2 year age gap- feel so guilty and low

[Mrsharper88]

Hello, I’m new on here. I’m sorry if this topic has already been covered but I’m feeling so so low.

My DS is now 18months, it took us a year and half of ttc before I finally fell pregnant with him. We knew we wanted a second child and that it could take years, so we decided to start trying last month and I discovered last week I am pregnant.

This is a horrible thing to say but I am absolutely devastated. My DS is still a baby and needs me. I feel like my stupid selfish actions are going to damage him emotionally as he won’t get the attention he needs and deserves. He still wakes in the night and gets so jealous if anyone else comes near me. I have not stopped crying, I feel like the most terrible person in the world because it’s all my fault that he will suffer.

I don’t have anyone I can talk to, my friends who have children all have big age gaps and I know they will think DS is too young. DP doesn’t understand what I’m upset about.

I’m just looking for some way to feel better about it. For someone to say I did the right thing. Someone to give me positive stories of how a 2.2 age gap can work and not damage the older sibling. Anyone that can make me feel better for doing it now rather than waiting.

I know that is also very selfish but I don’t know what else to do as I feel the lowest I think I’ve ever felt.

Really hope someone can help x

[foodiefil]

Xx

[Mrsharper88]

Thank you- perhaps my hormones have made me oversensitive too. I appreciate you responding x

[foodiefil]

I think that was me, sorry for using the word bizarre. You're right it wasn't supportive. I know hormones can have a big effect. Hope you don't feel so guilty for much longer. It's a good age gap. They will be best of friends.

[Mrsharper88]

Wow I never expected to get so many positive lovely messages. Thank you all. I’m touched you have taken the time to reply to my crazy hormonal message - and it has made me feel much better. I’m still very wobbly when I look at DS but I remember the advice and experience you have all shared and it’s getting me through.

Also to the poster who called my reaction “bizarre”, I don’t think that’s a very helpful or supportive thing to say. While I admit my reaction might be extreme, bizarre implies I’m crazy which isn’t nice and other users have shared that they have in some way felt the same so I don’t think it is bizarre.

I am so glad I posted on here. Thank you mumsnet users for helping me x

[booboobutt]

18 months apart here and my two are brilliant together! They look after each other, they love each other. They are currently (at 3 and 4 years old) chasing each other around the house dressed up as cats.

It was hard for the first year but they didn't miss out, they still got plenty of attention and love.

[help1978]

We have one and cant have anymore but I just wanted to say that I have a few friends and family who had similar age gap and made it through. Some even thought their babies would hate a newbie in the family as quite clingy/territorial but all adjusted much better than initially thought x

[MacNcheese87]

2 years 2 months difference here. Honestly great having a small age gap, they are now 10 and 8. They play together, they're super close, all they've ever really known is each other. No worrying about having to share me because at 2.2 years, they're still young enough not to hold any grudges.

Having the 2 year gap means they're interested in the same things, I can take them to the same play areas/watch the same films/do the same activities. (DS2 wears a lot of DS1s hand me downs so it would save me money if I wasn't buying more expensive stuff because I know it will be worn twice 😉)

I also have a baby. So 8 and 10 years age gap. Whole different kettle of fish. They dote over her, but they're not interested in CBeebies or ball pits.

There's positives for both. But overall, having them closer is better IMO because it very much feels like starting all over again just as I was gaining my freedom back.

[ladystarkers]

Its a great age gap!

[iMatter]

My boys are 12 months apart.

Very hard to begin with (ds1 was an em section which didn't help) but an absolute breeze after a while.

Best friends, always someone to hang with who has similar interests/capabilities.

They are 12 and 13 now and although they do bicker sometimes I would not change it for the world.

[Pinky333777]

It's fine! You're capable of handling more than one child at a time.
I'm planning a year age gap for number 2 and again for number three, all going well (unless baby 2 are twins - which I secretly hope for!)
I think it's wonderful when siblings grow up together close in age x

[fulltimeworkingmotherof4]

My middle 2 girls are 11 months apart; now 9&8. It was hard when they were babies but now they’re the best of friends. The older one likes her own space now and then but the younger one is always lost without the older one. Love it that they have each other to be with. My sister was 2 years younger than me, we were close, sadly she passed away last year. Still miss her everyday.
2 years is perfect, I literally shit myself when I found out I was pregnant and had a 2montn old

[Screaminginsideme]

I could have written this! It took over a year to conceive dc and then almost first try with the next one and I was so upset I cried. My h didn’t understand why I wasn’t happy. I spoke to lots of people about how I was ever going to love another child the way I loved my first. My second pregnancy was complicated so there was a risk of still birth and I mental prepares for not having a baby which meant I took a while to bond with baby. The toddler years are hard but things are much easier now and believe me when I say you can love them both and you aren’t going to ruin you first child life. It will be okay I promise!

[Lennythelion14]

My eldest are 18 months apart. I did feel worried that i wouldn't have enough love, time etc for two and i thought i might damage him by him not being the only one for several years but i found my love and time stretched to two. I would have baby in a sling while i played with him and as they got older (toddlers) they had similar interests and could do similar activities.they adore each other and eldest has no memory of being an only one,so has never felt hard done by. Please talk to your health visitor or midwife. They should be able to help.

[Spam88]

There's 2.5 years between me and my brother. All of my friends have siblings who were 2 school years older than them. I think it's a pretty typical age gap?

[Givemestrengthorgin]

2 years is great age gap for the kids. He will still have you but also the added benefit of a little brother or sister to play with and he will of course be the very important big brother that gets to teach baby everything! My DS has thrived on having a sibling just 2 years younger. It's definitely benefited him, certainly not a detriment.

[VioletCharlotte]

I have a 21 month age gap between my two, it's absolutely fine! I think 2 years 2 months is pretty normal.

[SockUnicorn]

@Mrsharper88 theres less than 2 years between my DDs. my eldest was very dependant on me and my little shadow. When I brought her sister home from the hospital she ignored us both for a few days. But she got over it. Now, many years on, they are best friends. two (very different) halves of one whole and need one another. They refuse to sleep in their own bedrooms and end up together. It makes days out easier, they share friends and they have very similar interests. Also they love that they get bigger "joint" christmas gifts some years if they want a console for example.

Your new baby is a blessing and you are giving your DC a best friend for life.

[madeyemoodysmum]

2 years in fine. Mine are 2 years and 11 days apart and sparer from a hectic fortnight for birthdays. They are company for each other on holidays.

Sometimes they fight but other times they get on well and play with each other. They also are into similar things so no issues in school hols about places to go etc.

I like having a smaller gap.

[Scabbersley]

Please wait until your scans before you start thinking about the pros and cons of this xx

[willisurvive3under2]

We planned for the same, got pregnant with twins 😱 I felt guilty for a while but I'm determined to make it work - poor DS will be 20 months when the twins are born.

[Tiredmum100]

Umm, I've got 22 months between mine, never once did I experience anything you've said. I didn't feel like I'd be letting my first dc down at all. You're being very hard on yourself. Mine are the best of friends and it certainly hasn't harmed dc1 in any way.

[Summerberriesatdawn]

2 year age gap is usually the norm.

[JoandMax]

I have a 20 month gap and it’s great! Mine are so close, play brilliantly together.

I genuinely feel one of the best things I’ve ever done for DS1 was give him a little brother

[CallYourDadYoureInACult]

I have a 2.5 yeR age gap and my DCs are the best of friends. They play together, share a room and are pretty much inseparable.

Now, we have our issues, of course. But I can say, hand on heart that the age gap has been brilliant.