it, chain drinking cups of coffee.

Help! I need out of this hole...

I'm afraid I can't offer you any advice but I feel like I'm burnt out and a bit shit too and I only have one baby who is REALLY well behaved and I don't even work.

So you are a hero compared to me. I just suck

I really feel for you.

Being a mum in a new country is HARD.

Being the primary caregiver to two small, demanding, irrational people is HARD.

The endless housekeeping to manage a home with small children as the sole homemaker is HARD.

Its no wonder you feel shit about things right now, you are waist deep in the most demanding slog of your life.

I don't want to discourage you at all, but feel I must be honest about this; you are going through the hardest years of your life. Its easy to take a step back and say, "They grow up so quickly!" and "Enjoy them while you can!", but when you are IN it, 24/7 it is simply impossible. You are tired, lonely, and frankly, fed up. Just think about this for a moment--things are so crazy, all you want is a chance to READ A BOOK. That's a REALLY basic pleasure in life and you don't have time to even read a book! That's AWFUL to live through!

I've been there. I wanted to enjoy the whole process of raising kids, but they are so so so much hard work when they are under 5. It DOES get better, and you are close to the glorious day you can sit on the couch for more than 5 minutes by yourself. A few years later, you will have a couple hours to yourself, and before you know it, you have YOUR life back.

Your entire life is sitting on the backburner while you care for these little people right now, but every morning you wake up one day closer to a more reciprocal relationship with your children and time to pursue your life goals that is much more enjoyable on a day to day basis.

Its going to be okay, and you ARE a good mom, don't let your dislike of these few crazy years knock your confidence. :-)

Op No advice but just wanted to say you are not alone. I feel the same.

The only thing I would say is make sure you get a small amount of "me time" every day to help you stay sane, even if it means leaving one of the chores. The sky won't fall down if something doesn't get done.

and for you x

Thank you so much everyone, that has really made me feel better 😊 Your encouragement is really appreciated! Gamer I really needed that pep talk thank you for taking the time to type.

One thing I did today - sorry to the environment! - was buy some disposable plates just so I can have a few days with a little less washing up, I'll serve their snacks and sandwiches in then them recycle them, just for the break (LOL!). That might give me an extra 15 minutes to read my book. Yes it's a simple thing in life that is so hard when children are around.

I have takes to my DH tonight and asked is it me? Is it just that I'm not coping being a mum? But he has reassured me the kids can be a nightmare and anyone would go crazy in my position ha ha 🤣 He suggested every now and then on an evening I go for a walk when he gets in, to clear my head, which I thought was nice.

I'll be stuck in tomorrow with them as my DH has the car until middle of the afternoon, but I've got so much to do in my house for my parents coming that I'll just throw myself into things if I struggle tomorrow xxx

I do sometimes feel sorry for my children, I wonder if they'll remember me as a good mum ?

Hey

I had a similar thread last weekend! From the kind responses I learnt that loads of people find it really hard and you are not alone!

Mine are 3 and 10m - I find it really hard and your word of 'slog' is exactly how I feel. Never ending trying to keep up with it! I do work 4 days a week which does save my sanity - I don't k ow the rules about working but is there any chance you could work a few days a week even in a 'stop gap' type job for now?

I think you made the right choice about your DS if that is what the nursery staff have advised. It will be better for him in the long run and you will be glad you did it - be awful if you were dealing with a tiny stressed boy who is finding his school hard cuz you would wish you had done what they advised! I think you are doing the right thing.

@hollowtree - the hardest time in my whole parenting was the first year with my first. I felt out of my depth and very alone. Just because you have one doesn't mean you should find it easy - I found my first one harder mentally than now I have two, I now just have a different type of hard! Your feelings are just as valid.

We are all in this and lots of people find it hard - it is!

X

It's hard work being a parent, especially without a support system. Please cut yourself some slack. Many of us feel like this. Especially at the end of summer holidays.

What stands out for me is your lack of fun. So you either say sod it to some jobs (paper plates are a good example) or find a way to make them easier (like a dishwasher) and you fill that time with fun stuff. For you or them.

I only find smalls bearable by going out every day. It tired them out and just escaped the ground hog day feeling.

Your husband sound supportive - could you go out an evening a week to a book club/meet up? As well as taking him up on that daily walk.

I think your 5 yr old could be starting to help out now - putting his own dirty washing in a basket. Putting clean clothes away. Tidying up his toys. It'll help with that magical maturing year too I'd imagine.

It is tough, and I bet you're doing a good job. Hang in there

I’m in the same boat. Although not in a different country to my family I am the other side of the uk to them. It is relentless and actually very thankless. I want to go back to work too but finding something that fits around the children is a challenge. I can’t even find someone to watch them so I can go to interviews. Are there any local mum groups you can join? Maybe get involved in running one so you have something to get stuck into. A walk each day on your own is a good idea. Or a long bath before bed (that’s what I do a couple of times a week). Hopefully a visit from your parents will give you a lift. Just remember you are not alone in how you feel and sadly it seems like the norm in modern day parenting.

I feel exactly the same!
We moved areas, obviously not as far as Australia but still trying to settle here!
I only have one child (2.5) but I'm pregnant and have such severe spd I'm house bound
All I want is a day off, a full nights sleep and a hair cut! Will never happen tho!
I'm being a shit mum because of it! I know I am!
Glad I'm not the only one feeling abit crap! X

And yes yes yes to the relentlessness of it all
Cleaning, washing, tidying
And repeat
Sometimes it's just too much! And I want to run away 🙈

Honestly I would look into getting back to work ASAP, what do Australian parents do for childcare pre-school? Can you get some appropriate childcare for your children part time? Then return to teaching? The longer you leave it the harder it will be.

Your DH sounds a bit rubbish never making you a meal and offering a 'walk' in the evenings is a bit lame. He should be taking his children for long periods weekends and evenings to give you headspace.

By not working you are leaving yourself in vulnerable position in a foreign country. Your husband already sounds like he's getting a bit comfy with the SAHM set up.

Raising two kids alone is hard. You don't have to completely sacrifice your own needs as you are doing.

I’d say go out every day
Go to the park, find some kids groups or activities
Meet some mums
And then you’ll have friends to talk to while the kids all play together.
Go to the library, if there are people in your street with kids go and knock on the door and say hello and invite them for coffee.
We moved to the country and I had to find pals for the kids so that’s what I did.

I know it sounds a bit mad but you need pals to make life more bearable.

And in going out every day the house stays tidy, you come home with tired kids who might nap or at least sleep better.

Is there a pool you can go to? Swimming is great for tiring them out.
If not get a paddling pool in the garden and let them splash about.

Find Things you can do inside to occupy them - Lego, colouring, playdoh and then sit nearby with your book and say mmhmm great work guys every few mins!

My husband and me have reached an agreement and once a week we can go out and the other one stays with the baby. I usually go and have dinner with a friend, and even though I absolutely adore my baby, it is very nice to have some me time. It is also good to keep in touch with friends that have no kids, so sometimes you can talk about other things other than kids stuff and mummy talk..
It is wonderful being a mum but I think that when that's all there is in your head it can be a bit intense!