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Parenting

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Original poster

Do you ever feel that having a baby has led you to dislike your DH/P?

18 replies

Goodenoughparent101 · 04/02/2018 22:02

DH and I have always had a humour filled relationship with lots of mutual friends and good compatibility.

We had our first baby together after a few years of marriage a year ago and never have I so regularly thought to myself 'I don't like you'
The sleep deprivation is savage and we allow for that and try to be forgiving and apologetic.

We're both working part time and having DD so no child care through choice.

She's a lovely straight forward baby and the actual light of our lives.

But...

My DH really annoys me.

He emotionally out of the blue completely withdraws from me for sometimes weeks at a time. Then he will say he's depressed but he has had depression bouts on and off his whole adult life and never seeks help.

I can't bear having him fully present and lovely for times then being left without warning to fend for myself.

This week I have been very ill with a chest infection which has meant I've lost sleep and have had to go to work and carry on doing all the housework/ shopping cooking etc because he is "depressed" so just signs out.

All day today he has been trying to chat to me declaring the depression has lifted meanwhile I'm resentful and upset that he hadn't so much as offered me a lemsip while I've been ill and has happily stood back and let me cook for him, go food shopping, entertain the baby at 4:30 am because I woke her up with my coughing.

He declared yesterday that he was going out for the afternoon and I said 'oh without us and pulled a sad face' he said yeah and just went out for the afternoon, coming back with some charity shop books for me to add to the pile of 30 books I've been bought and not read since having DD.

I don't have the energy to fight with him as I'm too ill but I'm really wondering if I can see myself with someone who checks out so regularly. E.g. Doesn't really speak to me, listen to me, care for me it feels.

On the flip side, when he's well he is attentive and lovely so I don't know what to do.

I can't leave him (can't afford to) and want DD to have both of us but I basically despise that he does this to me.

Sorry long.
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

WineGummyBear · 04/02/2018 22:08

OP that sounds really hard.

If the depression has lifted now (when you feel calm and not too exhausted) might be a good time to talk to him about the impact this is having on you and the family and ask him to start putting some help in place for himself so that this is less likely to happen again.

(Has he seen the GP? Looked into CBT etc).

Depression can happen to anyone, but he can't just breeze back into family life and expect you to be pleased to see him if he's not taking steps to get some more sustainable help for his health.

All the best

RickOShay · 04/02/2018 22:15

I hated dh’s guts when the dc were babies. Hated him. I like him again now they are older, it does get better.

AmberTopaz · 04/02/2018 22:18

I agree with a pp that it’s normal to go through a rough patch with your partner when the DC are tiny and you are sleep deprived, and it passes.

But he sounds very selfish. How can he bear to go out on his own for the afternoon and have a nice time shopping for books when you are ill at home with the baby? He should be ashamed of himself

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MsP0b · 04/02/2018 22:24

He needs help with his depression. One of the major symptoms/ effects of depression is it makes the sufferer both withdrawn emotionally and incredibly selfish. What you describe sounds just like this. He cannot help being like that when he's depressed and he isn't doing it on purpose.

However he needs to understand that the whole family is impacted by his illness, not just him and he needs to find ways to deal with it to decrease the impact on you.

Maybe you could find a time when he's engaging with you and you feel calm enough to discuss it without being angry?
The behaviours you dislike are his illness, not him.

Original poster

Goodenoughparent101 · 04/02/2018 22:28

Thank you. I do want to chat with him about the impact his depression has on us all. Maybe good tonight because I am too tired to get angry.

OP posts:

Chattette · 04/02/2018 22:32

It's just not acceptable for him to pick and choose when he's a husband and parent. No wonder you're finding this tough. It's time to lay the cards on the table- he needs to seek help for this depression or move out.

NSEA · 04/02/2018 22:36

I think this sounds hard.

I actually came on to say yes I did. For about 18 months and then overnight I just stopped feeling that way. I put it down to exhaustion. M
However, your circumstances are different. You need to feel you’re going to be a team eventually. He just sounds hard work.

