Feel so overwhelmed

[lazyemma]

Hello everyone. Don't know why I'm posting this really, I think I'm just looking for reassurance that what I'm feeling is at least relatively normal and will eventually go away.

I've got a beautiful 2 week old daughter. She's not a "difficult" baby particularly (in my very limited experience) - she's got a lovely generally contented disposition, she cries but not endlessly, she loves cuddles and seems easily soothed most of the time. Evenings are challenging because she's v. wakeful and fractious - won't sleep but too restless to be happily awake either, and this is when she'll be most tearful and often quite distressed. But from what I've read, that isn't particularly out of the ordinary.

My problem is that I just feel very overwhelmed by everything to do with learning how to be a mum. I feel this enormous weight of responsibility for this new little person I've brought into the world. I'm worried all the time about whether I'm making the right decisions. I'm formula feeding (I had a breast reduction 2 years ago, I know BF is possible afterwards, but I was worried about milk supply and I've got long-standing issues with my breasts anyway) and I'm berating myself about not having at least tried breastfeeding and whether she'll get ill because of me.

I've also started to use a dummy to help settle her when she's tired but still restless - she'll root away for ages, even after a feed, and will grizzle and cry lots when she can't find something to put in her mouth. I've tried feeding her in case she's still hungry but she's not. I did a lot of reading on how a dummy can be really helpful for exactly these situations, so long as used carefully and not as an automatic response, but I never thought I'd use a dummy. I feel I'm taking the easy way out, that I should be reading her needs better and finding some other way of meeting them.

Basically, in lots of ways I feel I'm letting my daughter down and I'm not meeting my own expectations of how I would be as a mum. I feel anxious a lot, and quite depressed especially in the evenings. In the mornings I feel really positive - today I took B (my daughter) on our first proper outing in the car to the supermarket, and it went fine, and I was really proud of myself afterwards. But as the day draws on I get more and more worried about what the evening will bring and how I'll cope. And this weekend my husband is going away for 3 days on a stag do (unavoidable, it's his brother's) and I don't know how I'll cope for all that time on my own.

I feel like I don't want to bang on about this to anyone RL (apart from my husband, who has tried to reassure me but I feel like he's just placating the nutter) because I don't want people worrying about me, and I'm a bit embarassed to be honest - I've heard of babies that never seem to sleep, that are always crying - I've been lucky by comparison so part of me feels like I'm being extra rubbish by feeling like this.

I just want this weird time to pass - I still feel very fumbling and inadequate, like I don't really know what I'm doing. It still takes me fricking ages to put a sleep suit on because I'm scared I'll break her fingers. I want to feel more confident and less on edge all the time. I don't think I'm seriously depressed but I am very emotionally raw and seem to spend a lot of time bawling my eyes out.

I dunno what I'm asking really. Just if anyone else has ever felt like this, and how you got through it - was it just time, or was there some kind of watershed moment?

Message withdrawn

Hi lazyemma, I read your post quickly because I have to dash out but you are a typical new mum. It's all overwhelming at first, you think they'll break, you're doing it wrong, you feel guilt like you never knew existed over things you can't control and it's all emotional and stressful and no one understands.

We all do, we've all been there and some are there right now.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal.

I'll be back in an hour after picking up my little baby girl (oops she's now 8) from Brownies. Someone else will be along soon though.

Kbear

Ooh, lots of sympathy and empathy for you. Most of it sounds normal and as if you might be expecting too much of yourself. Can someone stay with you when your husband is away?
My husband once took 25 minutes to put dd1's sleepsuit on in hospital when I had to go back in when she was 2 weeks old and eventually I heard him calling the nurse "erm, I think I've broken her arm" - obviously he hadn't, but they do make you feel like this big galumping oaf sometimes when they're so small and delicate. I think it gets better gradually and there will always be something to worry about. I don't think you're letting her down by not breastfeeding, either.

She is only 2 weeks old. What you are feeling is totally normal. For the first few weeks after my DD was born I was an emotional wreck. I was not unhappy as such but I was so sensitive and edgy. I would cry at the drop of a hat.

