Separated but parenting together?

[unrequitedme]

I've recently separated from dp (November) and we are trying to co parent, or parent together as much as possible. I'm just looking for advice or to see if anyone else works like this and does it actually work? He has his set times when he takes the kids but would like me to drop in from time to tie and when I've got them he can drop in after work ect to see them. I've made it clear that this is not going to be a round about sneaky way of getting us back together and if I feel like that's what he's trying to do then I won't cooperate and it will just be rigid his time and mine. Could this actually work though? I want to move on and I am getting there and I've said the same to him that I want him to move on and we can both do the best for the kids together, I think it's good for them to see there mum and dad in the same house together getting along even though we don't live together as a family unit. Is anyone doing this and found it to work ok?

@unrequitedme

I would not be this relaxed at this time, it's too soon, emotions are too raw and he might be secretly hoping to get back with you. Maybe in time? I'd keep clear boundaries OP. Loads of coparenting info online and some apps too.

For the record, you sound great wanting to coparent. Tis the stuff of dreams for me. My ex had an affair, dumped me one afternoon and won't speak to me about the kids so well done you

I did decide against it at the weekend as I felt that was what he was trying to do but he's assured me he won't do that again. I've made my intentions very clear and been very honest and upfront but I guess only time will tell. Thanks I'll have a look online

Anyone actually doing this??

Bump

Yes and I'd be very wary. My ex lives in a different city (about an hour away) but works in my city.

He's forever 'popping in'. I feel invaded. To be fair he does cook meals for children but as they both prefer to spend time in their rooms I get stuck with him on the settee. It's been like this for three years & frankly it's driving me crazy.

Thing is I suppose I let it ride as I do sometimes need him to sort the kids out etc etc due to my work which I'm grateful for. However I'm not seeing anyone but I think it would cause a problem if I did as I would have to cut down drastically on the time he spends at mine.

He had an affair which is why we split & I can't work out if he's still with her because if he does he still sees more of me than her.

Anyway my advice would be to set very clear boundaries. You are no longer together and he needs to parent his children without you there. The problems always set in when the status quo changes & one of you meets someone else. Start as you mean to go on.

We are divorced and co parent to a certain degree . He picks kids up some days and brings them here / cooks them dinner etc and so when I get home from work we are in the same house together for a short time . He has a new gf which he now lives with so he does take them to his at weekend as it’s a bit further away . If he is in the house I usually do housework and leave him to it with kids . We discuss things like school/ behaviour etc and he doesn’t go against me on these . When it’s the kids birthdays he will attend their parties etc . I would be wary of just letting him drop in especially if he isn’t over the relationship but I do think it’s nice for the children to see you getting along .

Sorry I don't know how to reply individually but yes I do not want a situation where he pops in where ever he feels like it as in the future I will eventually want to date (maybe 😂) and likewise for him if he gets involved with someone I wouldn't like the parenting situation to be off putting for any potential new partners. For the sake of the kids I really want it to work as they are so young so definitely strict boundaries from the start. They are very rigid at the minute anyway but we are only just starting to communicate again after some time with no contact

Co parenting doesnt have to mean parenting in the same place at the same time. If anything it may confuse the children or give them false hope.

I co parent with my ex and the only thing we do together is parents evening or important school meetings.

For the last few years we have done seperate holidays, birthdays Christmas etc. I think it's important that early on, children see that you are your own little family group now and that they have their own family group with their dad.

Even with years gone by, my children still want us back together but I've always told them kindly but firmly that that's not the case.

Any child related can be done over the phone or text with your ex, he doesn't need to pop around if you don't want him too.

It's been a number of years now but my children seem settled; hopefully yours will too

We pretended to co parent for about 5 years before I realised he was still a twat and actually I did all the parenting even though they stayed over at his house half the time. Sorry to be harsh. If I had my time again I would do things so differently and follow my gut instinct that (for my kids, with my exh, in my situation) 50/50 was NOT the best situation.

IMO effective coparenting is a great thing to aim for (unless exp is abusive). I speak from experience and have managed to forge an effective coparenting relationship with my ex- often this is hard and frustrating and it's important to maintain clear boundaries.

However, this absolutely does not mean that you have to spend time together in your home.

When DC's parents split it can be an unsettling and confusing time for them. However, with time and TLC most children do adapt. To have your ex at your home is highly likely to increase DS's confusion, muddy the waters and set them up for repeated dashed hopes that you will get back together.

There will be plenty of chances for you to model good communication and effective coparenting with your ex in-front of DC- at pick up/ drop off, parents evenings etc.. Once a considerable amount of time has passed you may be able to relax boundaries a little, but not yet.

Provided you physically can manage DC on your own I would strongly advise that you do not spend family time together at your home.

Ok thanks taking all of this on board, I see now how it could be confusing for the children to see us together at times and then separate again so I'll re think some of it. So far communication is ok and we do chat a bit at drop off and pick up, we both went to nursery last week too so these are things I'm hoping will make a difference

I wouldn’t like it tbh. I do sometimes make exH a cup of tea when he picks them up, and there have been a couple of occasions where I’ve let him work from home in my house because it’s close to DC’s school so he can pick them up. But only every now and then because it’s convenient.

Speaking from a selfish point of view, I feel like my time with the DC is my time and I don’t want him invading that! Similarly, my child-free time is precious as it’s one weekend a fortnight so I would rather be on my own!

I would still say we co-parent to a degree- I involve him in decisions etc and we have similar rules and back each other up.