Any advice for a Dad-to-be?

[JamieP]

Hi All

Me and my partner are expecting our first child in July. We both can't wait. I would like some advice on how I can make her life easier before after the birth, is there anything I should pay special attention to? I just want to get some thoughts on how to support her properly, some tips from people who have been there already! Are there also any dads on here who could give me some pro tips!?

She also has a really sore hip at the moment so I've booked her into physio on Monday and we guess it's just a pregnancy symptom, did any of you experience anything like that?

Thanks in advance!

J

Main one - never underestimate how tired she can /will be!!

Don't moan about being tired while she's in labour.

If she plans on breastfeeding then your job is to basically feed her, take drinks, do all housework etc. while your on paternity leave to help get it all off to a good start. To be honest, even if you're FF then that is a good role to take up for the first couple of weeks! I was so tired that I needed DH to bring me all the food possible!

If you have any annoying relatives then keep them away - still haven't forgotten DH inviting a distant uncle to visit us on day 5.

Pick things up from the floor from now on as you pass them by. Being pregnant/post birth, and bending over constantly is a bit rubbish.

Even if the home gets untidy but everything's still on her level still she will thank you trust me

Congratulations! You're going to be an ace dad.

Things my DH did which helped:
Literally pushed me up a hill when I was the size of a house
Did the driving when I was too fat to turn round to reverse
Practised the route to hospital so he wouldn't freak me out on the day by being unable to find the parking
Brought me things to eat...constantly
On the day, he basically did everything I asked of him and didn't complain when I snapped at him for not being able to put my hair up properly

And afterwards he manned the phones to fend off excited relatives as I was too done in to speak
Kept bringing me things to eat, made me drinks (moving around was sore)
Was kind to me when I lost my shit and was sobbing in the night cos I thought I was going mad from lack of sleep
Insisted I go out with my friends to get a break...he still does this!
He's a good un.

The hip could be ligament pain which is pretty normal in pregnancy, or something sometimes called SPD which needs to be looked at, I had a friend who was given (safe) painkillers and crutches for the third trimester both times.

Definitely everything previous posters have said.

Also, keep telling her she's beautiful and you're attracted to her because at times she'll feel like a giant cow. When you cuddle her cuddle HER first and the bump second if you see what I mean.

You sound like a lovely partner. Be chilled and kind to yourself too.

Also, once labour is over- take time to bond with your baby. Having a confident hands-on dad at hand who knows as much about the baby/toddler/teenager as she does will make motherhood a totally different experience for her. Some people focus so much on supporting the mother and letting her do the parenting that they forget how much support there is in genuinely shared parenting.

Nappy changes are particularly good for bonding. Enjoy them, treat them as a privilege.

Oh bless you.

My advice: be proactive. If you see washing up accumulating, wash up. If you see the washing machine has finished, empty it. Make sure there's nothing crucial / every day relating to childcare that only she does (e.g. Making bottles, dealing with medication etc). When you're sleep deprived, resentment can build really quickly over tiny stupid things. Pull your weight not just with practical things but with the mental load - having the stress of all the food planning, clothing (what size they need, what they're missing, what they've grown out of, getting rid of old stuff, ordering new stuff), researching big purchases, managing hospital appointments, etc can all get really overwhelming and exhausting. When possible send her off for a nice bath or shower or a walk or especially a nap on a weekend! Get used to taking the baby out on your own to the park or for a coffee so she can have a bit of a break (it's amazing how many fathers don't do this!)

My husband and I recently had a big argument as he stopped being woken by our twins in the night so I was doing all night wake ups and then getting up early with them and I was past done. So he started doing the early mornings and loading the dishwasher before I got down - it made so much difference to my day and tiredness levels.

I guess, don't put her in a situation where everything related to the baby is her responsibility unless she delegates it to you. This sounds obvious but it's amazing how easy it is to fall into this set up if she's on mat leave.

Congratulations, you sound lovely.

Do your homework and know where stuff is.

Know how to make a bottle, how to sterilise, what the baby needs to wear to bed or out in x y z temperature. Know any routine baby gets into.

Know where the baby clothes, nappies, wipes, etc are. Be proactive about laundry.

My husband was awesome but did assume I was the font of all knowledge, which wound me up - I was just as clueless to start with, we both needed to learn.

When you go back to work (assuming this is the set up) know she'll be waiting for you to come home for a break/shower/stress free wee, other adult to talk to, try to be on time if you can, let her know if you can't. The 10 minutes my husband was 'late' were often the longest of my day.

