2 year age gap- feel so guilty and low

[Mrsharper88]

Hello, I’m new on here. I’m sorry if this topic has already been covered but I’m feeling so so low.

My DS is now 18months, it took us a year and half of ttc before I finally fell pregnant with him. We knew we wanted a second child and that it could take years, so we decided to start trying last month and I discovered last week I am pregnant.

This is a horrible thing to say but I am absolutely devastated. My DS is still a baby and needs me. I feel like my stupid selfish actions are going to damage him emotionally as he won’t get the attention he needs and deserves. He still wakes in the night and gets so jealous if anyone else comes near me. I have not stopped crying, I feel like the most terrible person in the world because it’s all my fault that he will suffer.

I don’t have anyone I can talk to, my friends who have children all have big age gaps and I know they will think DS is too young. DP doesn’t understand what I’m upset about.

I’m just looking for some way to feel better about it. For someone to say I did the right thing. Someone to give me positive stories of how a 2.2 age gap can work and not damage the older sibling. Anyone that can make me feel better for doing it now rather than waiting.

I know that is also very selfish but I don’t know what else to do as I feel the lowest I think I’ve ever felt.

Really hope someone can help x

[Haffdonga]

I'm glad you're going to your GP. That sounds sensible.

Like you I'm an only child and really didn't want my ds to be an only. Lo and behold ds2 arrived 2.2 years later. It's been blooming fantastic. They're both adult now and really close friends. Close enough for them to really enjoy each other's company but far enough apart for you not to be dealing with 2 babies or teens at the same age/ stage.

Of course they argued. Of course it was bloody hard work having a toddler and a baby but especially from my point of view as an only, seeing their joy in each other's company I'd say it's the perfect age gap. Enjoy

[GreenRut]

Op I have 3, and each new one has been 2 years younger than the last. It's fine! I think you're over worrying.

[mamahanji]

My dd1 was 2.5 when I had dd2. At around 10 months, things got a lot easier as they started to play together! Now I have 3.8 and 14 months and it's usually great. They play together a lot. Yh the older one gets annoyed sometimes that the younger one doesn't always play along perfectly, but all in all they play really well together or next to each other.

I really struggled emotionally with the change. I felt horribly guilty for my older daughter that she suddenly had to wait more and share me and I felt horribly guilty for my younger daughter that she didn't get the undivided constant attention my older one did.

It got easier. The guilt faded. And seeing them play together and how much they love each other is the best feeling for me.

[Movablefeast]

Aside from you your children will form their own relationship and it will be the most amazing thing to behold. My eldest absolutely loved her little sis when she was born. The only time she got jealous and angry was when her db came along as # 3. At 5 she seemed to comprehend that I woukd be very busy with him. But she is very close to her two siblings.

The way I always saw it when a new baby comes along is you throw them in the family pot and then stir and stir and get a new mixture. Everything changes when you get a new family member and everyone readjusts. But noone can imagine life without their siblings.

I think OP you may want to take some time to think about and investigate what siblings bring to each other's lives and it will help you cope emotionally.

[Chienrouge]

20 month age gap here. Found out I was pregnant with DD2 just before DD1’s first birthday. Wasn’t planned... I was on the pill! Anyway, I felt similarly to you (not quite so extreme) when I found out. I felt like DD1’s baby hood was going to be cut short and her life would be ruined.
They’re 4 and 2.5 now and it’s lovely. They’re best friends. They basically just don’t know any different, they’ve always had each other. We had some tough points in the first 6 months as we were so exhausted, but that’s a distant memory now.

[teaandbiscuitsforme]

21mo gap here

2 years is such a normal age gap. Your friend has not been supportive saying you should have a bigger gap- to me it's more awkward and the younger one would have to be dragged to even more inappropriate stuff because of the older one. At least I know I've got plenty of years when they'll both like soft play, both want to go to a farm/the zoo/the park where ever without one wanting to go to soft play whilst the other wants to go rock climbing!

You'll get fine. Congratulations!!

[Notonthestairs]

17 months between my children. It was hard work but lovely. One of the pros is that it makes day trips, holidays, cinema etc a lot easier as they have similar interests.

They really don't know life without each other. We were looking at baby photos recently and my DS kept asking where his sister was on some of the very early photos, he was stunned when I explained she didn't exist then!

[thedayismine]

I have a 2 year 2 month gap between mine I can honestly say it's been wonderful and although yes at times it's hard with a newborn and a two year old I had nothing to compare it to so just muddled through . My two as others have said are the best of friends and my eldest never once showed any sign of resentment towards her baby brother.
We did read up on here for top tips for managing - and really played up being a big sister to the eldest - she loved being made a fuss of.
Incredibly unhelpful of people to tell you
The gap is too small - I knew loads of people with smaller gaps and so I knew it was doable.
Actually i am sure there are pros and cons but several friends worried about bigger gaps and juggling a newborn and a school child is probably tough at times too !

