Stranger danger/safety/body autonomy talk

[mamahanji]

So I'm starting to think it's important to have an actual talk with my child about stranger danger and her body is her body and basically all the safe guarding talks for a 3.8 year old instead of just randomly throwing it into conversation occasionally.

Can anyone advise me where to start so me and my partner can inform ourselves on the best things to say.

She is 3.8 years old and is pretty switched on and has a scarily good memory so I'm hoping she will be able to grasp some of what we say.

There’s a PANTS program. Look that up.

Strangers are not dangerous

Also a couple of things;

1. They should never be forced to kiss relatives. They can be told to wave and politely say hello/goodbye but don’t force them to kiss or hug.
2. From day one, get family on board with never saying ‘just our little secret.’ Tell granny you don’t care if she gives him chocolate but explain that kids should never normalise ‘don’t tell your mum...’

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/underwear-rule/

Backenette

Thanks. We have always done the no secrets thing and it's polite to say goodbye and hello but you don't have to hug or kiss people. Our family are very good at respecting that.

I don't mean 'strangers are dangerous' obviously I mean teaching your child about dangerous situations and how to teach her to make safe decisions. Like don't leave the park with someone you don't know to look at a puppy...

"Someone you don't know" is a bit ambiguous. With mine, I focused on making sure Mum or Dad know where you are. "What do you do if a friend comes up to you in the park and asks you to come to their house for icecream? You come and tell me before you go anywhere."

Because "someone you don't know" becomes a friend as soon as they know your name.

I think the message now is about 'tricky people'. This includes ANYBODY who asks a child to keep a secret from EITHER parent as well as people forcing physical affection onto children.

"kisses and cuddles should NEVER be secret"

That's a brilliant point. One I now know. Not to emphasise it being someone you don't know! Thank you.

I've just ordered the pack from the nspcc link.

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/underwear-rule/?gclid=CJienqz6jNkCFYaEhQodKj8ImA&gclsrc=ds

This pack is great. It's a donation and you can work through it together with your child.

Thanks confused I've just ordered it. Feeling less nervous about where to start now!

Hi @mamahanji

I think sometimes the 'stranger danger' thing can go too far. I know children who are SCARED to talk to anyone they don't know because they are 'strangers' but let's face it. There are many strangers who innocently talk to children 'oh that ice cream looks nice, are you enjoying that?' Iyswim.

At your DC's age you are most likely going to be watching her at all times, or she will be with someone you trust who will.

If it's a real concern then maybe tell her that there are some unfortunately some people in the world who are not very kind and do bad things, although they may seem nice to begin with. You're DC should not talk to strangers unless they feel safe to do so because mummy, daddy, gran etc are watching or are with them and they should never go out of sight of mummy, daddy, gran etc with somebody they do not know.

Also, anybody who they do know that makes them feel uncomfortable they should tell mummy or daddy and they will never be in trouble for doing so.

I don't think it's an issue to point out private areas either that nobody should touch.

We have talked about who to ask if you are lost - I said someone who works in a shop or cafe, a mummy or daddy who is with some children. Or a police officer, but I wasn't sure how much he understood about uniforms and it's quite easy for anyone to look official.

He also knows how to dial 999 or emergency contacts from my phone and what to say.

I always say he doesn't have to kiss or hug anyone and stress that he should always stop a game if someone seems uncomfortable or says no/ouch/stop, even if they are laughing.

And that he can tell me anything, we make time at the end of each day to talk about good and bad stuff that's happened, and car chats are often quite good for finding out peripheral stuff that might not have some up otherwise.

It's a great pack.
Also something I learned my dd. I spend so much time telling her not to be rude when I said to her if a stranger is talking to you/asks you to go with them tell them to go away and shout and scream. My daughter was horrified at being rude to an adult.

I had to find a way to explain like GummyGoddess said about the tricky people, that it is okay yo be rude to them, tell them no and scream and shout.

If someone offers them sweets or to look at their puppy to tell the person that they need to ask Mum or Dad if that is ok. If the person is a good person they will be very pleased with you that you are checking with Mum or Dad first.

Also a tricky person can be a person who asks you to help them. If an adult loses their dog and needs help looking for it or if they need help with directions they will ask another adult not a child, if they do ask you (i.e the child) then you should say you will get your mum, dad, whoever you are with to help as well. If they don't want the adult to help then you shouldn't help either.

This is all great. I definitely have the concern of kids being so focused and ingrained on doing as an adult says and not being rude that they will just do as they're told no matter if it makes them feel bad or is wrong.

I'm definitely going to do the end of day recap about things that have happened and how they made us feel.

"Stranger danger" has pretty much been completely discredited now. Most abuse is perpetrated by people known not only to the child but the family as a whole.

So the focus needs to be not on how well they know the person but in it being allowed to say no to any physical contact they don't want.

Hugs, kisses, tickling, stroking...

And as you've said no secrets.

Very difficult at such a young age, I would emphasise the bodily autonomy and being able to tell you ANYTHING without it shocking or upsetting you or meaning they are in trouble.

Also it's a continual thing. My dd will be 17 soon and I still sometimes feel the need to remind her that she is allowed to tell someone to take their arm from round her shoulder etc

And please don't ever be dismissive of their fears or not liking someone. Kids are usually pretty good judges of character.

It is important to also talk about how to find help if you need it so, as mentioned above, go into a shop or cafe or a mummy or daddy or a person in uniform. There have been a couple of stories recently in the press about children not asking for help because they were scared of strangers.

We talk about how your body is your own and we can all make decisions about our own bodies. We talk about private areas of the body too.

In terms of stranger danger, I talk about them always having a grown up who is looking after them (family, childminder or teacher) and that they need to check with their grown up before going with anyone else.