Tantrums and refusal to eat

[NomsQualityStreets]

DS is 2.5 and has generally been a well behaved little boy. However we've recently had DS2 and as much as DS1 loves his younger brother and as much as we try to make sure we pay them both the same amount of attention DS1 behaviour has gone downhill.

He tantrums multiple times a day, mostly over refusing to eat his lunch/dinner.
I will give latest example.
Refused to eat his pasta (which he loved up to now) but will ask for a lollipop. Cue meltdown when I tell him he can have one after he eats his dinner. He then wants juice. He will then find things to make it worse, his DF was on the phone DS came up (usually wants to have a quick babble with DP over the phone) I ask if he wants to speak to daddy cue more tears because he wants to speak to DGF not daddy. Daddy hangs up, cue wailing and snot because he wants to call daddy. I tell him, eat your food and we call daddy - wailing intensifies with "no eat" thrown in. He takes himself off to sit, screech and wail on the stairs. Comes back and wants the dog to go away, then wants to call daddy. I say the same as before. Wailing starts up again, dinner is cold, he's on the stairs, I'm putting baby for a nap and banging my head against the wall. Food goes uneaten.

I think I must be doing something wrong?
I don't shout or raise my voice, I go down to his level which worked up to now but he usually just goes up in pitch and tries to ignore the rational ...

He had no dinner yesterday, refused bath, wanted to brush his teeth then decided against it once he had the toothbrush in his hand and screeched and wailed because he didn't want DP to brush his teeth either. He's had no breakfast this morning apart from milk. Refuses normal food he usually eats and wants either lollipops , fruit or sweet yogurt.
I'm worried that if I give in and start offering alternatives I'll make a rod for my own back.

Has anyone got any advice for me?

No advice but following as my DS 2.5 has started doing exactly the same! If he does eat anything it’s toast or fruit. I hate all the wasted food but hoping it’s just a phase!

At this age, he's going through something totally normal. Two things. He's checking your behaviour is consistent (it's reassuring for him when it is, but also his brain is trying to figure out how complex situations work so it's ok not to be consistent). Also he's struggling to manage his emotions and it's perfectly normal. He needs to learn tools to deal with his frustration and or anxiety. So what I do is: I recognise it's normal and it's a learning process, it's my job to provide him with security. So I tell him the rules, we write them together and he knows what rules are red (strict), grey (sometimes yes or no, ask mum) or green (always yes, go for it). Consequences are logical (he leaves the kitchen while we're eating, he's done and I take his plate away, but I'm not punishing him by saying we won't go to the park later) but he's allowed to change his mind (within reason). And if he starts crying or drops on the floor, I tell him what's happening (you are crying because I took your plate away when you left the table, is that it?) he's allowed to be angry and it will pass, I give him tools (quiet time in room, cuddle, crumple some paper, etc.) and we discuss how well he managed this frustration when he's done. I bought books about emotions so that he can recognise what he's feeling.
This too shall pass but give him the tools to handle it, he's not born with it

Diagnosis: terrible twos

Cure: time

Thank you for the advice. I suppose I just need to brace myself and hope it gets better

We had a little result this lunchtime! After not eating his dinner and just having milk this morning we had the same meltdown saga over eating lunch. He took himself off to screech, wail and wipe his snot on the stairs twice. In the end he came and sat behind me on the sofa as I was putting Ds2 to sleep and generally stayed quiet and watched TV until I was done. I then cheerfully said "are you eating your food DS1?" lo and behold he went and sat at his table and finished the whole plate! It took about an hour in total

My main worry is how do I handle him in public?
I don't mind letting him vent and cry at home when I've exhausted all ways of calming him down as he generally calms down on his own when he's ready but I can't really do that in the supermarket or at playgroup....any advice on that one?

DS is 2 years 8 months and noticeably better behaved in public from 6 weeks ago. I do Internet shopping though, I'm not brave enough to go to the supermarket yet!