[DesertSky]

Hi OP. I kinda felt like you when I discovered I was pregnant the second time round. The pregnancy was planned and very much wanted, but I was surprised to fall pregnant so quick and I remember having feelings of guilt and thinking my ‘baby’ would no longer have my undivided attention. I shouldn’t have worried. There’s 2.5 years difference between my boys and they are as thick as thieves. My firstborn adored his little brother, even before he was born. I think it really helped that I tried to get him involved as much as possible, ie with the nursery and encouraging him to talk to the baby in mummy’s tummy. As for myself, I wondered if I would feel the same love again and this is what I learnt - your heart is not divided when you have more children - it actually grows! It literally felt like my heart doubled in size when I had my second. Same again for my 3rd baby! Relax and enjoy this pregnancy and please don’t feel guilty. You still have 8 months of precious one to one time with your eldest, and he was still always remain your ‘baby’. Believe me my firstborn 10 year old still is! xx

[Movablefeast]

BTW although my eldest was a very early walker and talker # 2 was doing tons of stuff at an earlier age than her sister as she just copied her! For example walking up to the top of a slide and coming down at the park, I remember a bunch of mothers with their children looking horrified at how tiny she was. I asked them if they had more than one child and if course they were a group with a PFB because they met while pregnant with their first. I told them #2 is a totally different experience, they watch and learn so much from their sibling. She is still fearless to this day and very competitive. So you may find they become partners in crime even earlier than you expect!

[Curlywurlyquerly]

18 months between DD1 and DS1. 2 years between DS1 and DD2. Perfect age gaps

[DigitalGhost]

2 years seems like the perfect gap. We're aiming to start trying when our daughter is around 18 month.
Just think how close they could end up being and 2 is old enough for them to be helpful in a cute way!

[DigitalGhost]

Also forgot to say me and my brother are 13 month apart and he is without a doubt one of my best friends.

[MargaretCabbage]

I remember this feeling so well. I have a 20 month gap. I was really keen to have a second baby but as soon as I was pregnant I was hit with huge guilt and got quite upset.

In all honesty I found the whole pregnancy difficult, I struggled with sickness and PGP and wasn’t very much fun for my toddler, which made me feel worse.

They’re now 3 and 1.5 and the gap was absolutely the right one. There were times where it felt like the older one was losing out while I was dealing with the younger one and vice versa, but they gain so much from having a sibling. My three year old says his little sister is his best friend and she’s the funniest person he knows, and she absolutely worships him. They’re both very good at sharing, and very caring children and I think that’s because of each other. They come up with their own funny little games, and they cuddle, and it’s just the best to watch their relationship develop.

It is hard, and you will feel lots of guilt about everything, but I think that’s true of everything in parenting, but it will all work out.

[windchimesabotage]

2 years is a lovely gap dont feel bad! They will benefit so much from each other with a gap that small. Theres a chance they will be very close and altho it may be hard when they are both small you really have done a great thing for them giving them an opportunity to have a close bond.

[BeesAndChiscuits]

OP congratulations on your pregnancy I have found a 2-year gap excellent for all sorts of reasons: the children can do activities together as they’re at a similar stage, they are far enough apart not to be directly competing at school and at sports but close enough to be friends. My eldest was still little when his brother was born but he’s still my baby even now. He wasn’t at all neglected when ds2 came along, and I had enough love for the both of them. Good luck with the pregnancy and birth

[tinygirlsmum]

Smaller gap than that between my sibling and me and it's great! I'm the older one and we're best friends. I wanted a small gap between my children but now I have 1 I don't think I'm ready for another and feel guilty that my child won't have a sibling very close in age

[waterrat]

Op imagine yourself in about 2 years time sitting back with a glass of wine ..while they actually..play with each other! Its so amazing and brilliant when they begin to chase and giggle and hide together.....

[Lucked]

21 month gap and watching them play is great. It makes holidays easier too because they want to do the same things. I am one of 4 and there is 2 years roughly between us all and most of my friends have a siblings within a few years of them. I think it is more common than not.

DS did find it difficult for a short time when I came home, he was in a bit of a huff and wanted DH all the time. It did hurt but it passed quickly, it might not happen but prepare yourself and try to not stress and ride it out.

[SmellyHead]

19 month age gap and they are the best of best friends. I wouldn't have it any other way. Congratulations!

[MyOtherProfile]

Interesting that you are an only child. Me too. I always wanted at least 2 as well. Your first child will gain so much from having a sibling as PP have already said. They will have company, a playmate, someone to argue with and learn about dealing with conflict. They may not get your undivided attention any more but they will have lots of attention from their sibling.

[Ledkr]

Sometimes you feel like that.
I had a 9 year age gap and felt very sad when I found I was pg as it had always been just me and dd and I was worried I'd not have that anymore.
My sister had it with her 2 year age gap too.

[ellesbellesxxx]

My brother is 2.4 years younger and apparently from the minute I met him I adored him. we used to play together all the time and I would say he is a buddy now

[ellesbellesxxx]

Congratulations:)

[Sweetpotatoaddict]

I’ve got a 20 month gap and occasionally I wonder if it was the right decision, but I wouldn’t change it. They are now 3 and 1.5, they adore each other and play together.
In the early days I worried the youngest wasn’t getting attention. I did make a conscious decision to keep the eldest in nursery one day a week and took the baby to the same classes as my first. The first few months were tough but we have two loving happy sharing children, it’s what makes them.
If your feelings continue as strongly have a chat with your midwife, gp or health visitor.
I will never forget the night when dc2 was a few weeks old, dc1 was brought home by my parents and I could hear him shouting mummy, daddy and dc2 name as he came up the path. He had called her “baby” until then, he obviously had accepted her and she was just as important as mummy and daddy.
Congratulations