2 year age gap- feel so guilty and low

[Mrsharper88]

Hello, I’m new on here. I’m sorry if this topic has already been covered but I’m feeling so so low.

My DS is now 18months, it took us a year and half of ttc before I finally fell pregnant with him. We knew we wanted a second child and that it could take years, so we decided to start trying last month and I discovered last week I am pregnant.

This is a horrible thing to say but I am absolutely devastated. My DS is still a baby and needs me. I feel like my stupid selfish actions are going to damage him emotionally as he won’t get the attention he needs and deserves. He still wakes in the night and gets so jealous if anyone else comes near me. I have not stopped crying, I feel like the most terrible person in the world because it’s all my fault that he will suffer.

I don’t have anyone I can talk to, my friends who have children all have big age gaps and I know they will think DS is too young. DP doesn’t understand what I’m upset about.

I’m just looking for some way to feel better about it. For someone to say I did the right thing. Someone to give me positive stories of how a 2.2 age gap can work and not damage the older sibling. Anyone that can make me feel better for doing it now rather than waiting.

I know that is also very selfish but I don’t know what else to do as I feel the lowest I think I’ve ever felt.

Really hope someone can help x

[Cmcc2206]

I have a 22 month gap. They are now 14 and 12. Best thing we ever did - despite the odd brotherly fight they are best friends, permanent company for each other and share a circle of friends. You'll be fine

[Cmlcml]

The love in your heart grows not divides.x

[Catterfly]

We have a 2.2 year age gap and it really has been perfect for us. I had all the same worrys you had too, I know they seem so little still at this age but honestly it's a great age gap!

Dc1 loved helping me with dc2 when he was little, he adored his little brother. Ds1 was there 'helping' dc2 reach all his mile stones. The best one being teaching ds2 to walk, ds1 LOVED holding his hand and helping him. He was so proud. They have always been very close and have developed such a lovely bond. There now 1 and 3 and its brilliant, they play together all the time. There interested in the same things and same toys. There faces light up when they see each other and dc1 is always talking about his brother and how he is his 'best friend' which melts my heart! I also loved having them both at home together its been lovely, and I'm so greatful it happend that way.

[KatharinaRosalie]

2 years and 1 day - honestly it's great. Dc1 does not even remember life before DC2 and at 2 and 4, they love each other. They are into the same things - games, playgrounds, cartoons etc, not one being bored when we do things for the other. We barely see them as they spend all the time playing together.

I have a big age gap with my own sister and while yes I had the attention as the only child for several years, we were nowhere as close.

It will be fun!

[usernameunavailable]

There's 2 years between me and my brother, I want the same for my children

[KalaLaka]

My first babies were twins, so they never got that prized 1:1 time without someone else waiting in line! Your baby will be OK, after some adjustment time. Are grandparents involved at all? They could help to take him out when the new arrival comes, and shower him with attention! Plus your partner will be doing a lot of his care for a while too. Get a sling for the new baby and you can play with hands free too.

You'll be tired, but you haven't anything wrong... it's a good age gap. He'll be very different when he's 2, a lot changes.

[Queenie72]

I have a 2 year 2 month age gap with mine , first year was hard because number 2 was a rubbish sleeper , but it’s definetely a brilliant age gap - mine are into the same things , love playing together - I have friends with bigger age gaps and the difference in interests / life stage makes it so much harder ! Like another poster says giving them a sibling so close in age is definitely a gift - you’ve done the right thing

[winterwonderly]

What you are feeling is completely normal. I felt the same but probably more extreme as my baby was only 5 months old when I found out I was pregnant again! I remember talking to my HV when she came to do a baby check on the first baby and she told me that she had cried to her mum when she found out she was pregnant with number 2, saying she'd never be able to love a second child like she did the first. I felt such a relief to hear that as she had hit the nail on the head as to how I was feeling.

But do you know what, despite all that worrying it's completely fine. Hard work with 2 but you find your way after the first crazy few months and are able to give them both the love and time that they need both individually and together. And although the older one is only 16 months she always asks for 'baby' every morning and it would just melt your heart, the new baby has brought something new and exciting into her life, it hasn't been detrimental for her.

Please don't worry. I remember the feeling very well, and just wish I'd not worried so much and had allowed myself to enjoy my pregnancy a bit more.

[Wizzwazzwas]

We have approximately that age gap x3. It's fine. There are squabbles sometimes, but largely it is joyful chaos. They each gain a lot from the sibling(s) as well as parent(s).

[MoreProsecco]

I have a 4.5 year age difference & it has distinct disadvantages: whilst those with 2-3 year age gaps were waving their youngest off to school, I was still doing soft play. And he was old enough to be jealous & had a bit more adjusting to having a sibling. Plus I'd started to get a full night's sleep & had to go back to nappies again. It has extended the toddler/baby years.

My bigger age gap wasn't deliberate (due to m/c) but there are also some advantages.

[giveitfive]

Only 15 months between mine. Waited four years for the first and the second was a surprise who rocked up 3 months prem.

They are, and have always been the very best of friends. I highly recommend having your kids close together. They have shared so much together and I am sure they will continue to do so.

Panic not. It will be awesome.

Congratulations on your happy news x

[PitilessYank]

I had four kids in a five year span and it was fine. My first two had a 14 month span, and they are great pals. My oldest actually seemed to appreciate having a little more freedom when his brother was born, and I wasn't hovering over him.

[Mrsharper88]

Wow thank you for so many replies, I never expected so much support. It is great to hear so many lovely stories and good things about the age gap. I was an only child which is why I wanted to give DS a sibling, but I think that’s partly why I feel so guilty because I don’t properly understand the good bits of having a sibling close in age.

