My daughter won’t leave me!

[Lovingmum141]

My daughter is 19 but hardly ever goes out. She is very bright but declined going to uni even though she has already been accepted because she wanted to stay at home with me, she’s now going to college instead. She has plenty of friends there and will occasionally invite the round to our house but never wants to go on an evening out with them. Me and her dad got divorced 2 years ago and I think that may be why she doesn’t want to go - she always says she doesn’t want me to be lonely, I have reassured her that I’m fine on my own but I don’t think she’s sure. Obviously I don’t mind her staying in with me if it’s what she really wants to do. Any advice?

I would suggest changing the routine so that you are doing stuff independently. Sign up for evening classes or clubs or volunteer so that you are not 'in' every night and are enjoying your life. Invite your own friends round occasionally so that she sees that you are not lonely.

Hi OP
No advice as such but just wanted to say I have been just like your daughter (and almost still am). After my parents split up I found it very hard to leave her alone and used to constantly worry that she was lonely or sad. I even used to wait until she was in bed before going to sleep just incase she needed me/something. I ended up getting CBT thereby to tackle underlying issues and now my mum lives in Spain (we still talk 5 times a day though haha). I am sure all will be fine and your daughter sounds lovely x

Thank you to both of you, I do go to the gym 2 nights a week and my mum comes round every Friday for tea but she likes to stay in for that because she’s also rather attached to my mum! Our dog passed away 3 months ago and she was worried about that making me lonely so somehow I’ve now ended up with 2 rescue dogs to keep me company. To be fair I lived at home with my parents until I was 26 just because I wanted to and probably would have stayed longer if I hadn’t fallen pregnant with dd - didn’t think it was fair on my parents to bring a screaming baby into their house. I just feel guilty if she wants to stay in fine but I don’t want her to do it just for me. 🤔

Have you tried telling her how much you worry that she is missing out on having her own life and ambitions fulfilled and tackling the possibility with her that all this is just a cover for her feeling insecure about getting out into the world?

My DH’s sister was very bright and didn’t go to uni because she was intimidated by the idea of ‘posh people’ and it has really ruined her life - she has been really annoyed and chippy about how much it has stopped her progressing and getting promotions at work and she had missed out on a whole experience and set of friends which she now hugely regrets.

It’s worth investigating all this now with your daughter before it’s too late for her to change her mind and she fritters away her 20s hiding from life - she will blame and resent you later rather than admit her mistakes. It’s very hard to admit you e waster your own life. You may need to bolster her confidence and be clear with her about what she is throwing away.