Original poster

Goodenoughparent101 · 04/02/2018 23:22

Oops it turned into a horrible well let's just get divorced style argument.
Horrible :(

OP posts:

RickOShay · 04/02/2018 23:27

I am sorry, it is a really tough time. Try not to take it to heart, I think he needs outside help, this can be sorted. Hope you are ok.

Original poster

Goodenoughparent101 · 05/02/2018 07:13

We talked until 2am.

We agreed we'd try to spend an hour a day together on purpose.

He is unsure about going on to anti depressants because he doesn't want to feel numb and distant he is sceptical about chemical alteration (doesn't drink or even take ibuprofen when he's got a head ache)

He did say he'd go and see a Dr.

He's been in therapy for the past 2 months and wants to stick to it for some time.

I told him I didn't want us to be another statistic of a couple that can't take the strain of having a baby around.

Thanks for all of your kind replies.

OP posts:

Thurlow · 05/02/2018 07:21

You poor thing, that's a lot to deal with.

DP has had depression on and off during his life. It hit really badly when DC2 was about 6 months old. I coped with it when there were just the two of us but once we had kids it was different.

I told him I loved him and would be there for him - as long as he looked for help. Because he had a family to think about, and two children who needed him. And that he owed it to them to go and find some help.

Unfortunately things got so bad we ended up with the crisis team but he called 111 that day, and I am so proud of him for doing that. Hes on antidepressants now and things are much better.

Can you make him see that he needs to do this for everyone, not just for himself?

AmberTopaz · 05/02/2018 07:33

Okay, well it’s good that you talked. Keep talking! Was it the case that he didn’t really realise how you were feeling, and now he has a better understanding?

I do sympathise with him for not wanting to take ADs. But he MUST acknowledge how hard this is for you (as well as him). He can’t use depression as a ‘get out of jail free’ card that trumps your needs every time.

timeisnotaline · 05/02/2018 07:37

Personally if he regularly uses the depressed card to drop out
Of family life without trying to do anything about it then thinks he can just swan back in he isn’t trying. If he cared he’d be trying to do something about the depression not just saying but this is meeeee.

AmberTopaz · 05/02/2018 07:43

Maybe remind him that lots of women get PND and all but the most serious cases carry on caring for their newborn.

Original poster

Goodenoughparent101 · 05/02/2018 07:51

Thank you.
I've not been perfect. Very bad pmt since having DD and quite cutting and snappy towards him at times.
I think our relationship is in a vulnerable state at the moment and we both need to put some protective measures in place.
I asked him why he never initiates conversations about our relationship. He said he didn't know how to.

It's a dance I'm sick of doing with him. He pulld away, I get upset then angry that he's doing it. It all comes to a head with a horrible row and things are better for a time.
Tired of it and I told him so.

OP posts:

RickOShay · 05/02/2018 08:48

It’s so positive that you are talking. I certainly was not perfect, a lot of anxieties surface when you have a new baby I think, it’s not about blame though really, it’s about trying to be honest with each other, and forgiving of mistakes, both yours and his.
Be kind to yourself, it is a stressful time

Original poster

Goodenoughparent101 · 05/02/2018 15:19

thank you.
I bought the Relate marriage work book on Amazon today so I hope he and I can work through it of an evening and try to get back on track.
Im also going to go to the dr and ask for some help with my pmt.
I do go to the gym which really helps as does cutting out sugar.

Thank you.

OP posts:

Smellyjo · 05/02/2018 17:41

You've just bought a book but I'd so recommend 'how not to hate your husband after kids' !!! By jancee someone. My husband bought me it as a joke for Xmas and we both read it and got a lot out of it. Really fair book that looks at communication a lot amongst other things. For example she talks about how women often communicate less directly and don't always feel comfortable saying 'I want you to do x y z' in a clear way. I know inthe past id say 'this is because he won't do what I ask!' But actually I've been looking at it and often when I get frustrated is a sense of 'he should just get this off his own initiative '. This woman is so practical in talking about how waiting around for that to happen is unrealistic and frustrating, and I've enjoyed the results of trying to be more clear.

Dunno if any of that resonates but I feel your pain, that first year was hard man, in so many ways. Really the hardest year of my life. So it's not just you at least 💐

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