I had done NCT classes and of the 8 of us in the class no one was spared this stage. In fact I think I got off lightest. Until our babies were about 4-6 weeks old none of us were our normal selves.

It is not surprising really. Not only are your hormones going crazy but for the first time in your life you are totally responsible for another human life. Your whole life has changed totally. It will take a while to adjust. But adjust you will. My DD is 8 months now and I have loved this last year more than any other time in my life.

Obviously if you still feel bad in a few weeks. Or you start to feel worse. Then go to your GP to check for PND. But at the moment I think you are going through a normal stage.

Do you have anyone who can come and stay when you DH is away? Your mum or a friend? My mum died but when my DH went away for a week when DD was very small my best friend stayed and that was lovely.

Good luck.

totally normal, for the first time in your life you have someone who is totally dependent on you to survive and the love you feel for her is so overpowering that you are terrified of doing anything that will hurt her. plus throw in the fact that your hormones will still be all over the place its not surprising that you feel the way you do.

you just have to remember that as her mum you do know best, and thats with or without experience. you gave her a dummy to keep her content, so why stress about it, it could still be a touch of the "baby blues" totally normal and nothing to do with pnd.

try and enjoy the time alone with her when dh is away, who cares what the house looks like if you have make up on etc, just enjoy getting to know your baby better.

totally agree with others - this is absolutely normal. i don't think i know anyone who hasn't felt the same in the first few weeks. Can't believe you've managed an outing already!! you sound like you're doing a brilliant job.

Yes its definitely normal - but I do feel for you, I remember those first few weeks really clearly - feeling anxious and tearful all the time.

Time does help - someone told me it gets better every day and I didn't believe them at the time because it didn't feel like it, but looking back it did gradually get easier.

I was also against using a dummy but found it a life saver! Sometimes babies do just want something to suck - I alternated between the dummy and my little finger. Like you say, as long as you're checking she's not hungry or anything first then its just a comfort for her. I tended to sometimes use it in the evenings (when they have their fractious times!) and found after about 2 months he grew out of it and prefered his thumb.

My watershed moment was when I started going to baby yoga - partly because it helped me and my baby to relax and partly because I met other mums who were feeling exactly the same anxieties.

Take care of yourself - I promise it definitely gets easier.

YES this is NORMAL

It passes in time - well it lessens in time and your brain switches into Mummy mode which helps you cope but also is a bit depressing sometimes because you find you can't actually do crosswords anymore although you know all the sources of protein that your child has eaten for the last 7 days

2 weeks you are JUST BEGINNING and it's REALLY REALLY HARD

It's the hardest transition EVER

be kind to yourself

You will grow into it - and babies get easier

oh LE - my DD is 7 months and I could of written your post.
I found MN and didn't believe it when people said it gets better, but I promise, hand on heart it does.
I remember feeling so pissed off that no one had told me how hard the first 6 weeks are (the first 2 I found the toughest)
I made myslef take a walk each day - that helped (and still does) so much.
Yes you are normal, yess it will pass - I would love to say it goes overnight but I found that I just started to have more good days.

HTH and congrats on your little girl.

I also used a dummy and have never looked back

MP put it perfectly - you grow into it.

I think I actually grieved the loss of who I had been and embrace becoming a mum.
That sounds so hippy crap but now I'm the happiest I have ever been.

That's not to say we don't all have bad days and need an ice cold glass of white at the end of the day

thanks so much for all your speedy replies, everyone. I think I might have to save this thread for future reference! It's reassuring to know what I'm feeling isn't unusual.

I do have a friend coming over on the Saturday. I was kind of dreading even her visit to be honest. We've had lots of visitors over the past two weeks, and I've found them quite draining - the scrutiny, the same questions each time - but she knows I'm on my own so hopefully she'll be understanding.

ArtichokeTagine: I'm sorry to hear about your mum - my husband's mum died suddenly two months ago and he's been finding that he's missing her even more now that her grandchild (who she would have adored) is here.

Reading your post just brought the first few weeks with my dd (now 2.3) rushing back in full technicolour, particularily the feeling weepy in the evening and dreading the night ahead. You sound like a lovely, caring mum and it IS bloody bloody hard work at first, physically and emotionally, when you have your first baby. It is a life change like no other, and will take some getting used to. As others have said, EVERYTHING you are describing is completely normal. You are right, it is a 'weird time', but it will pass (slowly, I'm afraid) but you will never have to go through it again thankfully!!

