MIL getting on my nerves

[milproblems]

My MiL is becoming hard to deal with. Does anyone have any advice about how I can not get so wound up by her? She's emotionally fragile and possibly depressed/showing signs of old age forgetfulness, but no one in my DH's family is proactive enough to really tackle her symptoms head on...

Here's what she does:

Telling me what not to eat when pregnant like she knows best and then promptly trying to feed me soft cheese and reminiscing about how she drank through all her pregnancies

Constantly states that DS (1.5yrs) looks like their family when there is no resemblance and even after being shown pictures that prove he looks like me as a child

Writing letters to DS - in a foreign language - that include lines such as ‘maybe you can visit me with mummy and daddy if they can find the time’

Complete amnesia about all practical dimensions of childcare and thus showing a lack of empathy about anything that might be difficult

Reminiscing about her live in au pair (and thus showing a lack of empathy about anything that might be difficult!)

Looking wounded that we don’t leave her in charge for more than an hour, even though she can’t lift DS, forgets things quickly and panics easily

Never telling us we’re doing a good job

Looking hurt that we cant socialise with her in the evening - obviously in locations of her choice - even though we have no childcare.

Commenting that she feels sorry for little children who attend childcare every day (knowing that mine does)

Asking me if I think I will ‘always choose to work’

Lack of flexibility about locations, timings and mode of meet ups even if they don’t work well for us and DS

Pressurising us to visit her in a foreign country where she lives part of the year so that she can live out a fantasy of ‘walking in nature' with DS even though her house is dangerous (3 story open spiral stairwell with over 30ft drop) and she has no suitable kit like cot bed or carseat.

Having unrealistic expectations of how DS should behave and cope with various circumstances (e.g. why cant he sit and eat a 3 course formal lunch nicely for an hour?)

Not learning or amending her views/behaviour when we calmly explain what DS needs or can/cant do.

Not offering me her condolences when my grandfather died and only caring to ask about DS, as if my grief was irrelevant.



Can you spend less time away from her? I have a bad relationship with my MIL for similar reasons and choose not to see her. She lives around the corner so eventually it is inevitable. I let my partner take my daughter to see her as I would never stop her having a relationship because of our issues with eachother.
Could there be a culture difference? My MIL is from Poland and very family orientated / abrupt by nature and I struggle to get on with her traditions.

That's good advice, thanks! My DH does take DS to see her on his own sometimes so I do get a break but I might need to step back even more. Currently she's putting a lot of pressure on us to holiday with her this summer (no chance- I would get too stressed).

I guess that I'm torn between trying to satisfy her whims because she does seem so fragile and unhappy (plus I always imagine myself in her position in the future and want to be kind), and wanting to protect myself because she's been so narrow-minded, rude and inflexible for years now, which has caused me a lot of upset I've never admitted.

It doesn't help that DH's family are v emotionally repressed so it would go down very badly if I ever tried to sit her down and called out her behaviour. I can't imagine what the fallout would be.

There are only minor cultural differences as she's western european and has lived mainly in the Uk for decades, though she had a quite traumatic early life so I'm sure that plays into her fragility.

Basically, I think I feel responsibility to make her happy because she's told me she's only really living for DS!!

Omg you are being massively over sensitive. You’re over interpreting what she is saying - she is a forgetful old woman, who will soon die, stop expecting her to be your global cheer leader and ignore his stuff - most of it is innocuous. Spend a bit of time on here hearing about what other peoples’ MILs day!

Seriously, she is not being a spiteful victimising bitch, you are just interpreting what she says very negatively and asssuming it’s all about you.

You sound oversensitive.
Many people forget what it was like having kids. You will have forgotten many issues in 30 years' time, too.
Why do you expect her to say you are doing a good job? Why do you expect her to state how hard it must be being a mum? Why would you expect her to provide a travel cot and car seat? That's your responsibility. You sound like you have far too high expectations.
Her criticising your choice to work - my mum is the same, I get that it's sad not to have support. But you will never make everyone happy, become a sahm and someone will criticise you for that.
If she sees a likeness in your DC that you don't see - so what. I've had people tell me my DC look like my family, my partner's family, or neither. Not everyone sees the same likeness.
Seriously - chill out. Let your DC have a positive relationship with their grandmother, even if you can't.