Good luck!

You do sound lovely! My tuppence worth echos a lot of pp but top tips

• work out where everything is in the kitchen. So much stress in those early days came from my genuinely lovely husband asking me where everything was. I hadn't realised he didn't know!
• clean the kitchen all the time and empty the bins. I nearly ruptured my c section stitches trying to just keep on top of things in the first few days trying to do jobs that had somehow always been 'mine'
• take the baby for at least one walk a day by yourself on mat leave and each day at the weeekends. Even 15 mins relieves the mental 'always on' strain.
• field visitors and keep them to a minimum in the early days.
• have asked DH and he said to just focus on making her feel good about herself and positive comments about how well she's doing LOTS.

It's an interesting time but with some unforgettable and lovely moments, good luck both of you :)

My little one is just over a week old and my DP has been amazing, so some tips from me:

Make sure she feels loved, wanted and attractive for who she is, not just for being pregnant - i found that to a lot of people I stopped being me, and just became 'pregnant person'. my DP made sure to keep reminding me he loved me for me, talked about stuff that wasnt baby related etc.

Be prepared to do everything in the early days. I made a cup of coffee the other day. It was both a massive achievement and a total ballache as i had DS in my arms the whole time. Its so much easier on me if DP is here to help, and as i'm shattered and sore, i do need that help.

Don't push her for sex. (obvious i know) But be sure to maintain intimacy, where you can. kisses and cuddles, massages with no further intent behind them etc other than showing affection go a long way.

Don't mollycoddle her. She knows her limits. Just make sure help is there whenever she needs it.

Know what stuff is and how it works, and when you will need it. My dp has apparently been paying close attention because yesterday morning he brought me a box of six tubes of lansinoh nipple cream, which he'd ordered online for me. He knew I would need it and went ahead and ordered it. Things like that mean a lot and are truly helpful.

In the delivery room, there may come a point where she feels like giving up. Be strong. Tell her how strong she is, how amazing she is and how much you believe in her. Tell her she can do it and keep telling her that after the baby is here and it gets really tough.

good luck, and enjoy every moment, it really is magical.

If she is breastfeeding, make sure she has water and chocolate healthy snacks within reach at all times. She will be thirstier than she ever thought possible and will be burning am easy 500 extra calories a day.

Encourage her out of the house for a walk, the three of you, as early as possible and daily after that. It doesn't matter how little sleep she had, she will feel better.

I don't think it makes sense for you both to be up with baby, but if you are getting more sleep make sure that you are providing loads of moral support with any sleep issues - as well as taking baby for walks and doing housework.

Be ready for tears and hugs on day 3-4...

Remember when you go back to work (presuming you will have paternity leave) that looking after the baby will be a full time 24/7 job for her. So if you're winning in terms of sleep, try to get up early on days off so you can take the baby and she can rest. You'll be a lovely dad I am sure.

If she has been up all night with the baby and you have been vaguely disturbed by it - don’t complain how tired you are!

Hand cream by every sink. (Endless hand washing after nappy changes is not good.)

Don’t get into a tiredness competition.
Don’t sulk if she isn’t paying you enough attention.
Absolutely don’t sulk about lack of sex.
Do inhale soft velvety newborn scalp at every opportunity.
Do make many many cups of tea.
Do take photos.
Do hold the baby while she gets a whole meal for once.
Be firmly and vocally pleased about the baby despite the chaos.
Enjoy!

read this:

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Sex is proper scary the first time you do it after birth. (Especially if there was an episiotomy and stitches to heal first - I can’t tell you how painful they are. Let her rest a lot or they will take ages to heal)

She will need to be left to decide when SHE is ready. And to take it so slowly. And no tutting or huffing if she says “sorry not ready this week.”

She will probably cry a lot and be very irritable. Just generally, I don’t mean the first time you have sex . Although....

She will think you have both made a mistake in choosing to have a baby. You need to reassure her that life has changed for the better although for the moment things will get worse before they get better.

Just LOTS of reassurance that she is doing great. At everything!

Oh and her needs come above those of relatives overstaying their welcome, especially if breastfeeding.

Congratulations op, I think it's lovely and considerate you are asking for tips :-)

Before -

• pack a hospital bag for yourself, snacks, drinks and a change of clothes, phone charger etc
• ensure you now where all the bags and car seat etc are and you know how it all works
• batch cooking and easy prepared meals that you can cook (was a godsend for my husband)

For the birth,

• have the conversation about what the birth plan will look like. It will come to a point where you are your wife's advocate.
• I would recommend that you take drinking straws and be there offering water, this was key for me whilst in labour, plus gas and air dries out your mouth. Also lip balm.
• I would keep the number of people who know your wife is in labour to a minimum otherwise the texts and phone calls can get invasive!

