It has dawned on me we are too soft with ds, how would you handle this in your house?

[DrNortherner]

Ds is 5. He is on smiley face report at school for boisterous behaviour. He has mostly good days now, but today was a bad day.

He thumped a boy in the playground, at at story time wrestled a girl to the ground in the book corner

Normally I would chat to him, I would tell him I was cross. It wasn't nice blah blah blah. No TV before bed. He would get a story and lots of cuddles/kisses.

Collegue said he should be in bed at 6pm, firm talking to, no bedtime story, no cuddles and mummy and daddy should be very angry.

What would you do?

Not what your collegue would do.

I would probably ban tv or something else they liked until their behaviour improved, but definatly would not stop cuddles etc.

I would do no TV, give a talking to and leave it at that.
I would point out the behaviour I expected and that if we had a repeat of today, it would mean no TV and no bedtime story.

5 is still quite young and if this smiley face report is quite new, he needs to get used to how it works.

Smiley face report

Don't stop cuddles

Don't have a lovely sit down and chat about it either. That's not a punishment, it's a reward. Give him a good bollocking, make sure he feels ashamed of himself for hitting, then drop it.

I agree with kid's suggestion. 5 does seem very young...

your colleague sounds like a poor parent

You could discuss how he felt when he did these things, and what else he could have done.

I think tv before bed is a bad idea on any night but I would certainly not ban the bedtime story or cuddles.

I have had probs recently with 8yo dd which we're touch wood coming out of now. Don't know if this helps you but here's our scenario: atm she is mouthy, full of attitude, even RUDE to her teacher, and uncharacteristically nasty to her little brother age 3. This is a shock and very upsetting; has been going on for about 6 months; previously she was everyone's idea of a golden daughter - beautiful, clever, popular, good company, affectionate etc.

Teacher and I have been liasing (on top of everything she has been making zero effort at school too) and tbh pussyfooting around her, trying to coax her into better behaviour with lots of "carrots". Nothing worked until teacher lost her temper - her admission not my gloss on it - and we have seen a real sea change...

Maybe short sharp shock is the way to go ?

fgs no cuddles? that's a terrible idea. You should never give a child the idea that you only love them if they're good - it's a recipe for problems later on.

at 5 he's still a bit young to fully appreciate cause and effect with this kind of thing. I would go with your strategy.

Should have added "but NEVER end the day without a cuddle". Sharp shock yes, but lack of love and affection, no.

I would not stop cuddles either.
But I would be very serious and absolutely consistent on pulling up unnacceptable behaviour and praising good.

I would never make a single excuse or allowance, never let anything cheeky or rough get through, however funny or mischievous or 'no victim present' it might be.

I might have an equivalent of the chart at home, for single issue behaviour (by that i mean 'sitting still at the table' or 'not shouting chheky things at mummy' - whatever causes a problem) - DS is 5 and whenever we did star charts it alway worked best for single issue things, not general 'being good'.

So if you 'chat' about bad behaviour at school make it serious and uncompromising - but once it is over, resume affectionate good-tempered normaility.

consequences.....if he ever hits in front of you, leave wherever you are immediately, calmly explaining why 'if you hit people then we can't stay here, you have hurt that person so I have to take you away from them'....this includes legoland/place he really wants to be etc.

coupled with giving him words for his feelings 'you must be feeling really frustrated and angry'. and injunctions to 'use his words' and tons and tons of praise when he does use his words for eg when he is in a really bad mood and shouts 'I don't want to do that!' say, it is good that you used your words rather than lashing out.

I would agree with alot of what your colleague has said. I would be so cross. infact would do all they have said put to bed early to get the message across. BUT after child has calmed down would definately cuddle and end the night with normal kisses and hugs. They need to know you are serious. My older sister big age gap between us kids are now practically grown up. would have been very talk it all through with her boys no boundaries. Some quote 'I know you're feeling frustrated etc..' I'm sorry if folks don't agree but kids need to know boundaries. We are the adults we are the ones incharge.