My close friends have been very vocal with their opinions about children needing big age gaps. One of them even told me last month that it was too soon for me to ttc as DS “is just a baby, he will be missing out if you have another”. At the time I agreed with her but then went and did it anyway- which is selfish. Now I’m not sure who to turn to so hearing so much support is really uplifting

I also appreciate those of you saying my reaction is extreme. I know that and I will bring up with my GP. I suffered from PND with DS and looks like it might be the same again this time around. I have a tendency to overthink things and feel guilty about everything- so motherhood is a real challenge for me.

I can’t thank you all enough for taking the time to respond to me. Hearing such good things is really uplifting me- I feel like such a drama queen! X

[Backenette]

You’re not a drama queen. As I said I’m pregnant again now and I e had s fair amount of worry about how things will work. I think that’s normal - it is a big change and everyone needs to adjust. It just shows you’re aware of the emotions involved.

Talk to your mw for sure. And congratulations

[educatingarti]

I know 2 little boys now aged 2 and 4. The older one sometimes says " oh, it is so lovely to have someone to play with".

[MachineBee]

22 months between my DDs. Brilliant gap - as PPs have mentioned, you get the baby years done and dusted quickly. Big plus is that older sibling doesn’t suddenly have their activities curtailed because of a new baby, as often happens if there is a 5 or 6 year gap.

My eldest totally adored her new DSis. They are so close now.

I do get what you’re worried about though. My eldest was a crier who had just finished that phase when her DSis arrived. I resented DD2 because I felt she was taking me away from DD1, who I was finally getting close to. A minor accident with DD2 sorted my warped priorities out and I realised how lucky I was to have two healthy DC.

I’ve also observed ny DSCs relationships at close quarters. My DSD is 2 years older than her younger DB, who in turn is 2 years older than the youngest DB. She has a large age gap with her oldest DB. The one who is least close to the others is this eldest DSS. The youngest two are the closest - probably because they are the same sex and have the smallest age gap.

[SoTotallyOverThis]

I completely disagree with your very unhelpful ‘friends’.

I have 18 months between mine and honestly it’s perfect! I think everyone with those huge gaps make it so much harder (ok clearly not everyone and some people can’t choose etc etc) but Mine are so close now - they really are best buddies. They are able to do similar things without an older child being put out by a younger and vice versa. As another pp said - the love multiplies not divides.

[Gunpowder]

My middle sister is exactly 2 years 2 months younger than me. She (and my little sister, 4 years 6 months younger!) are my best friends. I am so pleased they are in my life and don’t remember a time before Dsis1 arrived.

My DC all have a two and a bit year age gap (very normal amongst my friends) and it works brilliantly.

[DianaT1969]

My brother is 18 months younger than me and we have always been close. He is my rock and my mum coped - in those days it was without a washing machine or car. 5th floor, no lift. A brother 3 years older than me too. We had a very happy childhood.
You sound down OP. Could you have PND, do you think?

[JuliannaBixby]

We have that exact gap and it's the best decision we made.

They play together, they like the same activities, the same films, etc.

The first year won't be the easiest of your life, but it will he filled with lots of beautiful moments, I promise.

Congratulations

[UnaOfStormhold]

We took 2 years TTC first time round so started trying again when he was 1. 2.5 years later I feel guilty that he's going to have either a 4 year gap or no sibling at all. Try to go easy on yourself,from my perspective it looks like you made the right call.

[ExtraPineappleExtraHam]

Hang on in there, it gets better! They learn to love their sibling and the bond is unbelievable! It's been the strangest, loneliest, loveliest year of my life but now I am fully content that I made the right decision. My age gap is 16 months.

[NataliaOsipova]

One of them even told me last month that it was too soon for me to ttc as DS “is just a baby, he will be missing out if you have another”

My mum said that to me. Mine are 2.5 years apart. They are - without doubt - the absolute best of friends. My second was a huge surprise, but I honestly think she was the best thing that happened to us (for the positive impact on the older one's life as much as anything).

If I'm honest - and I've seen other friends with a bang on 2 year gap, so talking in the round - these are the disadvantages:

• 2 in nappies for a while
  
• Can be difficult to give the attention you want to the older one at the point they become more interesting as little people in their own right - but you can manage this (e.g. you or your DH take your DS for some "big boy" activities while the other tends to the baby)
  
• You need stuff like a double buggy and it can feel a little like crowd control
  

But on the upside (when they get a little bit older)

• when the little one gets to about 18 months, life gets a hell of a lot easier as they play together and amuse each other
  
• Family outings are a doddle as they are generally at an age to enjoy the same things. You can go to, say, a film without too much hassle as they'll generally enjoy the same sort of thing
  
• The older one just can't remember life without the little one - mine are a hugely bonded unit. They genuinely grow up together.
  

Worry not. 2 years is a pretty standard age gap for a reason..... And congratulations!

[forfuxache]

I am expecting number 2 and my DD will be 2.5 when this one arrives. We got a positive test three weeks after deciding to try for number 2! I have PCOS so I wasn't expecting that at all.

The age gap between me and my brother is 2.7 years and it's great. We got on as kids (mostly!) and are close as adults. So close in fact that he's been the first person we've told when we've conceived both times.

Honestly try not to worry. It's not selfish. Your eldest won't ever remember your youngest not being there and he won't be a baby in the sense that he is now. My DD is only a few months older than your eldest and honestly after 18 months they just change and grow up so so quickly.

I do keep feeling like I'm cheating on my eldest though, so I understand where you're coming from. Rubbish of course but pregnant women aren't the most rational beings are they. Keep an eye on those reactions, antenatal depression is common and if it's creeping in on you, get support now.