Afters -

• as others have said be prepared to do everything that isn't child related and be prepared to be asked to fetch and carry things.
• remind yourself and wife to eat and drink - this is really important and even more so if your wife is planning to breastfeed to establish supply.
• fend of visitors for as long as you can and enjoy the special bonding time, you will find you may get badgered once the news is broken.
• keep an eye out for your wife trying to do too much, it really is felt afterwards.
• manage visitors - I would keep the time to a minimum, you might find people want to stay for hours on end! Plus you may get a few that want waiting on!
• try to keep on top of the housework

Hope these help

Placemarking so I can show my DH some of these ideas

Remember that maternity leave is not a holiday, she's swapping an 8 hour day for a 24/7 one. Do things without being asked, like putting a wash on, cooking and cleaning. Cook meals she can eat with one hand whilst feeding baby if necessary. My baby went through a stage of cluster feeding which was exhausting. Be prepared to take over the baby when you get back from work or at weekends if she needs or wants a break. My dh used to help with getting dd off to sleep if she didn't go back down easily after a night feed. Gave me a chance to wee, get a drink, doze a bit.
Have you asked her what she might like you to do?

Ooh another one:

Don't say things like "if you need help just ask me". She knows exactly as much as you do right now, you know what needs doing just as much as she does

What a lovely bunch you all are! Thanks so much for all your advice, it is genuinely helpful and some things are so obscure I'd never have thought of them. Straws for drinking water during labour because your mouth gets dry from the gas/oxygen, pre-cooking meals (I'm the cook anyway so that'll be fine), nipple cream(!)....and all of the other tips - GENIUS! I think the general consensus is: look after mum and the chores 100% so she can focus 100% on the baby and her recovery. This is why I wanted to ask ladies rather than guys. I posted something for dads on Quora but the advice ranged from getting joint custody while the relationship is good (jeeez...), to the fact you'll not be able to go out with the guys anymore and I'll be knackered all the time.... Needless to say, it wasn't illuminating advice....

It's so nice to hear thoughts from people who have gone through it, you just can't find this stuff online. It's great for to hear from people who have been there.

Thanks again, I'm sure I'll be asking more as the weeks go by. We have our 20 week scan a week on Monday and she's starting to show now!

J

Just asked my dp if he had any tips and he says you should try and mentally prepare yourself for seeing your wife in a great deal of pain that you can do very little to help her with, when it comes to labour. Also let the experts do their jobs. My dp says he knew conceptually that would be the case but it was very different going through it with me and he felt quite helpless at times.

Also read as much as you can about labour and managing pain, as she may not be able to focus very much on that, get an app to time contractions, and just be ready for all your plans to go awry.

Also I'd recommend hypnobirthing as a way to prepare, you can do it together and it may help with any fear or anxiety you both have.

Good luck, you're going to do great.

A few things:

1. I LOVE this site. As a first-time dad-to-be (DS due on Aug 3), I've been silently reading everything on here, and it's been absolutely priceless
2. I was about to post a similar request as the OP, so I was very happy to find my questions have already been answered by you amazing people - THANK YOU
3. Living in Hong Kong, this kind of site doesn't really exist here, so I cannot overemphasise how valuable the articles, advice, comments have been for me (every week, I read, out loud, the weekly pregnancy advice to my wife and it's awesome)
4. Thank you all and keep up the good work!
5. what would be even more awesome (assuming it doesn't already exist) is a section of the site on stuff like this. Maybe a "Tips for Dads" article?

Your OP says baby due in July but you’ve not yet had 20w scan?

Aside from help with housework etc etc the best thing my partner did for me was love our child. It may sound silly...why wouldn't he love his baby but I worried that he wouldn't bond with her or take an interest.

He's usually quite unconfident but he took her and dressed her within half an hour of birth with such confidence and cosied her in :) He doesn't get stressed when she cries, he loves to take her out in the pram, first thing he does when he comes in from work is pick her up (i used to get a kiss first now second but i dont mind :) )and he hates putting her down when she falls asleep.

Might sound obvious but simply being a great dad and loving our child has made everything feel so much easier (I have an older child to an unsupprotive Ahole so know the difference