I agree with Blu with regard to being consistent in your treatment of his behaviour, and that any chats should be serious, no-nonsense ones, not cosy and comfortable ones. And definitely return back to normal, affectionate behaviour afterwards.

Your colleague's approach would be likely to leave your son feeling that it's him you don't like, not his behaviour, and that's not what you want him to feel.

you can't not cuddle

i'd go with Blue

What is the trigger for this behaviour? Is it that he is reacting out of anger (and therefore needs to learn other mechanisms for dealing with his anger rather than lashing out)? Or is it that he does not understand the social boundaries - that you cannot be that physical with other children especially at school? Also how is the school dealing with the incident? I'd probably consider all these factors before just getting tougher.

That said I've followed some of your posts (ds1 is also somewhat boisterous!), and I suspect that some of the issue is that behavious that you have sometimes found charming or cheeky at home is very different when reflected back in class.

Do you have playdates with other boys from school and if so how have those gone?

I'd probably do serious bollocking immediately - lots of eye contact and stern/harsh voice. 5 minutes in his room as punishment + 1 other-type punishment (for ds1 it would be a coin out of his jar - the ultimate punishment..!), but then drop it and of course stories and cuddles at bedtime. Bedtime is far enough removed from after school that it would be unfair to carry on being cross and punishing him.

I think Sophables 'use your words' is very good, too.

half teacher head on and half mum head on here

I thikn 5 is too young for a smiley face report chart. ds1 is almost 5 and likes the stiickers for a day or two and then it loses any effect.

Defintely still do cuddles - a good time to talk about what he was feeling like when he did the punching/wrestling. Are there any trigger points for him? SOunds to me like he finds more unstructured school stuff more tricky. Does he enjoy his playtimes? Worth asking him - it might be something he finds really tricky? Does he play well at school? Is it worth giving him a specific activity to do at playtime? EG today at play time you will do a 5 minute job for mrs x then go out for 10 minutes and play with X with such and such piece of equipment. Maybe he needs it a bit more structured?

sit with him and list some of the specifics about what 'bening good' at school means.

eg I sit on the carpet and keep my hands to myself etc etc. Make them all things to 'do' rather than 'not do' iyswim.

Decide with the teacher the main trigger times and break them down into stages and tackle one thing at a time.

'Being good' is overwhelming to little ones - especially when school has a whole new set of rules to home.

hth

Thanks guys, esp popsy, that is a very useful post.

I hadn't thought about what the triggers are tbh, but it could be non structured parts of the day. Issues normally arise at playtime, I know he likes to play with the bigger boys, and there could well be an element of them egging him on.

He is very energetic and very confident, sometimes bordering on arrogance I worry. He's very impulsive and is always ready to fight his own corner should he feel wronged, if he has been punched, kicked or shoved.

At 5, I was very eager to please my teachers and would have been so upset if they had been cross with me. With ds this appears to have no effect.

We had a very firm chat last night, he had no pudding after dinner and went to be half an hour earlier sobbing his little heart out.

Lets hope today is a better day.

how has today gone northerner?

DR Northerner it is very hard to get the right balance. I think i am too hard on my girls sometimes. I need to take a leaf from other people's book and talk things through more. ON the other hand she is always asked back for play dates and tea and everyone comments on how well mannered and behaved she is. Then i think yes that is good but she is a pleaser too. Well I don't want her to be pleasing everyone I want her to be true to herself. Definately not easy.

HOpe today went better for you too

im wihtthe harsh mate
he is being really naughty! on report?
ooh yes.

Well yesterday was a much better day, he got smileys faces accross the board on his chart.

Teacher said he was pulling chairs out for girls, letting people go before him in line and generally being nice and kind to his class mates.

So I know he is capable of it. He just needs to learn the bounderies.

He is a lively, energetic little boy with a magentic personality (his teachers words) everyone at school wants to play with him, sit next to him etc etc, but sometimes he goes a bit to far.

I am pleased for you Dr north... you must have been really proud when teacher said that