Do you have any friends with babies? Best advice I can give is to try and see other people during the day and try not to isolate yourself too much...

Honestly, in a few months you'll find in so much easier!!

oh yes visits are AWFUL

you really want to minimise them and spend as much time as possible in bed with baby

With a friend, try and get the baby out maybe in a sling for a walk, so you can talk normally instead of rushing around

Agree, at this stage, this all sounds totally normal. Hormones, a whole new way of life etc. Try to get some fresh air every day, I found this lightened my mood considerably and if you don't have rellies nearby, join a post natal group or ask the hv if there's any nearby groups. I would chuck your books tho', I found reading them just made me feel inadequate and gave me more (not less) to worry about. And to put the dummy thing into perspective, think about it this way, your dd is not likely to be reliant on a dummy at the age of 12, so try not to beat yourself up about it. You sound like you're doing a grand job.

I only let close family visit for first 6 weeks - I was hermit woman.

Meant to say - not hippy crap at all, Gibbon. It has occurred to me that part of what I'm feeling is to do with mourning the loss of my old way of life, and just looking after number one all the time.

Thanks again, everyone, for taking the trouble to respond: I wish I could reply to all your posts properly but I'm going to try for a short sleep now.

excellent idea - get some rest

And don't be hard on yourself - you have done an amazing thing giving birth you know

Absolutely totally normal. I still get days when things get on top of me and DD is 8 months. I too worried and worried about the dummy, everyone told me not to, it didn't make any difference I still worried. Now I don't worry about it at all. I can't believe I worried that much tbh but only the benefit of hindsight allows you that.

You are doing a fantastic job, it will get easier. While your DH is away make sure you have lots of food, treats and DVD's in. curl up on the sofa, eat chocolates and cuddle your DD and co sleep to make night times a bit easier for you.

Good luck.

As everyone has said this is par for the course and it does get better. It's such an enormous responsibility we've let ourselves in for and we spend so much time concentrating on the birth that what happens next isn't always considered. You're doing a fantastic job - look after yourself and try and keep a sense of humour. I realised things were getting out of hand a couple of weeks in (ds is now 11 months) when I found myself worrying that he'd want to join the army and how I'd protect him if he was sent on active service lol! (I hadn't even left hospital when I decided he couldn't have a motor bike). Hang in there

Anxiety, misery, doubts, crying, guilt. Lazyemma, don't you worry. Having a baby is one of the biggest life changing experiences ever. It's not surprising you're feeling pretty challenged to say the least. It is a time of huge uncertainties and you feel like you're fumbling in the dark a lot of the time. You're doing just fine. Just use that as your mantra.

I'm a mother of a 4 week old and a 2 year old. Last night I was in bed reading a book on sibling rivalry and I looked over at my DH in bed too and he too was reading a book on child rearing!

Babies seem so fragile and dependent - they're a lot more robust than we give them credit for.

They need love and attention. It sounds to me like you're doing particularly well as a new mum. Give yourself a break! And come on MN and post any doubts or queries.

As everyone else has said: IT IS NORMAL. Don't feel bad - come and join us on MN. There will be a post-natal group for you to slot right into, and the rest of us are here to lend an ear / offer advice whenever you need it.

i remember feeling the same when ds was born too, it is overwhelming with not only your child but the endless stream of visitors, while you really want to show your baby off you also crave for the visitors to visit briefly or not at all. Maybe you could mention to your friend that you have had a lot of visitors lately so would she mind just calling round for 1/2hr/hr this time till you & the baby are more settled.

i think sleep is the best thing you can do when your baby is sleeping or a lie on your bed with a book. Going for a walk & getting some fresh air is a great way to feel better, you'll meet new people/mums.
when you're feeling upto to it it's nice to join a mother & baby/toddler group to make new friends.

ds was very collicky in the evenings too have you tried infacol/gripe water, i remember saying to my dad 'how much longer will he be suffering with this for' and before you know it it has passed.