Advice on social services

[snowdropsrout]

Background - I've got 2 DS age 7 and 10 and a lovely DH who tries his best and does lots to help in family although I very much carry the emotional load and lead on most things we do so feel more ‘responsibility’ is carried by me (he acknowledges that). I really do love them all more than I can say. We have regular trouble with DS 1. Weekly 'show downs' of him kicking off. I get very down about the whole drudgery and repetitiveness of family life as well as years ahead of dealing with him, likely getting worse in teenage years. He doesn't have any 'disorders' as far as we know. He's absolutely fine in school and 90% of time is a great kid and a joy to be with. Very long story, we've done lots of tactics, rewards etc etc. I've already been to GP and been on antidepressants for last few years (v mild dose). I came off them a couple of months ago as don’t want to be on them my whole life and I don’t like how they affect me in other ways - ie am too laid back about work deadlines which has implications for me keeping my job so serious. We've had support from school family support re our DS and local resilience team at social services and also been on a parenting course. Finding it v hard despite all that and basically, I now feel I can't take any more. I just want to run away and leave them all – really do it. At times I wish I'd never had children even though I love them. I'm starting to be a real cow to DS when he kicks off - eg today I smashed a lego model he spent a whole day on at Christmas and he's distraught. I warned him I would do it if he didn't stop what he was doing (he was pratting around incl throwing things out of upstairs windows which he knows is not allowed as its dangerous). Just before this we had just had to curtail a family trip out due to his behaviour. My DH is at his wits end with DS 1 as well, its not just me.

So – what the hell do I do? What would SS do if I go back to them again? I have been physical with DS in past though not recently (that was why I sought help originally). My wish sometimes is that some social services fairy comes and whisks DS away to be happy in another family away from me and me happier without him but that’s not real life is it? Also my DH and other DS wouldn’t want that. Should I just leave them all to be better off without me and my downers (although they would lose lots of useful housekeeping services).

Wow, you sound really down on yourself. Have you spoken to a GP lately and asked for some support? Sounds like you could do with some counselling and support to get to the bottom of why you're getting so down. Maybe trying a different antidepressant or St. John's Wort for a while to help you get through? It doesn't mean you'll have to be on them for life, it's just a tool to help you get through.

I think smashing his lego up was an overreaction. Personally I would apologise and offer to help rebuild it. My mum used to destroy stuff of mine when I was a teenager and it really really hurt. Have you tried love bombing him? Doing something for him that's really good quality time and something he'd enjoy, just you and him.

You smashed his Lego model?

That's a massive error or judgement....sorry but it just is. You destroyed something he has created and taken time over. There are other ways rather than threatening to destroy his possessions (and then doing so).

Personally from what you've posted he sounds a difficult child. Are you absolutely CERTAIN there are no disorders here? This does not sound like a child reacting normally to things.

My son is autistic with ADHD and can massively kick off at times but there are ways of managing these rages. We talk it out afterwards and reiterate what is and is not acceptable. However I would never ever destroy anything of his. Remove it yes and make him earn it back but never destroy. You say he is devastated and I am not surprised. However I can also hear that you are desperate.

You need to contact social services again and ask about courses for parenting difficult children .

It sounds like everything has reached a breaking point.

What assessments has your son had?

I would strongly consider asking the GP for a referral to CAHMS for an assessment. I would also consider family therapy if possible. Really feel for you op.

He’s lovely 90% of the time? Are your expectations a bit high, perhaps? Most ten year olds have their moments. It can be a self fulfilling cycle where you expect him to be naughty so he is. He’s good at school which suggests he’s maybe not a truly difficult child but rather your family relationships are struggling.
Can you ask your GP about referral for family therapy?
Your husband isn’t meant to help with the family. He’s meant to be an equal parent so might need to take more responsibility.
Breaking his Lego is less than ideal but we’re all only human. He was given fair warning; he’ll get over it if you apologise and help rebuild it.
Does he get enough exercise? Male hormones surging can be just as difficult as female hormones. Testosterone increase is likely to lead to impulsive, higher risk, more aggressive behaviours and can be managed through increased physical activity. Is this something special your husband could do with him?

Another person suggesting you need to make an appointment with the GP for yourself and appointment for your child. Perhaps make them back to back and just go yourself so you have time to talk through the issues.

Thanks all. I'm going to make appointment with GP tomorrow. A relative this eve suggested I check I'm not entering early menapause in terms of my down moods (my sister had it early). Will also look inot more family support.
I did the lego on an angry impulse- yes an awful (and totally unproductive) thing to do. I've apologised profusely when things calmed down. Another thing about my son is problems sleeping. We know he kicks off more when he is tired. Eg a freqeunt scenario (say 50 - 60% of nights, even when we've had a 'good day') he has a nice warm bath, everything calm, bit of a read, nice cuddles. Often I give him a relaxing lavender massage to help with sleep. We've always done massages, also do that with his brother (I try to not make a thing about the sleep problem to him as don't want him to think he has a 'problem' ). He has lights off typically between 8-9p,. Often he is still awake at 11, even midnight. The next day he is shattered of course. Might this be a pointer to something? I've looked up symptoms of ADHD and he has some but lots he doesn't.

Hes hasn't had any formal assessments. GP had a chat with him. SS staff I delt with said as he is ok at school a disorder is less likely but we could get him checked - v long waiting list. He does have lots of excercise - walks/cycles to /from school every day, does sports etc

If you're a Facebook user have a look for the Therapeutic Parenting group and read up on it. Try some of their strategies. It means a complete mind shift as it uses natural consequences rather than punishment, and a lot of wondering out loud to get them to talk about how they're feeling when they kick off. Might help though as it's a more nurturing style of parenting. I'm rubbish at it though